All Kidding Aside
by Kihin Ranno
Summary: When Lily jumps to conclusions about Remus and Sirius, the duo decide to get revenge on her, James, and Peter with a wonderful joke. However, they wind up getting more than just a good laugh. COMPLETE!
1. Prologue: Lily's View

All Kidding Aside  
Prologue: Lily's View  
1/12  
by Kihin Ranno

There were some things she just wasn't meant to understand.

Lily Evans had only been dating James Potter for a few months. She had known him for a little over six years, but they had been... rocky for the couple. Actually that was quite the understatement, but she really did not want to dwell on the past when the present was oh-so wonderful.

Lily winced inwardly, feeling quite foolish and did her best not to think about what she had just thought. Which really only made her think about it more which was grossly unfair in the grand scheme of things.

She hated that she sounded like a giddy school girl. She absolutely loathed it. She much preferred sounding mature and intelligent and all the things a giddy school girl was not. Nevertheless, the honest truth was that James Harold Potter, in spite of all his arrogance and ignorance in the ways of wooing, had somehow more than managed to sweep her off her feet. She was now completely and utterly head over heels in love with him.

What's more, she didn't mind it one little bit. She rather enjoyed it as a matter of fact. She still surprised herself when she woke up in the morning with her cheeks aching because she'd been smiling in her sleep again. She had never dreamed that she could feel this way about anyone, especially James Potter. But she did. It was wonderful and maddening and terrifying all at once.

She supposed it was rather like that awful Quidditch he was so terribly fond of. It even had the same dangers as grave injury, death, and uncomfortable chafing about the thighs.

Lily blushed slightly and stopped. James gave her quite an odd look. She was tempted to explain that his humor was slowly taking over her good sense, but she restrained herself and simply laid her head on his shoulder.

He wrapped his arm around her with an impossibly large and still somewhat nervous grin, keeping her warm in the cold winds of February. He didn't seem to notice that while he was completely absorbed with her, she was indulging in the same amount of though into something else altogether. Something that had been bothering her for some time. Or rather, she supposed it was two somethings. Two somethings that James loved dearly, not that he would ever admit it without turning red at the ears and in a ridiculously "manly" tone.

Those two somethings went by the names of Remus Lupin and Sirius Black.

It wasn't as if she didn't like them. Far from it. She had been a Prefect with Remus since their fifth year. She'd always respected him in spite of how infuriated he made her. After all, he could have been in such good company, but instead he chose to hang around with Potter and Black and Pettigrew. It had given her headaches and kept her up nights ranting about it in her head. Her roommates had nearly kicked her out when she developed a nasty habit of waking up screaming, "Bugger Remus!" and the like.

It had gotten to the point where one day she'd actually cornered him in the Prefect's bathroom. Poor thing had been quite embarrassed caught in only a towel and carrying a rubber ducky that he later claimed to have belonged to a Hufflepuff. She had demanded to know why someone so smart and so moral and so much better than his little band of "Marauders" as they were wont to call themselves (they would make up names for themselves) would actually choose to hang out with them. Granted he was their roommate, but it was like he had no interest in being friends with other people. Everyone else not in Slytherin liked him -- heck, most of the Slytherins liked him -- but Sirius and James and Peter were his world. She could not even begin to fathom such a thing.

Remus had struggled to ensure that all of his bits were covered and did a very good job of avoiding her eyes for most of the conversation. But when she'd finally gotten to her point (which had taken nearly an hour as she kept segueing onto James and his damn hair), he'd actually smiled at her. And it was the same way he always smiled at her. He was amused by her ranting, and yet sympathetic to her utter befuddlement. He was serene and kind and funny in a quiet sort of way that was pure Remus.

And then he had told her that it was absolutely none of her business.

He'd left her there, shaking with righteous indignation and had contemplated ripping his towel away. She hadn't done it of course. It was conduct unbecoming a Prefect and no doubt James and Sirius would love it. And he was not about to do anything they loved.

But Lily was not the type of person to be easily swayed from finding out the truth about something. Around Christmastime, Lily always knew what her presents were ahead of time because she lacked the patience to wait for the actual day. She did not deal well with surprises or with not knowing. She'd pulled many an all-nighter in the search for the truth. So, Remus had really only left her with one option.

Stalking.

She had observed him as he sat at James's and Sirius's Quidditch practices. She watched as he watched them fly around and loop and feint and toss the Bludger and hit the Snitch or whatever it was they did. She had never been too good with the specifics. She had watched and seen that he had that same look he had always plastered on his face during Potions. A look of complete and total boredom but with some sadness knowing that Sirius and James could do something he couldn't and was absolutely hopeless at. But mostly boredom.

Then she had taken to discreetly peering out of the corner of her eyes in the middle of the Gryffindor Common Room. They had their territory staked out and their positions assigned. There they would sit, regaling the lesser public with stories about their adventures during the day. Most of them consisted of things they had done or said to one Slytherin or another. Mostly Snape. Lily would always speak up in defense of the Sacred and Almighty Binding Rules of Hogwarts. She would quickly be booed back into silence in spite of her threats to deduct points. But she would always watch Remus during all the goings on. He always seemed to be just on the verge of speech, his lips twitching with want to vocalize. However, he would always falter and turn back to his reading, insisting he was paying no attention whatsoever.

And she had stared them down when she caught them dumping the poor, misunderstood, unloved, mistreated, disagreeable smarmy bigot that was Severus Snape in the mud. He was so unpopular; she couldn't help but feel sorry for him. At the same time, he was so prejudiced that she almost wanted to cheer the Marauders on were it not for her dedication to law and order. But while she had been defending Snape to the best of her ability, she watched Remus. Remus J. Lupin with his stooped shoulders and mysterious scars and elderly appearance despite his youth. He would never really look at what was happening. It was as if he were trying to convince himself that he wasn't there or that he wasn't seeing this.

This and some more evidence made Lily grow to understand the mystery that was Remus in connection with the Marauders.

He needed them. They were as necessary to his existence as blood, breath, and books. They were omnipresent and loyal and utterly obnoxious. They were all at once everything he was and everything he was not. But most of all, they accepted him without conditions and without question. They simply were the Marauders and that would never change.

Lily couldn't believe she hadn't noticed it before she began stalking... Well, watching Remus intently. She saw it now and it saddened her in a way she couldn't articulate.

She saw it every time she looked into Remus's eyes while he was around them. Underneath all of the quiet smiles and melodic laughter, was fear. Fear that they would turn on him. Fear that they would leave him. Fear that they had never liked him at all. Fear that he would be alone.

It was something that Lily could understand. She hadn't exactly been particularly popular among any of the houses. It was to be expected really. Who was she to try and dethrone the Kings of Hogwarts - the Marauders - with her rules and regulations and upstandingness and whatnot?

Ever since then, Lily had always had a special place in her heart for Remus Lupin.  
In fact, she had briefly entertained a minor crush on the fragile boy.

Of course, one day they noticed she was following them and they had all become quite convinced she actually WAS in love with James Potter. Remus, who was designated James's in as it were, had then proceeded to talk about James _ad nauseum_. Remus had all but claimed that James was actually the God of All Things Handsome and Wonderful otherwise known as Jesus Christ himself. She had refused to speak to him ever again - otherwise known as one week - as a result.

And then there was Sirius.

Sirius, who despite or perhaps because of all his bigheadedness and ego, made it impossible to dislike him. He was always smiling. His lopsided grin had been known to make girls go absolutely weak at the knees. His eyes were bright and always mischievous. Lily wouldn't be surprised if he didn't spend every waking moment thinking about what sort of havoc he could wreak on the school while ensuring that his hair looked perfect.

Sirius's pranks were legend. They always had to be new, original, and historical. A simple dungbomb just wasn't enough for him. He reveled in the attention. Why, just a month ago, he had taken one of his latest girlfriends out for a midnight joyride on his illegal motorbike...

Through the Slytherin dungeons.

And yet, despite all of his blatant disregard for order and regulation, one could not help but like him. Lily was a person who believed rules were there for a reason, and she followed them unless she had a very good reason to break them. Which had never ever happened and would never ever happen.

Sirius was the kind of person who felt that the words mandatory and optional were interchangeable.

Naturally, Lily had hated him with the passion of a thousand suns only slightly less gaseous than the suns that burned with hatred for James Potter. Then, of course, she'd started dating James and half of her suns were thrown away like so much old pepper. And damn it if she didn't find herself liking Sirius along with everyone else.

It had irritated and annoyed Lily beyond her old limits. The nerve of him! Acting all charming and witty and personable... How dare he put forth an effort to gain her favor when all she wanted to do was continue hating him!

And yet, she genuinely liked the bastard.

Lily had been so aggravated by this turn of events that she convinced herself that Sirius did not in fact actually like her. He was merely tolerating her because everyone else in the group was fond of her and his best friend was dating her. He probably went back to his numerous girlfriends and mocked her behind her back. She had managed to become so convinced of this "fact" that she had once slapped him when she'd misplaced her wand, thoroughly convinced that he had stolen it. Peter had actually been sitting on it.

Then came one fateful day about a week or so before the Christmas holidays. On that particular day, she had been late coming out of Potions because Professor Slughorn had wanted to speak to her about one of his Slug Club Meetings or something. She hadn't been paying much attention to where she was going and was most unfortunate to run into Slytherin Princess, Narcissa Black, and Slytherin Lady-in-Waiting, Marguerite Blackeney.

Lily had never gotten on well with either of them. She, after all, dared to have not been born into a pureblooded wizarding family and was therefore to be cast into the bowels of hell for all eternity as punishment. And until she actually died so that such a thing could occur, it was up to the Purebloods to do the best they could to make real life hell for one Lily Evans.

She had sincerely hoped that being Head Girl would save her from such things. She had been grossly mistaken. They still called her Mudblood and a veritable cornucopia of other insults. It didn't help that she was the first of "her kind" to be named Head Girl. Narcissa had taken it all rather personally. And, of course, it was all Lily's fault and she should be punished swiftly and severely.

The taunts had gone on as usual. Marguerite and Narcissa had just refused to let her pass and get on with life. No, they had to make it clear to her that they still hated her because a simple glare just wasn't enough for them. Eventually, Lily had gotten quite fed up with both of them and had exercised her right to deduct points from Slytherin.

Marguerite apparently felt like backhanding her was an appropriate response judging by the way she drew her hand back.

Lily had never been so stunned in all of her life. They had never actually struck her before. Instantly, all thoughts flew out of her head and they were replaced by fear because Peter had broken her wand when he sat on it and now she was totally defenseless and Marguerite's hand was coming closer and Narcissa was buffing her perfectly shiny red nails and saying something like, "Take care of her, Marg," or something like that and Lily wondered if this is the sort of thing a Gryffindor should do in this situation - gape and back away slowly and desperately wish James would appear and save her as all good boyfriends should do.

That was when she'd shut her eyes and braced herself for a pain that never came. She heard the sound of what was almost a slap but not quite and Marguerite's shriek of outrage. Miraculously, James had come to her rescue because he was her boyfriend and that was what he was supposed to do! Or maybe it was Remus would surely know what to do in this situation because for once Lily was absolutely hopeless. Or maybe it was Peter who would run and get help because that was really all he was good for.

She'd nearly fallen over at the sight of Sirius Black standing in front of her, struggling to grip Marguerite's Beating arm but still managing to turn and wink at her.

"Wotcher, Evans?"

That was all he had said to her before turning down to face the Slytherins. Lily wasn't quite sure what had happened next. She'd watched in some kind of stunned horror as Sirius actually hit Marguerite and then both girls had fallen upon him, claws bared and high heels kicking. Lily had been sorely tempted to jump in, but the to break a rule was like willingly breaking a bone. She'd screamed for help and brought just about everyone in the Castle running. James, Peter, Slughorn, and McGonagall had quite a time prying everyone apart until Remus came by and picked Sirius up as if he were a paperweight.

Sirius wound up in the Infirmary for the rest of the day and in detention for the rest of the week. All Gryffindors noted with boundless satisfaction that both Narcissa and Marguerite had received a month.

She hadn't seen Sirius until the next day, hobbling down the stairs into the Common Room. She'd been waiting for him, ready with a thousand insults and injustices. Sirius had just flashed his trademark grin. "Decided that you don't hate me now?"

It was all too much for her to withstand.

But she had thought of things that simply didn't matter anymore. She liked them both. She understood them both. Separately. They were quite easy to comprehend separately. It was when she thought of them together that her left eye started to twitch.

"Padfoot, would you kindly give me back my book?" Remus intoned serenely from a few feet in front of her. She looked up and saw that Sirius had indeed snatched the book Remus had been reading while he was walking (a task he had mastered sometime in the middle of first year). He was now holding it out in front of him with the tips of his thumb and forefinger as if it were something horribly offensive.

Sirius wrinkled his nose with the disgust Lily often felt for his precious dungbombs. "Moony, how can you read this stuff? I can't even pronounce the title! Hell, how can you read? It's a beautiful day! The sun is hidden behind the clouds, all of the trees are dead, and look! There goes the squid! Doesn't he look so miserable trapped under the ice?"

Remus spared the squid a sympathetic glance. "I happen to find reading relaxing."

Sirius rolled his eyes as if that was the stupidest thing that could have come out of Remus's mouth. "Moony..." he groaned loudly. "I thought that girlfriend of yours was going to loosen you up."

"I hardly qualify one date, that you forced me to go on I might add, grounds for referring to her as my girlfriend," Remus remarked with feigned bitterness. "Besides, even if she was, she's Ravenclaw. She'd appreciate and, dare I say, encourage my literary aspirations."

"Damn," Sirius muttered. "I knew I should have just set you up with that easy Hufflepuff."

"Foiled again. They work hard," Remus pointed out smoothly.

Sirius grinned rakishly. "Double meaning!"

"There's always a double meaning with you."

Sirius nodded in assent. "This is true. For I am clever and can find sexual entendre in chicken soup!"

"I'd hardly call that clever. I would call it--"

Sirius never did let him finish that sentence. "Anyway, I can't very well hand you over to a Slytherin, now can I? They'd tear you apart because, you know, you're all weak and stuff."

"Yes. There is that," Remus said in very clipped tones.

Sirius was about to continue, but he was momentarily distracted by Peter tripping and falling on to the lake. His leg went through and they were then first to endure his rather girlish screams as he was nearly accosted by the squid, who only yearned for a little company in the Winter months. Eventually, Peter managed to disentangle himself and ran up to them, white faced and struggling for breath. He looked at each of them, expecting some sort of comfort or acknowledgement.

Sirius returned to his previous conversation. "And Gryffindor girls are out of the question because they all know you."

"Love you too," Remus said dryly.

Sirius's face lit up with malicious glee and Remus then realized what he'd walked into. He sighed a little, but otherwise seemed good natured about what was about to occur. "Ah hah!" Sirius cried, gesturing theatrically and unnecessarily. "So, you admit it! You finally admit that you love me! I knew it! I knew it all along! Though you tried to mask it with your disapproval and your stodginess and your 'Sirius, must you wave that about all the bloody time,' I always knew that you loved me. Fear not, _mon petit chou-chou_. The feeling is mutual. I too love me as you do."

"You don't say" Remus said with a cool air about him. "You'd think that this feeling of deep rooted irritation would have disappeared."

Lily could hear Sirius's grin grow wider. "There's yet another double meaning to that statement."

"Only in your sick mind, Padfoot."

Sirius put his arm around Remus in an entirely too intimate way for two friends to be touching. He winked at his sandy haired friend and said, "But you just love my sick mind."

"Then why does it disgust me so?" Remus mused aloud, tapping a finger on his chin.

Sirius shrugged, removing his arm from Remus's shoulder as smoothly as he had put it around him. It was as if it had never been there in the first place. "I think we have a hate/love vibe going on."

"Oh, is that it?" Remus said, slowly dawning upon the epiphany.

Sirius pretended to ponder this for a moment, scratching his head for a few moments. Then he nodded emphatically and spoke as if he'd just discovered the thirteenth use for dragon's blood. "Yes. I believe it is."

Remus simply nodded in a more demure fashion. "Sirius?"

"What is it?"

"May I have my book back, please?"

"'Course, mate. Why didn't you say so?" He tossed it back to Remus. "There you go, Mooniekins."

"Thanks, Paddywaddy."

Lily could not for the life of her understand the relationship that existed between one Remus Lupin and one Sirius Black.

"You do realize that you owe me sexual favors for the rest of your life now,  
right?"

Remus sighed in a long suffering sort of way. "So much for a good night's sleep."

Were they shagging or what!


	2. Part One: Popping the Question

All Kidding Aside  
Part One: Popping the Question  
2/11  
by Kihin Ranno

"Padfoot, could you pass the toast?"

"No, I will not pass the toast. I refuse to pass the toast. I will have nothing of your toast passing. Toast passing is for grandmothers and Slytherins! Toast passing is vile - the work of Satan - and I will have none of it! In fact, I suggest we all partake in a boycott against passing the toast. So decrees the Great and Mysterious and Beautiful and Charming and Altogether Wondrous Sirius--"

"Here's the toast, Peter."

"Thank you, Remus." Peter sounded annoyed at how long it took just to get a piece of toast. He was a growing boy. No mind that he was growing sideways.

"Moony!" Sirius whined and hopped down from where he was standing on his seat.  
"You disrupted my flow! My flow of toast passing!"

Remus reached over and patted him on the head. "There, there, old chap. There shall be other dramatic monologues."

Sirius sighed woefully. "But none about toast boycotts."

"It's true," James supplied, his arm casually slung over Lily's shoulder. He did so at every available opportunity because a part of him was still in utter awe that she wasn't punching him for it anymore. "He never gives repeat performances."

"Peter was hungry," Remus countered sagely, sounding every bit a stodgy professor.

"He's had four slices already!" Sirius shouted, waving his arms as if to attempt to swoop around the Great Hall as surely that would prove his point.

"He has a very large stomach to fill."

There was a pregnant pause.

"Well, I'll grant you that."

"Hey!" Peter's cry of indignation was muffled by his beloved toast.

"In memoriam of Moony's ruthless slaughter of my rousing performance," Sirius pronounced tragically, "I shall never again pass another slice of toast. Perhaps I shall never pass anything else ever again for the rest of my miserable yet incredibly handsome existence."

"Padfoot, could you pass the butter?"

Sirius passed the butter without thinking. Peter took it happily, unsuccessfully suppressing his laughter. Sirius stared at his hand as if it had committed some great injustice against Britain and all mankind. He pointed at it, his finger shaking with emotion. "We're through, you and I. I'll draw up the divorce papers during History of Magic. And though they shall be illegible, they shall still-  
be."

Remus, Peter, and James looked at him dubiously.

Sirius kicked the table and pouted. "Moony, you have completely ruined me for the rest of the day! My wit is gone! Gone I say! Sailed away like Odysseus or Magellan or Christopher Columbus, the bloody wanker. Can't even follow a proper map."

"Well, there wasn't really proper map," Remus pointed out. "No one knew that North America was even there until he discovered it, so cartographers could hardly--"

"Moony," Sirius interrupted, laying a hand on the bookworm's shoulder. "I don't care."

Remus stared at him in disbelief. "You mean you don't care that you were wrong?"

"Not in the slightest," Sirius assured him. "And I still dislike Columbus, no matter what you say."

"But without him there would be no Syphilis," James joked.

"All the more reason to hate him," Sirius proclaimed. "Where do you think the madness in my family comes from?"

James nodded in understanding, now obviously affronted by the treason committed against the Diseased and Most Mental House of Black. "We must find this bloke, Columbus. There are apologies in order."

"I will not dig up a grave," Remus insisted, somewhat terrified that they were about to suggest it. "I will do many things for the sake of friendship, but do not ask me to shovel."

James and Sirius looked most disappointed in him.

"Could someone pass the jam?"

Sirius loaded a wad onto his spoon and flung it at Peter. Peter merely licked it on his face, thankful for his promptness.

"Mmm... Strawberry."

"You're mental," James said, trying not to laugh.

Peter didn't disagree. In fact, he looked as if he would start faking the symptoms of Multiple Personality Disorder at any moment just so no one thought that James Potter had been mistaken. Of course, he did not for there was still much toast to be consumed before such revelry could begin.

Sirius looked bored with all of them and then sat up, his ears perking up. He grabbed Remus and shook him, causing Remus to dump his hot chocolate on the second year sitting next to him. Therefore, Remus was paying Sirius absolutely no attention when Sirius shouted, "Snivellus! Snivellus is here! The day can now begin! Quick! Where are my dungbombs?"

All except Remus, who was dodging the second year's boot while trying to magic away the stain, turned to stare at Lily, awaiting the inevitable explosion...

That never came.

James looked at her as if the whole world had gone mad. Peter turned white and hid behind James, quite afraid of what this meant. Sirius grinned in triumph that he was now free to make mischief sans Lily lectures. Remus cried out in pain and fell back next to Sirius, clutching his shin.

"Ten points!" Remus called after the sprinting child, looking as if he was sorely tempted to pitch a fit but never would because he was sensible.

"Moony!" Sirius cried, shaking him again. "It's Lils! She no longer feels anger towards my life's work of defaming Snivellus! This is a historic day! Say something profound!"

"My leg hurts."

"Brilliance! Unparalled brilliance from a brilliant man!" Sirius exclaimed.

Meanwhile, James waved a hand in front of Lily's face. He couldn't remember the last time that she blinked and that scared him. "Lily? Lily? Are you all right?"

"She's more than all right, James!" Sirius rejoiced, actually partaking in an impromptu jig with Remus, doing a little twirl and dipping him magnificently to the envy of just about every female currently paying attention to the Gryffindor Golden Boys.

Sirius then dropped Remus without ceremony, clasping his hands in front of him, eyes sparkling. "She has finally decided to let our depravity rule. Victory is ours! Death to law and order! I declare anarchy!"

Remus dragged himself to his feet, glaring at Sirius. He then turned to Lily, noting how her vacant stare was trained upon him and Sirius. He instantly became self-conscious that he had sprouted ears and momentarily panicked. Not that such a thing had ever happened, but it was a common fear that overtook him whenever anyone stared at him for too long. When he realized he was wholly human, Remus became worried for Lily as opposed to about her. He tugged on Sirius' robes, knowing that this would grab the man's attention for reasons no one had ever been able to explain. "Sirius, I think something's actually wrong with her."

Sirius stopped in his merriment. He turned to Lily and gazed at her for a moment before stomping his foot. "Oh, bugger!"

No one was sure if he was now upset with himself for being a git or if he was upset that Lily would still be righteous and just when she snapped out of it.

James was beginning to sound hysterical. "Lily? Lily, blink. Speak. Breathe. Say something!"

"Do you think she's dead?" As always, Peter has said the worst possible thing at the worst possible time.

James actually looked as if he might faint at the suggestion. But rather than do that, like any Gryffindor man, he transferred panic into action, shaking Lily as if she were a rag doll, her head flopping about in a way that made Remus wince in sympathy.

"Lily! Speak to me! Don't be dead!"

After what seemed like an eternity of painful flopping, Lily did indeed speak to James. "What? What's going on? What are you doing?"

James hugged her rather stupidly. "Oh, thank God. You're not dead. You're alive, and you're angry with me."

"Things are as they should be," Remus coined, tenderly massaging the various and sundry bruises he had received all through breakfast.

"And Snivellus has left the building," Sirius whined, flopping down next to Remus, flinging himself onto the boy so that he may as well have been in his lap. "You know, he never stays long anymore."

"Can't imagine why he'd do such a thing," Remus remarked glibly.

Sirius let out another tragic moan before turning to Lily. He remained atop Remus who went on with breakfast as if he there was not a 180 pound sack of hair gel in his lap. "So, where'd you fly off to Lily? Dreaming of all of the law abiding citizens you'll give birth to that I will subsequently corrupt because I have drawn up a blood oath binding me to such things?"

Lily stared at him. Or perhaps she stared at Remus or the two of them together like she'd been doing earlier. For a moment, they thought maybe she'd done gone into another trance and prepared themselves to save her from James's well meaning panic. However, she suddenly turned so red that it didn't look like she even had freckles anymore.

"Well, must be off then - can't be late for class you know because class is important and it mustn't be missed and oh, how I love class and all things to do with classes like professors and students and quills and parchment and shagging and learning and--"

"And shagging?" Sirius questioned as Peter spit out a wad of toast that Remus just barely managed to duck. "What classes are you taking and may I please have my schedule altered immediately?"

Lily stared at him and Remus again. Then she fled without another word.

They all looked after her in various stages of confusion and bewilderment. James immediately launched into a whirlwind of quick deduction. He thought about what Lily had been staring at and quickly amended it to who. And then he remembered that there had been several other instances in which Lily had been staring off into space, but she was usually easily retrieved. However, it seemed that she was always staring at the same thing. James quickly amended that thought to person. And then he thought of this person and their reputation and their history and their hormones. And he was suddenly filled with what he believed to be perfectly reasonable and righteous fury, never once thinking about that adage about not burning your chickens before you built them.

After coming to this perfectly sound conclusion, James turned to Sirius. He looked at him with a strange combination of disbelief, betrayal, confusion, fury, and profound sadness. Sirius and Remus looked back at him, their own faces a tumult of feeling, the foremost being bewilderment. Peter turned to his toast because toast was simple and toast would not stare at him.

Peter was about to bite into his toast when he realized that two of the burn marks looked suspiciously like eyes, looking up at him reproachfully.

He threw it away and decided perhaps he should boycott toast after all.

-----

The rest of the day continued in relatively strange fashion. Lily for one did everything in her power to avoid all four of the Marauders for the rest of the day,  
turning absolutely scarlet whenever one of them looked in her direction. She was so focused on avoiding them that she didn't notice that the group of four had shifted into two duos, Remus and Sirius opposing James and Peter. Of course, she was always painfully aware of how close the former pair were to one another and how they finished each other's sentences and touched each other subtly and far too often for her peace of mind. But so obsessed was she with these two that she didn't notice her own boyfriend or how murderous he seemed.

It wasn't until much later, when she was sitting in the Common Room pretending to write an essay she'd already finished that she realized something was wrong. And that was mostly only because Oliver Howell, the other Beater for the Gryffindor Quidditch Team, had come up to her with some very sizeable bruises adorning his burly frame.

"Er... Lily?" he asked tentatively, seeming wary of disturbing her.

Lily looked up from where she was writing complete and utter nonsense, once again marveling at how this Sixth Year, who was three times her size, treated her as if she was a ticking time bomb. She arched an eyebrow. "What is it Oliver?"

"Umm..." he began, gingerly pressing some of his bandages into place. "You see. Well, the thing is--"

"What on Earth happened to you?" Lily asked, her voice concerned as she finally noticed just how badly he was hurt. "Was there an accident during Quidditch practice? I'd meant to watch like I normally do, but... I had homework."

Actually, Lily had thought she'd go absolutely lunatic if she had to sit and watch their practice with Remus and Peter like she usually did. Because while she was helping Peter with his homework, she would note every single time Remus dropped out of the conversation in favor of watching Sirius.

Oliver soured considerably at the mention of Quidditch, a phenomenon that almost made Lily glance out the window to see if the end of the world was at hand. "Well, I wouldn't call it an accident... You see, James and Sirius got into a bit of a row on the pitch. Mid air as a matter of fact. It was quite impressive as long as one remained a spectactor. I made the mistake of getting in the middle of it."

Lily merely gaped at him. After awhile, she finally managed to croak out something that may or may not have been, "What happened?"

"I'm honestly not sure," Oliver answered, relaxing considerably in her presence. "I couldn't understand most of it the way they were zipping about. I did hear your name mentioned a few times though, so I thought you might know what happened."

Lily whirled to glance at where the boys always sat, procuring the best furniture in front of the fire. They were in their usual unassigned assigned seats, but the dynamic was quite different. Peter looked as if he might burst into tears at any given moment, looking between James and Sirius as if unable to decide between them. Sirius and James just glared at each other. They had their own impressive sets of cuts and scrapes, but then that was nothing knew. Remus for one was somehow managing to carry on a very rousing conversation all on his own. He was composed as ever, but she saw him swallow several times in the span of ten seconds.

"I just thank God Remus was there," Oliver added. "He pulled them apart when they finally hit the ground. Would have killed each other otherwise." He paused. "He's stronger than he looks. He actually slung Sirius over his shoulder and carried him off the field."

That sent off the usual alarm in her head, but she swiftly ignored it and got to her feet. She left Oliver wordlessly, striding over to where the four were sitting. Lily hadn't even the faintest hint of a guess as to what had happened, but she partially blamed herself for having not noticed in favor of her obsession with Remus and Sirius. Therefore, she set it upon herself to men whatever rift had formed.

"And so then Dad had to go traipsing out into the snow to try and find the gerbil, but it was rather difficult seeing as he didn't have any pants on, you see. And"  
Remus stopped in mid-sentence when he saw Lily coming. His expression heralded her as if she was a choir of angels floating down from heaven to save him from having to continue that story. "Oh, well look who's here!"

Rather than actually turn to look at her, James leveled a deadly glare at Sirius that would have made a lesser man turn an Unforgivable Curse on himself in order to avoid it. And then he addressed her, annoying Lily to no end. "Hello, Lily. Haven't seen much of you today."

"James Potter, don't try and change the subject," Lily snapped, choosing not to acknowledge the fact that they hadn't been on any subject to begin with. "Oliver looks as if he was vacationing in France during the German invasion. He told me about the fight and said he heard my name. James, you can either tell me what's wrong now or I can beat it out of you now. Your decision."

"That's our cue to go," Peter said with a sigh, slowly getting up from his chair. He obviously did not feel like moving at that point, although he was supremely relieved that this issue was being resolved. However, he did not want to be there while on the road to resolution as that would have meant sitting through the uncomfortable and inevitable argument.

"No, you don't," Lily voiced abruptly, shoving Peter down into his chair with strength that surprised no one in the group. She followed that up by giving Sirius and Remus a look that clearly told them that they should not even think about moving if they were at all partial to their limbs. "I know that you're all involved in this... Whatever it is. None of you are leaving until I get to the bottom of it, and that's final."

Seeing as there was a good reason they had nicknamed her Hurricane Lily in their Second Year, no one protested.

"Lily," James began, his cold facade melting away for reasons only he could understand. His voice was strained and muffled by his hands. He very clearly had a headache, though no one was sure if that was due to the situation or the earlier brawl. "I... It's..."

Not known for her abundant patience, Lily felt the need to hurry this along. "Oh, just spit it out, James."

"I don't know what's going on with you!" James blurted in typical fashion. He buried his hands in his unruly locks to give his hands something to do. "You have been acting... really weird for awhile now, and today was the last straw what with the..." He gestured weakly. "Things. And such."

Not for the first time since they'd began dating, Lily failed to follow his logic. "So... You hit Sirius?"

Sirius looked as though he had been vindicated. "See! She doesn't understand it either!"

James snarled in a way that sounded very unnatural. "Shut it, Sirius!"

"I like tea," Remusremarked suddenly. "Tea and chocolate. Both are very good things. Especially together I find. Why don't we all think about tea and chocolate and not bludgeoning and murder?"

Peter whimpered something about toast.

"Stop!" Lily shouted, throwing her hands out to prevent anything else from being said. "I asked for an explanation, not more confusion. Could someone please tell me what the hell is going on?"

The four men exchanged wary glances before all responding at once. Seeing as this had happened on several occasions, Lily was quite used to sorting through the madness.

"That prat over there got it into his head that--"

"You're always looking at Sirius, and--"

"Lily, I tried to explain to him that he was being ridiculous, but--"

"I just don't like the way you look at him all the time!"

"James seems to have it in his head that I'm a woman stealer. And while that is true--"

"You know how they get Lily. I tried, honestly. But sometimes--"

"He spends the whole day glaring at me like I did something horrible--"

"He finally brought it up in the middle of Quidditch practice. I think he was pretending to consult with Padfoot on something to do with the Quiffle or whatever that ball is."

"And then when I asked him about it--"

"I denied it because it wasn't true--"

"And he didn't even deny it! He just started yelling at me!"

"Actually, James couldn't hear him deny it because he was too busy trying to beat him over the head with his own bat."

"So, I kicked him--"

"Punched him."

"Trounced him."

"Tossed him about."

"Side-swiped him."

"Knocked him off his broom."

"No, I knocked HIM off **HIS** broom."

"Well, the point is, they both ended up on the ground."

"And I think maybe Oliver was there a few times--"

"Can't actually recall. Too busy bashing your boyfriend's sorry head in."

"Finally, I had to go down there and yank them apart."

"I would have won if Moony hadn't interfered."

"And then Moony came to my rescue, carrying me off into the sunset and back to our room where he had his way with me. It was all very cinematic."

"I was just trying to have a slice of toast!"

And while now Lily was fairly sure she knew what was going on, she still felt perfectly justified in staring at each of them soundly and then shouting, "What the bloody hell are you all going on about!"

James muttered something decidedly unsavory under his breath, prompting Sirius to turn a very becoming shade of fuchsia. Before the row could begin anew, Remus reached out and put a hand on Sirius's shoulder. His anger seemed to dissipate almost immediately. It was not an uncommon occurrence. At least where Remus was concerned.

"Lily," Remus began, pinching the bridge of his nose and looking very old. "Do forgive me for asking this as I think its complete rubbish. But are you and Sirius shagging?"

She had never been so keenly aware of the meaning of the word irony.

Lily gave James a withering glare. "You thought I was cheating on you with Sirius?"

He had to admit, hearing it aloud did make it sound pretty ridiculous. "Well. It's just that... Well, you have to admit, you were acting... That is... I mean. I... It... Bugger."

"I always said you were an eloquent bloke, Prongs," Sirius drawled, tossing his hair slightly.

"You thought," Lily repeated, the vein in her left temple beginning to throb. The sight of which always made Peter prepare to duck and cover, refusing to acknowledge that it would do as much good as it would have done against the atomic bomb. "I was cheating on you... with _Sirius_?"

Sirius looked quite offended. "I will have you know that you would have forgotten James Potter even existed if--"

"Padfoot, do you really think this is a good time to bring that up?" Remus asked, sounding irritatingly sensible.

"No, but that doesn't mean that--"

"Oh, be quiet," Lily snapped, rounding on James. "Sometimes, I can't believe the things that go on inside your head. I have not nor have I ever been romantically interested in Sirius. I can't even wrap my brain around the image. It just isn't natural! Like donkeys and rabbits!"

"I wonder which is which," Peter mused aloud.

Thankfully, no one noticed.

"I am with you, James," Lily continued. "Just you. There is no one else. And as long as I am with you, there will never be anyone else. And frankly, I'm highly upset with you at the moment for even dreaming that I would cast my sights on any other man. It's lucky for you we had this out in front of witnesses, or I would have tossed you into the fireplace by now."

In spite of that fact that he was teetering on the razor's edge of death, James grinned widely and hugged Lily abruptly, taking her off guard. She yelped as James lifted her off the ground, spinning her about and ignoring her protests. He laughed uproariously. "That's the girl I know!"

Lily glared at him. "Put me down this instant, or I will make Sirius hex you."

"Why don't you hex me?" James asked incredulously.

"She's in love with the rules, mate," Sirius observed, shaking his head like a disapproving father. "They'll always come before you."

James sighed sadly. "Woe is me." He then released her quickly, catching her in another embrace before she hit the ground. He kissed her soundly before she could begin lecturing him again, promptly forgetting about why she'd been so angry with him in the first place.

Sirius snorted, propping his feet up on Remus's knees and leaned back in a manner of affected casualness. "Such a loving, tender relationship those two have. She threatens his life and limbs, and everything makes sense again." He paused for a moment. "Then again, compared to my parents, it's a very healthy relationship I suppose."

"Seeing as your mother has a tendency to turn your father into a worm on a regular basis, I'm inclined to agree," Remus remarked smoothly.

"That's just how they show they hate each other."

Remus frowned, looking at Sirius from between his bangs that had become streaked with grey towards the end of their sixth year. He raised an eyebrow at Sirius and asked, "How might they show they love each other?"

"Whips and chains."

Peter shuddered, covering his ears. "I really do not want to hear this."

Sirius gave Peter a lopsided grin. "Then you really don't want to hear what Moony and I are up to."

Remus nodded in agreement. "It would probably kill you."

Lily abruptly broke off the kiss, which had actually escalated to a rather good snogging session. She had decided at some point throughout this harrowing ordeal that it would be necessary to come out and ask the question she'd been dreading for some time. She'd nearly brought about World War Three as a result of her obsessive curiosity. It wasn't an experience she cared to repeat.

"About that," she muttered, making everyone extremely nervous once again. "A certain... thing has been bothering me about the two of you for a long time."

Sirius and Remus exchanged a habitually guilty glance.

"What did you do?" Remus was naturally suspicious of his friend as he did have this wonderful knack for getting himself into trouble.

Sirius failed to grasp this concept. "Why do you always assume that I did something? How do I know you didn't do something?"

"When have I ever done anything of the sort?"

"Of what sort?"

"Of whatever sort she's talking about."

"Oh, THAT sort."

"Yes, that would be the sort I was speaking of that she is speaking of."

"I wonder what sort of sort it is."

"Its a right bit unsavory I expect."

"You're right. I must have done something."

"You see," Lily interrupted loudly before that could continue. "I was umm... Oh, this is somewhat embarrassing. You see, I was actually looking at both of you this morning. I'm always looking at both of you as a matter of fact. It hasn't just been Sirius."

"I feel as if I should make some sort of comment here about you being incredibly kinky," Sirius mused. "However, seeing as I enjoy my legs attached to my body, I shall remain silent."

"And that was a most effective way of doing so, Padfoot," Remus assured him.

"Wait a minute," Lily said, something dawning on her. "Why did you all assume I was looking just at Sirius? I could have been looking at Remus as well. And that would actually make some sort of sense. We were prefects together, and I never proclaimed my undying hatred for him in a public forum."

"Did you proclaim it privately?" Remus looked a bit worried. "Not that you can actually proclaim things privately. Well, you can but it would be rather worrisome if you did so, and--"

"No, Remus, I didn't," Lily finally drawled.

Remus looked quite relieved.

James flushed, seeing her point instantly, and could think of only one intelligent argument to make in his defense. "Err..."

Remus sighed in a long suffering kind of way, looking as if the previous transaction between he and Lily had never taken place. Sirius was giving him an odd look, but no one else seemed to notice. "They all think I'm too good of a person to be connected with anything so unseemly. I try to be just as much of a deviant and rogue as them, and yet I cannot shake this virtuous mantle... Oh, God damn my morality!"

"Yeah, that's it," James murmured, having the grace to be embarrassed.

Sirius gestured dramatically, seeing the opportunity to seize the spotlight back into his rightful possession and taking it. "And, of course, all of the blame falls onto my delicate, shapely shoulders. For, after all, I am the designated... designated... What's a good word for this, Moony?"

"Whore." Remus seemed very confident in this assessment.

"Cassanova! That's it," Sirius exclaimed, completely ignoring what Remus had actually said. "Therefore, I am but a speck of dust on the shoe of the god-like James Potter, who stole his love away from him because I have an insatiable appetite for the carnal pleasures life has to offer. Although, and I am completely impartial in this opinion, I am the sexiest speck of dust in all of Britain. And I'm not so much a speck of dust as I am John Lennon with better hair. Who is, by his own admission, greater than Jesus."

James turned a deeper shade of red, rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly. "Yeah. You're right. I was a bit of a--"

"Bastard?" Sirius suggested.

"How about idiotic cretin?" Remus added.

Peter, who was always a little more reluctant about insulting one of his idols, had something to offer to the conversation. "You were being kind of a prat, Prongs." He paused. "Hey, that rhymes."

Remus appeared as if not correcting Peter was physically painful for him.

"Yes. Yes, I was," James ground out, doing his best not to become irritated with his friends when they were being completely reasonable and truthful. "And I'm sorry for thinking that you did that Padfoot... and Lily. And Remus, I'm sorry that I didn't think you were a big enough son of a bitch to have done anything like that. And Peter, I'm sorry you have to sit through all of this when it really has nothing to do with you."

Sirius shrugged. "Hey, I probably would have done it if she'd been interested." He punctuated his statement by winking at Lily lecherously.

Remus nodded slightly, saying, "And I am too good a person to do that."

Peter smiled a little, settling back into his chair. "Actually, this is all rather entertaining."

"Anyway," Remus said, ever wanting to remain on task. "What is it that Sirius and I did exactly? I don't quite understand the point to all of this."

Sirius straightened a little, appearing mortally wounded. "And here I thought I'd been on my best behavior around you! I mean sure, I do purposely talk about all of the things we do the Slytherins, specifically ickle Sevviekins, because it ticks you off. And yes, I do refuse to knock on the door to our room when I know full well that you and James are in there despite the number of times I've caught you two snogging. Then, I do spend a good fifteen minutes mercilessly harassing you about it, critiquing James on his technique and such. And I go about announcing the incident throughout the halls of Hogwarts, asking for suggestions for baby names and campaigning to become Godfather of your first born. And I brag about all the things I excel, which can go on endlessly and for all eternity I might add because I am just amazing when you get right down to it. And I often refuse to shower after Quidditch practice, but really that's more to annoy Remus than you. You just always happen to be around. Honest! And I did hex your sister at the train station at Christmas, but I really do think that the boils were an immense improvement on her appearance, and I saw you laugh no matter how much you deny it! And..." He finally trailed off, mostly because he needed to take a breath. He then took a moment to consider his conduct. "Huh. What do you know? I have been a bit of a git, haven't I?"

"That's five minutes of my life I'm never getting back." Peter shook his head, saddened by the loss.

Sirius threw a pillow at Peter's head, and then went right back to talking. "But Remus has been an absolute angel. He's always an absolute angel. Outside of the bedroom that is."

"Well, that's a given," Remus concluded soundly.

"That!" Lily shouted, waking up a Fifth Year frantically studying for OWL exams months in advance.

"What that?" Sirius asked cautiously. Lily looked as if she might explode at any given moment, and he did not want to be caught in the crossfire.

Lily rolled her eyes, exasperated. "What you just did!"

Remus raised an eyebrow, "Being male?"

"We can't really alter that, Lily. Although, I would be a rather fetching bird if I do say so myself. Moony already looks so much like a girl that it wouldn't make much of a difference."

"I'm going to take that compliment in the spirit in which it was intended."

Lily sighed. She was going to have to be blunt. It wasn't the sort of thing she often found to be terribly difficult, but this really was a very difficult sort of question to ask. She looked over to Remus, the more serious of the two, gazing at him in a way that sobered him instantly.

Sure that something critical was wrong, Remus's entire body went tense. He furrowed his brow and said, "Lily. What is it?"

Lily took a very deep breath and told herself it was better to ask it then always be wondering.

"Are you and Sirius shagging?"


	3. Part Two: A Modest Opinion

All Kidding Aside  
Part Two: A Modest Opinion  
2/12  
by Kihin Ranno

Things were usually rather loud in the Gryffindor Common Room with the usual ruckus that children and teenagers were wont to cause. On a normal night, there would have been games of Exploding Snap going on in the corner. There would be a chorus of loud, boisterous laughter after having one too many Butterbeers. There was even and occasional spontaneous sing-along every now and again.

This was usually incited by Sirius, who had a tendency think that life was a musical of which he was the unquestioned star.

However, on this night the Marauders and Lily were entirely alone in the Common Room. It was one of those eerie coincidences that upon later inspection would seem entirely contrived and impossible. The silence could only have been increased after that kind of mind blowing question. And for the first time in Hogwarts history, the four boys, who were just on the verge of being men, were stunned into silence.

Sirius, predictably, was the first to come back to reality. He pushed himself up onto his elbows as if that would do something to improve the situation. "Could you say that one more time, Lils? I really don't think I heard you right."

"You couldn't have heard her right if you heard what I heard." Remus's jaw somehow remaining agape as he spoke. It was a remarkable feet.

Lily sighed sharply, her courage and perfectly justified frustration bolstered after their lack of response. She put her hands on her hips, ignoring the looks that Peter and James were giving her. She tapped her foot impatiently and repeated herself for their benefit. "I asked if you two were shagging, and I want an answer."

Remus and Sirius had indeed heard right.

They stared at Lily for a moment. And then they stared at each other. At first, no one in the group could read their expressions or even begin to guess at what they were thinking. For all they knew, they were about to break into a pair of furious rants about how no, they weren't, and it wasn't her business if they were, and how dare she ask that; how dare she even think that, and they're never going to speak to her again, even if she was James's girl.

Then again, they could have just as easily started coughing slightly, rubbing the back of their necks and sheepishly admit that they thought she knew. After all, with all their talk, how could it not be true? She should have mentioned this earlier as they would have been more than happy to clear it up.

Or, they might just get up and leave, refusing to say one word about it simply because they wanted to send her into a tizzy.

But, instead, they acted like any Marauder would. They burst out laughing.

Sirius fell off the couch, in a clear and successful attempt at being overly dramatic and rolled around on the floor, looking every bit a canine. And, had it been closer to the full moon, Remus would have quite literally been howling. As it was, he was clutching his sides and throwing his head back in hysterics, desperately trying to regulate the flow of oxygen to his brain.

It was Lily's turn to stare.

James put a hand on her shoulder, obviously trying to hide the fact that he was chuckling under his breath. Under her withering stare, he fell into a coughing fit and spoke in a tone more suited to a doctor informing her that had less than a week to live. "Well, Lily, you really should have seen that coming."

Peter did not find the situation particularly amusing and just sat in his chair, looking uneasily at the lot of them. Unsure of the appropriate response to this situation, he remained silent and hoped that no one would notice him. Of course, they didn't.

Finally, Remus managed to calm down enough to speak. He poked Sirius with the worn toe of his shoe, but it did little more than impact a particularly ticklish spot on his ribs, sending Sirius into an even stronger giggling fit. Remus quickly decided to forgo that plan and speak with Lily before she clocked them.

"Sorry, Lily..." Remus wheezed, taking deep breaths to repress any residuals snickers that might have resurfaced. "But you have to admit the idea of Sirius and I is pretty... pretty..."

He never finished his sentence as he once again collapsed into laughter in spite of the fact that he was endangering his life in doing so.

Lily scoffed and snapped, "I don't see why it's so funny! I mean look at you two! You're always talking about sleeping together. You always sit by each other. You're always exchanging looks that seem like you are hiding something oh, so terribly amusing from the rest of us. You're always touching. You always work together on assignments. You are practically joined at the hip--"

Here, James interrupted, giving his girlfriend a slightly unsettled look. "Lily, how do you know all of this?"

Lily whirled on him, stamping her left foot for emphasis. It didn't do much to prove her point, but it did succeed in making her look ten years younger. "Because I've been obsessed with this since we started dating! It's been bothering me for months, and I just can't take it anymore! And these two won't give me a straight answer!"

"It would be pretty hard for a homosexual to give a straight answer," Peter mused.

Lily gave him a look that by all accounts on Peter's strength of will should have killed him.

Peter flushed bright red and tried to disappear into his chair. "Well, someone had to say it."

"Oh, lay off Wormtail, Lils," Sirius said, wiping away the tracks his mirthful tears had left behind. He gave one last chuckle before expertly hopping back on to the couch. "We're obviously not. I mean, look at me. I have a new girl on my arm every other day."

"And a new girl in your bed more often than that," James remarked with a shit-eating grin.

"Little known fact, I actually invented sex," Sirius said sagely. "You should really thank me, Lily, as often as you and Prongs--"

"And," Remus said sharply, effectively cutting Sirius off and saving his skin from Lily's legendary wrath. "He's constantly trying to set me up. To the point of extreme annoyance where I often consider turning gay. The I realize that he would just try and get me and Peter together."

Peter squawked indignantly and turned a rather unsightly shade of grey.

Sirius nodded and gestured at Remus with equal parts disdain and pity, "Can you blame me? I mean, look at him. He is obviously in desperate need of a good shag. Which I can tell you he would not need if he was with me."

Remus rolled his eyes and picked up the pillow Sirius had thrown at Peter earlier and pelted Sirius with it. Sirius immediately became absorbed in fixing his hair; therefore, he was obviously not going to say anything else for awhile.

"Despite Padfoot's rather unnatural obsession with his hair," Remus jested smartly, "he is not bent. And I would like to get away from these obtuse, male imbeciles every now and again, so I'm certainly not."

"Not to mention, I'd never sleep with Moony," Sirius added, his hair finally fixed to his satisfaction, which was nothing short of perfection. "I mean... He's all virginal and stuff."

"And he's all whorish and stuff."

"Shut up," Sirius growled, throwing the pillow back at his fair-haired companion.

Remus caught the pillow and proceeded to throw it to the other side of the room in order to prevent anyone from getting anymore use out of it. He then proceeded to stick his nose in the air and said, "I refuse to answer that moronic and plebian statement as it is beneath me."

Sirius snorted, now sitting back and using Remus as a footrest again. "Please. I could buy and sell you."

"You'd put a price on one of your best mates? I'm ashamed for you."

Sirius was about to say something else to continue the banter between the two of them when Lily stormed up to them with the proverbial Irish fire in her eyes.  
While the entire group found great joy in incurring Lily's wrath every now and again, they had all learned when to stop they day she had transfigured the lot of them into potted plants for an entire weekend. They hadn't gotten her that angry in a very long time, but all present knew that one more joke, and Remus and Sirius would be turned into rhododendrons and hydrangeas respectively.

"We're not finished talking," Lily ground out.

Sirius shrugged his shoulders, having the rare amount of decency to seem sheepish. "Look, Lils, I do not mean to put you in a tizzy."

Lily scoffed.

James snorted.

Remus shook his head.

Peter rolled his eyes.

Nearly Headless Nick, whom Sirius had apparently woken up, laughed his head off...

Literally.

After recovering from that disturbing image, Sirius continued. "I meant not in this instance. And I resent the fact that you all think that my one ambition in life is to make Lily angry... I would actually like to grow up and have devastatingly handsome children, thank you."

"Then get to the point," Lily cautioned.

Sirius didn't have to be told twice. "But there's nothing more to discuss. We aren't. We haven't been. We never will be. And the very idea is laughable."

Remus nodded emphatically in agreement.

Then Peter of all people offered up his thoughts. "I wouldn't say laughable."

Everyone's head snapped over to Peter, eyes wide in disbelief. He was not usually one to volunteer his opinions in arguments... Then again, this was one of the few times he was on Lily's side. He wouldn't dare go against her after spending forty eight hours as a pansy. Although it could be argued that that was the manner in which he lived his life.

He was slightly unnerved by all of them staring at him, yet titillated by the attention. "Well, I mean you guys are always saying that stuff about you..." He paused and lowered his voice, running the words together as if this kind of thing shouldn't be uttered. "Having sex."

Sirius guffawed, "Wormtail, it's called a joke. Should we have Moony to define it for you?"

Peter clucked his tongue, echoing the habit of his grandmother, and persisted. "I know what a joke is, Padfoot. Honestly... But you do say it an awful lot for it just to be a joke. I mean I understand every once in awhile... But you two go at it incessantly!"

Sirius leapt to his feet indignantly and shouted, "We most certainly do not!"

"He only goes at it with women incessantly," James chimed. He held up his hands at the contemptuous stares that were suddenly directed at him. "Kidding, kidding."

Peter jumped in again before someone else decided to interject. "But I'm serious. It just seems like you guys hang out in a... different way then you do with me or James."

"Well, there's a reason for that," Remus said calmly. "You usually don't put up with any of that kind of banter, and Padfoot can't do it with Prongs anymore because of Lily."

"Double meaning," Sirius mumbled, unable to contain himself.

James's face now closely resembled the color of his girlfriend's hair. He pointed at the two of them accusingly, not looking particularly cheerful. "Hey! I'm not like that!"

"Neither are we," Remus intoned in his ever logical manner.

"That's the bloody point of this pointless conversation!" Sirius said, throwing his hands up over his head and falling back in a mock swoon. He was now laying down again, propping his feet up on Remus as usual.

Suddenly, Peter was the one pointing at him, looking very much like Abigail Williams must have looked at the Salem Witch Trials they had all read about in their History of Magic course. "And you always use him for a footrest!"

"Peter, you prat, I use whoever's closest to me for a footrest," Sirius grumbled.

"But you're always closest to Moony..." James observed, his voice now laced with suspicion, as if in a few moments he would leap away from them, eyes wild and scream, "Sweet Merlin, you are gay!"

Which in fact, he did do.

Remus groaned loudly, covering his face with his hands and leaning back against the unoccupied couch. "Prongs, not you too."

Sirius shook his head and said, "And I had such faith in him being the sensible one. Being Head Boy and all."

James smiled slightly but he didn't move closer to them. He always had been a little wry of anything deviating from the norm. "Look Padfoot, all I'm saying is maybe Lily has a point. Maybe you do kind of give off that vibe."

Sirius craned his neck painfully to look at his best friend and raised an eyebrow. "A vibe? I have a line of broken hearts-- female broken hearts that could probably span a few miles behind me, and you say I give off a vibe?"

"Overcompensating are we?" James said, waggling his eyebrows in such a way that Lily promptly punched him in the arm.

Sirius rolled his eyes with much more flourish than anyone else ever managed. "Oh, very funny."

"I'm sure he thought so," Remus soothed, reaching for his book that had been discarded when James had accused Sirius of adultery as Remus had been forced to correct him on the definition and then try to heal the friendship. He was now quite tired of this line of conversation and more than prepared to put it behind him.

James feigned hurt before going on to say, "You have to admit, the way you two talk, someone had to wonder someday."

Remus shook his head slightly but didn't look up from the fascinating novel that was _War and Peace_. He turned the page with a flick of his wrist and said,  
"Prongs, as you so often declare to anyone who will listen, the four of us are the practical joke kings of this school. Sirius and I thought that it would have been fairly obvious that we were joking."

"Well, it wasn't," Lily said, looking rather embarrassed over the entire situation. She pushed a few wayward strands of hair behind her ear and then continued repeating the action, a sure sign that she was uncomfortable. Had the boys been unkind, they would have been sure to tell her that it was her own fault since she was the one who brought this up to begin with... But then, she wasn't in Slytherin.

After a few awkward seconds of unnerving silence, Lily coughed a little too loudly and said, "Well, I suppose that clears everything up then."

"Suppose so," Remus remarked, now fully engrossed and not really paying attention.

Lily coughed a few more times, to the point where James was beginning to get concerned that she was getting a cold. After resisting the urge to strangle him for his thick attitude, she began to inch her way to the stairway and said, "You know, I think I'll go ahead and go to bed. I'm kind of tired..." she paused.  
"Unless of course you'd like to change your answer?"

Sirius grinned widely and said, "Would you care for a practical demonstration?"

Lily flushed scarlet, catching the not so hidden meaning behind the dark haired boy's words. Within the next three seconds she'd bid them all good night, kissed James on the cheek, and dashed up to the girl's dormitory.

"What do you suppose her hurry was?" Peter asked curiously.

"My stunning good looks probably tempted her to knock you off the couch and proceed to ravish me in front of James. I would run away from me too if I weren't me and finding me very hard to resist," Sirius mused, making himself more comfortable on the couch.

James chuckled slightly, plopping down on the floor in front of Peter's chair. "Then I would have had to kill you both, and that's just so messy."

"And time consuming," Peter added.

Sirius scoffed loudly, obviously gearing up for one of his dramatic exercises. "Balderdash! The night is young my friends! Only two hours past the witching hour, and we're not even drunk yet!"

"Did he just say balderdash?" Remus asked without looking up from his novel.

"Yes," James sighed. "Yes, he did."

"Ah," Remus said calmly. He placed his bookmark back in the pages of the book and placed it back on the floor. Quicker than anyone could have blinked, Remus had sat up straight and pointed at Sirius with a crazed look in his eyes. "Thou art evil, oh putrescent one! A minister for the devil no doubt! Using such foul and accursed words! You are a sick, vile creature to be loathed and spat upon!"

"What are you going to do? Talk me to death?" Sirius pronounced with an air of laziness. "Or perhaps bore me to tears?"

"I could rip you apart with my bare hands and you know it," Remus reminded him. "It is one of the few perks of my being a wolf every twenty eight days you know."

"You could probably make a killing off the pieces," Sirius chuckled. "Even in death, the women would be fighting for me. How very fitting."

"Your modesty is stifling."

Sirius hissed in a way that was akin to a vampire being caught in the blinding light of day, covering his ears to save himself from turning to ash. "No! No, I bid you not to speak that evil word in my presence ever again!"

Remus smirked in a manner strangely similar to Lucius Malfoy. "Modesty."

Sirius clutched his heart and cried out dramatically, acting as though his life giving organ was being slowly ripped out of his chest. "Oh, the inhumanity! The pain! The agony of it all!" He then proceeded to look skyward and rose his voice in a mock prayer. "Oh Lord, take my soul from my body if only to save me from this foul demon in my midst! I would rather than die than hear such evil speech ever again!"

"Oh, yet another word to add to 'The Things That Make Padfoot Shudder' List!" Remus exclaimed gleefully, imitating an eight year old who was absolutely elated at the mere possibility of receiving a Chocolate Frog. "I can put it right after dandruff! Excellent!"

Sirius twitched where he lay on the couch, giving a very good show of having a seizure. Froth and all.

"Or perhaps pimple..."

Sirius gasped, grabbing his throat with one hand and lifting the other aloft. It appeared as though he were actually reaching for something. Had anyone not been well versed with Sirius's fits, they might have actually thought he was drowning without water.

"No, I have the perfect one," Remus said with a dastardly grin. He leaned down to where Sirius was clinging to the last of his life force and whispered the most sinister thing he could think of in his ear. This was a word that Sirius was convinced the Devil or Grindelwald himself had come up with... Probably the latter.  
He was quite convinced it haunted every human being who still had a soul in their dreams. For Sirius after all, it was the stuff of nightmares.

"Single."

And then, Sirius uttered a loud cry and died.

For the time being anyway.

Remus chuckled, satisfied with his own cleverness and ability to torture his best friend. He feigned wiping away a tear and made a move to raise Sirius from the dead. If for no other reason then to continue the banter that he was so enjoying.

It was then that he noted neither Peter nor James had jumped in with so much as snide comment or a little jab. He looked over at the two, a rather expectant look on his face. Then he saw the expressions the other two Marauders held. He couldn't stifle the groan that arose from his throat.

"Oh, come now."

James shook his head in disbelief. He looked a lot like the characters in Muggle cartoon strips when they had gotten an idea. Remus could have sworn he saw a shining light bulb hanging over the boy's unkempt hair. "You expect us to believe you about not being gay, and then you go and act like that?"

Sirius quickly resurrected himself, springing to his feet. "Yes, actually. Because, and feel free to call me crazy in this, but I don't seem to remember a single guy-on-guy sex joke in the past five minutes. Remus?"

Remus looked as if he was scanning his memory for whether or not any such joke had been made. He made such a show of it, the boys often thought that he was kidding. But after several occasions of his accurately reciting a turn of phrase that had been uttered in passing over twenty minutes and thirty-eight topics ago, they were no longer quite sure.

After a few moments, Remus shook his head definitively. "Nope. Not a one."

"Thank you, Moony," Sirius said, bowing his head quickly. Then he turned back to his other friends with a very smug look on his face. "See? If Moony says it didn't happen, it didn't happen. He can't lie. He's a Prefect."

Remus remained mute, narrowing his eyes slightly.

"I realize that," James defended. "But... It was like you two were off in your own little world that we weren't allowed into. I felt like Peter and I completely disappeared. You didn't even notice that we weren't saying anything!"

"And it isn't the first time it's been like that," Peter elaborated. "It's been happening more over the past few months."

"Congratulations, James. Now you know how Peter and I felt when you and Sirius did the same thing," Remus surmised with uncharacteristic bitterness.

James and Sirius gave him a rather surprised look, but Peter had to acquiesce."This is different, Moony. I never felt like I would break the fabric of the universe by interrupting with them."

"You don't break fabric, you unravel it," Remus replied without thinking.

Sirius was giving both boys a very odd look, but decided it was another discussion for another time. "You know, we weren't holding up a sign that said you two weren't allowed to speak. I really don't understand what you're getting your knickers in a twist over."

"Why can't you just accept that Lily jumped to conclusions and move on?" Remus sighed. "I'll admit that it probably did seem strange to her, but just because it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck doesn't mean it is a duck."

"In what crazed alternate universe of monumental weirdness?" Peter pursued.

Sirius held up his wand threateningly. "Would you prefer to be a ring-necked or a rosy-billed?"

James actually stood up and placed himself between Sirius and the now quivering Peter. "Don't transfigure Wormtail."

"I wasn't planning on it!" Sirius shouted, fully exasperated with the two of them. "However, I might be forced to deck the both of you if you don't shut up about this crap!"

"Sirius, a lot of what Lily said makes sense," James pressed.

"Yes, circumstantial evidence does tend to make sense however you spin it," Remus droned.

"Look," James continued, not about to be dissuaded. "Peter's right. It's been like this for a long time. For awhile, I thought maybe it was just because I was spending more time with Lily, but it's been happening for years. I just didn't notice it until now. You two are leaving Peter and me in the dust. It's like you have this weird connection… You're like an old married couple or something!"

"You're mental," Sirius maintained. "Absolutely, mental."

"Now, might we please drop this? This conversation isn't getting us anywhere," Remus said, his voice full of forced apathy.

"Not until you tell us the truth!" James declared.

And once again, all activity in the room stopped.

Remus stiffened, his amber eyes flying wide at the words as they came from James's mouth. He didn't remember leaping to his feet a few moments later to stand beside Sirius, but that was where he had suddenly found himself. Out of his peripheral vision, he could see Sirius normally jovial blue eyes full of resentment.

James suddenly seemed to realize what he had said and did his best to make up for it. "Moo-- Padfoot, I... I didn't mean--"

"Get out, James."

James halted in mid-sentence and stared at the wrathful boy in complete disbelief. He had never heard Sirius talk like that, not even to the lowest of Slytherins. It was filled with enough venom to sting even the deadliest of snakes. "Sirius, I really didn't mean to say that. I--"

"I said, get out."

James recoiled as if he had been slapped. Sirius might not have raised his voice even half a decibel, but something about the inflection made James move away from him.

Peter was now staring with eyes as wide as a full moon at the group of them. He knew that he should probably say something in James's defense... But he couldn't bring himself to do it under Sirius's enraged gaze. Peter felt a deep sense of shame as he felt his knees knock together.

"That wasn't a request," Sirius snarled, turning his gaze on to Peter who instantly shied away from it.

James shut his eyes in something akin to surrender and said, "I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking. I--"

"Get out!" Sirius bellowed, causing even the unshakable Remus to wince.

James and Peter both seemed to give up in that moment. They glanced at each other, expression full of guilt and regret. They stood and left the Common Room without so much as a rustle of their clothing.

Sirius glared at the retreating backs of two of his very best friends with more ire than he would have ever expected to direct at them. In fact, he was having a very hard time keeping himself from vaulting off of the couch and pummeling them into something resembling an ingredient from Potions Class. Only Remus's hand on his shoulder kept him from doing something he was bound to regret.

Contrary to Lily's opinion, it wasn't because it calmed him down. It was because Remus could very easily snap his arm off.

Once the two other boys were gone, Sirius settled back onto the couch, still glowering. However, he did not launch into a string of curses. He continued to sit in the quiet of the early morning.

Remus finally felt that it was safe to release Sirius's arm. He didn't miss the relieved sigh from the darker boy when he did so, but Remus thought better than to apologize. Remus replaced the hand without thinking about it and made an attempt to comfort him. "Padfoot, you know he didn't mean what he said."

"No one calls me a liar, Moony," Sirius growled. "My parents are liars. My brother is a liar. I'm not like them. I'm a... I'm good."

Remus looked down for a moment, shading his eyes from the crackling fire. He had known full well that Sirius took great offense at anything insinuating that he was in league with the Darkness. James and Peter had known it just as well if not better than he, but James hadn't been thinking.

In fact, Remus was quite sure that the pair of them would be equally apologetic in the morning, saying that they had never meant to accuse him of anything and that they hadn't really thought that they were an item. The teasing had made them paranoid and hyper-vigilant. They would realize they were wrong and be sorry for what the had done. No doubt Lily would be a wreck a few hours from then as well.

"I know," Remus finally said after a time. "They know it too."

"Then they shouldn't have said that," Sirius snapped, unwilling to listen to reason at that point.

"They didn't mean it about the gay bit you know," Remus continued in spite of his brain telling him that it probably wasn't wise. "James has always been capricious and Peter's... Peter."

Sirius snorted, nodding. "Yeah... Peter doesn't have a backbone or an opinion of his own in his entire body."

"Sirius," Remus admonished lightly.

"Well, he doesn't Remus!" Sirius cried out in annoyance. "You know it as well as I do. I nearly had a heart attack when he actually offered up his own thought, and that was only because he knew Lily wouldn't have his hide."

Remus didn't argue the point.

"But James... I don't know what James was thinking," Sirius confessed. "He ought to have more sense than that."

"Maybe he's been wondering the same thing for awhile," Remus proposed. "Or maybe he just misses all the time you two used to spend together."

Sirius stopped in his tirade for a brief moment, remembering what Remus had said about feeling shut out when he and James were together. Sirius glanced over at the boy to his left and faltered slightly. "Moony... About what you said earlier--"

"Forget it," Remus said, his grip on Sirius's shoulder temporarily tightening before Remus just let his hand fall to his side.

"Did you mean it?" Sirius persisted. "About James and me shutting you out?"

Remus sighed the same way that professor McGonagall did when Peter asked a stupid question. "Peter and I are very insecure individuals, Sirius. We were probably imagining it most of the time. But yes, I did feel like that, and apparently James feels the same way. He's not used to being on the sidelines. He's like you. He lives in the spotlight. I'm supposed to be the behind-the-scenes guy. I imagine the role reversal has shaken him considerably, necessary as it was. Lily's his world now. And you need an audience. That's what I'm here for."

Normally, Sirius would have made some kind of snide remark on the obvious double entendre in that statement, but he held his tongue. he continued looking at Remus in concern, not wanting to give up the other line of conversation. Still, he knew that when Remus didn't want to discuss something, he would just bury his nose in a book and then there was no hope for communication.

"That's not all you're here for, Moony," Sirius said honestly. "I--"

"I know," Remus interrupted before he could go further. "Thank you."

And that was the end of that.

"So," Sirius said with a sigh. "What do we do now?"

Remus settled back on the couch and glanced over at his companion. "You really want to go back up there?"

Sirius raised his head to take a good, long look at the stairs leading up to the Boys' Dormitory. On any other night, Sirius would have ascended the long, winding stone staircase to his room and flop down on his bed. And he would drift off to sleep to the sound of James's steady breathing, Peter's snoring, and Remus as he turned the pages in his latest book. He would be content in the normal environment and feel like he belonged. He would be content, unlike in his other bed in his old home.

Without another word, Sirius laid back on the couch, stretching his legs out over Remus's lap. He shut his eyes in spite of the bright fire and drifted off to the sound of Remus turning another page in his book.

-----

The feud of the Marauders was big news by the time Peter and James woke up on that grey Tuesday morning. A pair of Third Year Gryffindor girls had gotten up early to work on a particularly difficult charm for Flitwick's class in the Common Room so as not to disturb their roommates and not destroy anything of value to them. They had both been very surprised to find two members of the infamous band of brothers asleep on the couch in the clothes they had been wearing the day before. They had been even more surprised when Remus had calmly woken up at the sound of them descending the stairs, waved, made a motion for them to be quiet so as not to disturb his companion, and then went back to sleep.

The two had quickly abandoned their project and rushed back upstairs to tell everyone else, whether or not they were awake.

Including one Lily Evans.

The redhead had sprinted down the stairs in her nightgown, not at all concerned of the sight she would have made for any hormonal teenaged boy in the dormitory. She had taken one look at the pair of them and gone back upstairs to change for modesty's sake. Then she went over to the Boys' Tower and burst into James's room with all the subtlety of a drunken Giant.

She picked up the pillow that James wasn't using and promptly brought it down on his head. He woke up with a start, as if quite concerned that he was once again being attacked by his bedding. It had been one of Snape's more effective acts of revenge. Before he could question Lily's unexpected and very blurry presence in his room while the world was in the state of pre-dawn, she shrieked, waking Peter up as well.

"What happened after I went to bed last night!"

James stared at her in utter confusion for a very long time. He was too groggy to remember what had happened at first. When he did, he let out a long groan and put his head in his hands. "Oh, shit."

"Where's Remus and Sirius?" Peter yawned, not quite as sharp as James was. "Did they get up early?"

"They never came to bed," Lily continued in a frenzy. "James, they spent the whole night downstairs in the Common Room. They never do that. Even if Remus falls asleep, Sirius always moves him up to the room. Now, what happened?"

James sighed, tasting the cotton in his throat and longing for a drink of water. He reached for his glasses and croaked, "I wouldn't stop harping on the two of them, and they started to get sore... At first, I was just messing about, you know? But then... Well, I sort of called Sirius a liar, and--"

"You what!" Lily squeaked, turning pale. She wasn't privy to all of the details of Sirius's infamously dismal childhood, but she had been on the receiving end of this kind of thing before. Several years before, she had dared to call Sirius a liar when he had denied involvement in a particularly heinous attack on the Slytherin Quidditch team. Thankfully, Remus, though he had always been slight, managed to hold him back while James whisked her off to safety. She had never forgotten the look in his eyes. It was something that had seemed unwarranted given the situation. And it had frightened her more than any ghost story or unnaturally large spider ever could.

"Oh, James..." Lily groaned, distressed. "How could you say that? You of all people ought to know better."

"It was late," James offered weakly, knowing that she was absolutely right about the whole fiasco. "I was tired and confused. And... And it's felt off lately.  
Like ever since we started dating, Sirius had been different. Kind of distant, you know. He's been hanging around Remus even more and... They just seemed so.  
connected, and I felt like some kind of intruder. It just rubbed me the wrong way I suppose."

Lily resisted the urge to admonish him for being ridiculous. After all, he had a point. Her presence had shifted the dynamics of the group. And while she knew that no one blamed her for it, and that nothing was really wrong, after six years, a change would have felt wrong. Especially to James who had ingrained himself in the unofficial rankings, relishing in being the unspoken leader. She stroked his messy head gently, feeling the need to be nurturing rather than try and write this off.

A part of her hoped that Sirius and Remus had just slept downstairs to prove a point and that things would return to normal within the next few hours. The boys had never had only had one other serious row in Fifth Year, and no one ever talked about that. Besides, the Marauders weren't exactly known for taking things in so grave a manner. Surely the pair would find some humor in the situation and go on with their lives.

But then Lily remembered the look in Sirius's eyes, shuddering as she did every time she pictured it. And she thought about how devoted Remus was to all of them,  
but to Sirius most of all for reasons perhaps even he didn't know. And she saw them together in her mind's eyes, saw how connected they were in a way that James and Peter fell short of even though they were no less important, no less loved.

And Lily kissed the crown of James's head and hoped everything would be all right.

-----

"Was that Lily?" Sirius yawned groggily after the red and black blur had blown past them just seconds before.

"Yes," Remus replied without opening his eyes.

Sirius stretched, announcing the action as he did so, and then made himself even more comfortable, pillowing his arms under his head. "She go see James?"

"Most likely."

Sirius cracked his jaw. "Think they'll apologize?"

"Multiple times I'm sure."

"Do we accept?"

"Actually," Remus said, coming alive at last. He opened his eyes and looked down at Sirius with a curious glimmer. "I had a thought."

"Oh?" Sirius asked, intrigued.

"It's a good thought..." Remus tempted in a sing-song voice.

Sirius grinned, his white teeth shining in the early morning light. "Does that mean it's an evil thought?"

"Do Wormtail, Lily, and Prongs need to be taught a lesson?"

"Do go on."


	4. Part Three: Shadow Black

All Kidding Aside  
Part Three: Shadow Black  
4/12  
by Kihin Ranno

"Do go on."

Unfortunately, Remus was unable to continue as the Gryffindor Common Room turned into King's Cross Station. Within seconds, the room was teeming with teenaged boys with heavily lidded eyes who hadn't quite woken up yet as well as giggling girls casting covetous glances at two of Gryffindor's most eligible bachelors. Sirius gathered he must have been quite a sight with a rumpled shirt and hair so askew that it rivaled James's notoriously untamable locks.

Remus of course looked as if he had just stepped out of the shower and ironed his clothes while they were on his body. The ever present wine dark circles under his eyes were the only sign that he had not had a comfortable night.

In the end, Remus muttered that they would discuss it at breakfast. Thus, the two reluctantly stretched and got up, bidding excessively cheery good mornings to their housemates. Sirius would later insist that each had swooned the moment he had deprived them of his presence.

They ascended the stairs and walked straight to their room without so much as a word between them. Remus pushed the door open and was not surprised to see Lily standing by James's bed and Peter looking incredibly befuddled. He wouldn't really wake up until after Charms that morning. James and Lily exchanged a glance as the two roommates began going about their morning routine as if nothing had happened.

"Umm..." James began awkwardly. "Moony? Padfoot?"

Neither boy gave any indication that they had heard him speak as they picked out a fresh set of clothes for the day.

James looked up at Lily helplessly, imploring her for any kind of assistance in this matter. Lily frowned slightly, but decided to indulge her hapless boyfriend for the time being. If she opened the door just a little bit, he could kick it down. She cleared her throat quietly, stepping forward. She opened her mouth to speak, holding up one finger in typical Head Girl fashion. "I would just like to say..."

As if choreographed, both boys simultaneously removed their shirts.

"...that I need to be going." The last came out in a rush as a red-faced Lily fled from the room.

James stared after her, even though she had slammed the door with fervor. Then he turned back to his two housemates who were still making a very good show of ignoring them... Although Sirius was doing it with his usual ostentatious and entirely unnecessary flourish. He frowned at them and said, "That was a dirty, rotten trick and you know it."

The corner of Sirius's mouth twitched as if tempted to flash his trademark grin, but he managed to check himself.

James sighed, hitting his bed sheets in exasperation. "Are you just going to give us the silent treatment for the rest of the term? Look, I really am sorry, all right? I wasn't thinking. Everything just got carried away. Can't you forgive me?"

By this time, both Sirius and Remus had finished dressing. As James finished his plea for forgiveness, both boys were gathering up their books. Before the Head Boy could make one gesture to stop them, they had exited the room. Sirius hadn't even so much as curtsied cruelly on his way out.

For several moments, James could think of nothing to say. He had never made either of the boys this angry since their first year when he had refused to share his secret stash of Chocolate Frogs. They hadn't spoken to each other for ten whole minutes before Sirius had leapt upon him and tickled permission out of him. Since then, a simple 'I'm sorry' had managed to fix anything. There was really only one other incident where each boy had been pitted against the other...

They had all sworn never to speak of it again. James had taken to not even thinking about it.

But this seemed so trivial compared to that. It had just been a simple misunderstanding. Lily wasn't as well versed in the Marauder sense of humor. She was bound to misinterpret their jokes as being serious. And Peter and James had joined in as a joke... Then suddenly James had felt real emotion seeing Remus and Sirius act like they were brothers or something else entirely. He couldn't define it, but it moved him. It had felt rather like Lily's frightening descriptions of the dentist with metal scraping against teeth and poking gums so much that they bled. And then Peter started agreeing him like he always did and James had felt like that somehow validated him when he should have known better and then he had practically called Sirius a liar, something the boy never dealt with well, and Remus was so protective of the lot of them in a predatory sort of way. His mouth had been moving and words had been coming out of it and the better half of his brain was screaming at him to just shut it, but he had ignored it and now two of his best friends weren't speaking to him.

"What got their knickers in a twist?" Peter asked groggily.

Without even thinking about it, James picked up a pillow and threw it at Peter, effectively silencing the boy. He heard him whine from underneath it, but James didn't much care at this point. He hated to admit it, but there were times when he just wished that Peter would stop talking all together.

But then again, who would he have to talk to if he did?

-----

Sirius and Remus had a hard time actually making it to breakfast that morning. It seemed that the Hogwarts Rumor Mill was working on triple time as the entire school was aware that the two of them had not gone to their room that night. Roommates getting sick of one another was hardly a rare phenomena, but it was when it came to the Marauders. It was unthinkable that they would have such a serious fight after what had happened the last time.

Thus, the two of them had been forced to deflect questions. While Remus just denied everything, Sirius took it upon himself to weave an impossible tale that could only be born from his twisted mentality.

"Ah me," Sirius said dramatically, taking on the posture of a wounded solider and looking every bit a pathetic soul. "Aye, it is true that the two brutes kicked us out of the room last night. Tensions have been mounting ever since I caught James snogging with Snivellus last Halloween, although in his defense it was dark and he was schnokered. Although, that doesn't really explain why he did it again after the last Quidditch match... But I digress. Remus and I have been doing our best to defend the fair maid, Lily's, honor. The way he treats her... Shameful.  
Then again, it may have something to do with the fact that she--"

Remus decided that it was best that he intervene before he soil Lily's reputation and risk being fed his scrotum for breakfast. Not to mention, he had grown quite tired of listening to Sirius at that point. Remus proceeded to haul him away from the group of enthralled females. Once he was quite sure that they were out of earshot, Remus released Sirius, who then made a grand show of gasping for air. Once he was done with this series of dramatics, Remus started walking, Sirius matching him stride for stride as they continued down the corridor. The slighter boy glanced at his companion with an expression of someone who was trying very hard to not be amused. "Must you always treat life like it is some grand opera?"

"Who would I be if I weren't the devilishly handsome, overly dramatic, mischievous sex-on-legs god in leather pants?" Sirius inquired.

"You'd be a right bit easier to live with," Remus chided. "Now this masterful plan of mine isn't going to work if you go around saying that James and Snape are an item."

A pair of Hufflepuffs happened to tune in at that exact moment and quickly scampered off, whispering to themselves in hushed, excited voices.

Remus rubbed his temple with his forefinger. This was going to be an exceedingly difficult day.

Sirius couldn't help snickering at Remus's luck, priding himself on single-handedly breaking up the dream couple that was Lily Evans and James Potter in only one morning... Granted they hadn't actually broken up and Lily was sure to strangle him when she heard and he was bound to receive a hex or two from the slimy Slytherin to boot. But sitting back and watching the chaos he had created reign had always been one of his favorite pastimes.

"So..." Sirius drawled, looking very satisfied with himself indeed. "What is this fabulous plan of yours? I do so want to get back at those gits..."

Remus smirked, his amber eyes glittering impishly. Remus had always looked a few years older than he actually was given his affliction, but when he came up with a brilliant scheme of any kind, he suddenly looked a lot healthier. Sirius could have sworn that the dark circles underneath his eyes had disappeared in his mirth.

"This must be some plan," Sirius observed. "Care to share?"

"Best wait until we get to the Great Hall," Remus replied. "It is impossible to be alone in this castle, as I'm sure you and your tens--"

"Of thousands," Sirius added.

"Of girlfriends can testify to," Remus finished without missing a beat. "Best wait until we're sure that everyone's too busy talking about us to pay any mind to what we're saying."

Sirius grinned, clapping his last remaining friend on the back heartily. "I like the way you think, old chap."

Within moments, the two had arrived at the Great Hall. Remus's eyes immediately scanned the length of the Gryffindor table. Unsurprisingly, Sirius's fans had held them up long enough so that Lily, James, and a sleeping blob that sort of resembled Peter had reached the Hall before them. James hadn't bothered to try and make his hair lie flat for years and no amount of grooming could help Peter look alert before noon, so it was no surprise that they had made it to breakfast before them. Peter was snoring away while James picked at his porridge. Lily was talking a mile a minute, apparently doing her best to cheer James up. It didn't appear to be doing much good.

Sirius ran his hands through his hair, instantly fixing any imperfections that might have existed only in his mind and walked forward, muttering, "Follow my lead." Remus decided not to question and simply walked alongside him, doing his best not to snort as Sirius strode into the room with his head held so high he was sure to fall over backwards.

As they neared the two open seats by their normal companions, Remus began to note that the boisterous laughter and bubbly conversation seemed to slowly decrease. This was particularly evidenced at the Gryffindor table as members of their house went so far as to turn and watch them with rapt attention. The Gryffindor House was not known for their subtlety. It seemed to be much the same with the other tables. Ravenclaws stopped arguing magical theory. Hufflepuffs stopped helping each other with homework that wasn't due for another week. And the Slytherins,  
Snape in particular, leaned forward to see if the rumors they had all heard about were true.

Sirius did have a knack for garnering attention.

By the time Sirius and Remus had reached the empty space on the other side of their would-be friends, the Great Hall was practically silent. The teachers at the Head Table had even halted in their normal pleasantries to see what all of the fuss was about. Or rather what the lack of fuss was about.

Lily had been the first to notice them. It wasn't likely that she resembled a deer caught in the headlights of the Knight Bus, but she managed it then. And it looked as if that deer had just robbed a bank or something equally as horrible. She started jabbing James with her elbow to try and get him to look up from his meal,  
whispering hurriedly to him. When he finally did acknowledge her, he instantly shook Peter awake, who took to snorting and mumbling incoherently. The three of them were staring at their two friends, or so they hoped, with apprehension. Lily had even resorted to her old childhood habit of chewing on her lip.

Sirius and Remus walked up to the group with entirely blank faces. Sirius wasn't about to betray anything and Remus had a strong feeling he knew what was going to happen. Showing emotion would definitely ruin the effect. The two of them stopped in the exact same instant without so much a glance between them to cue each other. They both looked at the group looking as if they might actually forgive and forget and move on with their lives.

But no one said anything. It was two against three in a silent, uneasy staring contest. And they had more than a few spectators in their drama.

Finally, James, who had never been very good with being quiet for too long, caved. "I--"

And again, as if they had choreographed this before hand, the pair turned from James, effectively shutting him down. Remus with a simple dismissal, and Sirius with a swirl of his cloak that hit Peter in the face, his nose aloft.

If anyone had actually been continuing their conversation before, they had ceased doing so in the few moments it took for Sirius and Remus to walk the length of the table and take a seat up at the front. This was the seat that was always left open because no one aside from snooty, brown-nosing Prefects ever wanted their conversation to be overheard by the Professors. To see two of the four most depraved boys in all of Hogwarts History take the dreaded seats over sitting by their best friends was almost as shocking as the revelation that Crabbe wore pink polka dotted underwear.

Coincidentally, this had been discovered after Sirius had "accidentally" made his pants vanish in their third year.

The quiet remained until Remus took a rather large helping of eggs, his metal utensils scraping unpleasantly against the porcelain serving dish. Then the Hall seemed to erupt in a flurry of activity. No one bothered to whisper as it was fairly obvious that the center of every conversation was on the break up of the Marauders. Speculations and rumors ran wild.

"Do you suppose Sirius and Lily got together?"

"He is a bit of a rogue."

"Nah, she seems like she's more of Remus's type..."

"Maybe James has actually been cheating off of Remus this whole time!"

"Ooh, and maybe he got tired of James talking the credit for all of his hard work!"

"I always thought he was smarter."

"Do you think it was Peter who did them in?"

"Bet it was."

"He always was a right little bore if you ask me."

"Maybe it was a practical joke gone horribly, horribly wrong."

"I think they finally just got fed up with each other."

"That's far too mundane!"

"Yeah, this is the Marauders!"

"It's got to be something monumental to tear them apart."

"Yeah, but what?"

"Well, I heard directly from the horse's mouth that they've been fighting for a long time..."

"Seems to have something to do with a torrid affair between James and..."

"No!"

"You're mental!"

"He'd sooner die!"

"I'd sooner kill him!"

Sirius beamed over at Remus who didn't seem quite as amused with that particular line of conversation. "Works every time," Sirius gloated. "A little tension. A little flair."

"It's like an addiction with you," Remus observed. "If you're not the center of attention at all hours of the day, I'd swear you'd start twitching and talking to chairs. Well, the ones that don't talk back anyway."

"It's not like I can help it!" Sirius proclaimed indignantly. "After all, with my dark and mysterious good looks, muscular physique, winning smile, and rich,  
sensuous, seductive, sexy, tantalizing, effervescent, tingly, and charming voice,  
how could I resist me?"

"Enough," Remus chastised, chuckling in spite of his better judgment. "Now do you want to hear my plan or not?"

Sirius immediately stopped complimenting himself on his fabulousness and leaned forward, an ardent expression on his face.

"Picture it," Remus said, absorbing just a smidgen of Sirius's story telling ability for a few moments. Sirius noticed that he sat up just a little straighter,  
and his eyes gleamed with youth that was sometimes lost considering all that he had been through. Not even the two streaks of grey in his hair could age him in moments like these. It made Sirius smile complacently, though Remus was too invested in his narrative to pay him any mind.

"Next Saturday is the long awaited Hogsmeade trip," Remus continued. "None of us can go after the... incident at the last one..."

"You mean the incident where we strung Snape up the flagpole in a bra and panties?"

"Yes, that one," Remus said with a nod. "The three of us were banned from the trip. Although James--"

"Prat that he is," Sirius groused.

"--got away scot-free. Peter will guilt James into staying behind as always, and Lily's certainly not going to go if James isn't going."

Sirius nodded in agreement. "All of the Valentine's stuff would depress her."

"Quite right," Remus noted. "That leaves the five of us alone at Gryffindor Tower. I propose that we tell Peter that we want to make up."

"As he is the most gullible in the group," Sirius put in.

"He will lure James and Lily to our room at a specific time. When they arrive, they will hear certain... noises that usually only happen when Prongs and Lily are left to their own devices. Only this time it will be you and me."

Sirius smirked, very much enjoying this plan. "And once they're thoroughly scandalized, we burst out and scare the pants off them."

"And imagine their surprise that we still have our pants on," Remus summarized. "Then we will let them grovel and beg for our forgiveness..."

"Do we really have give it to them?"

"Padfoot..."

"Oh, fine. We can forgive them..." Sirius muttered irritably.

"That's the spirit," Remus insisted, patting Sirius on the head.

"After they offer us a suitable bribe."

Remus shook his head, smiling softly as he watched Sirius proceed to eat his breakfast and shamelessly flirt with a Ravenclaw girl that he had cast his sights on several days earlier. Remus went back to calmly eating his eggs, eating like a normal human being as he was in the middle of his lycanthropic cycle. He would be a regular human vacuum by the next week.

Without really wanting to, Remus happened to look over at where James and Lily were sitting. Peter had apparently woken up enough to realize what was happening. He looked rather like a puppy that Remus had tried to hold as a child, just after he had been bitten. The puppy had looked terrified, yet oddly resigned to the fact that the were-child holding him was about to eat him.

Remus had set the pup down and hadn't picked another animal up since then.

James on the other hand seemed to be taking a more aggressive approach to his unwanted feelings of rejection. He was now stabbing the porridge with his spoon, looking as sour as McGonagall did when she discovered that her Gryffindor Golden Boys had executed another over-the-top prank on the Slytherin House. James was used to being like by everyone. Well, Slytherins didn't generally count, but there were even members of their rival house that didn't find James revolting. He was just one of those people that others couldn't help but like. Lily had been the one Gryffindor hold out, but James had even won her in the end.

Remus watched as the independent Head Girl laid her head on her boyfriend's shoulder. Lily was a surprisingly tender girl once one managed to strip away her callous shell. In fact, in spite of a frightening temper, she was genuinely one of the kindest people Remus had ever met. Any girl who would defend Severus Snape from defamation while he called her a Mudblood had to be.

But it was no wonder that Lily was so guarded. Remus had caught sight of her family several years before at the train station. It was really no wonder with that information. But she was still human, and she had many layers. Her affectionate gesture seemed to have softened James as his posture relaxed considerably. This had obviously hurt him a lot more than any of their previous petty arguments.

And Remus wasn't pleased with it, but he couldn't help but feel some tiny bit of satisfaction because of it. He had always felt a little twinge of envy as he had watched the unending cheerfulness and popularity of James Potter. Never enough to resent him, but enough to daydream about what it would be like to be so admired. True, as a member of the infamous band of Marauders, he had gained notoriety by association. But he hadn't ever known what it was like to be adored. No more than James had known what it was like to be shunned and cast out from society.

Now James was tasting what that felt like, and though Remus almost hated himself for it, he was pleased that some poetic justice had been served.

Truthfully, he wasn't really upset with any one of them. He wasn't even sure what had possessed him to concoct this scheme or what dark corner of his mind it had sprung from. At first, he had rationalized that it was simply for Sirius's sake. Remus knew how deeply Sirius resented his family and the reputation that dogged the noble and most ancient house of Black. Any indication that he was just like them was bound to set him off. If Remus hadn't intervened, Sirius might have done something drastic on his own. It was better to wreak revenge with a smile. Anything else and they might lose their friendship forever. Sirius and Remus would simply have a good laugh at their expense, forgive them, and twenty years from now they would all look back on this and laugh together.

But now Remus was worrying that his darker nature was the real mastermind behind this. Was all of this just a plot to make one of his best friends get a taste of what it was like to be him? Did he actually resent them? Was the wolf a part of Remus or was Remus a part of the wolf?

"Still with me, Moony?"

Remus blinked a few times and looked back at Sirius looking rather bewildered. He hadn't realized he had been out of it for so long.

He smiled slightly, pushing all of those thoughts out of his mind. He was just playing a prank on James. It wasn't malicious. It wouldn't destroy anything other than his pride, and that was easily mended. He wasn't bad. He was just... Remus.

"Always," Remus said lightly, turning back to his breakfast.

-----

The rest of the day continued without much incident. Rumors still flew around the castle like wildfire in a drought, the most common of all being the secret romance between Snape and his arch-enemy, James Potter. Others included Lily's infidelity and the lot of them being under the control of the Slytherins via the Imperius Curse. The more cynical students simply stated that it was obviously another one of their grand scale practical jokes and left it at that. However, cynics were in the minority.

In spite of the implication that Snape and James were involved, it was actually a good day for the unloved Slytherin. Thanks to the schism of the Marauders, he was not forced to endure any of their mindless practical jokes. It was the first day in recent memory that he hadn't even had one dung bomb hidden underneath his robes. Of course, no one would have guessed that Severus Snape was in a better move as he had probably been born without smiling muscles and was thus forced to look grumpy and unpleasant for all his life.

The professors weren't as lucky as their greasy pupil. Remus had convinced Sirius that the plan would go off better if they didn't even acknowledge the others'  
existence. Thus, there were no wayward hexes or jinxes being thrown about in the corridors. However, the stony silence between the usually inseparable group had been unsettling to teachers. And it was very hard to keep a class under control when all anyone was really concerned about was the soap opera unfolding in their midst.

Sirius was lavishing in the attention as always, but Remus had spent the majority of the day going over the fine details of The Plan (which, according to Sirius, was very deserving of capitol letters, thanks much). Over dinner, he told Sirius that they were going to have to make doubly sure that Gryffindor Tower would be entirely empty. Naturally, the only way to do that without looking suspicious was to break into McGonagall's office and take a look at the attendance list.

Which meant that they needed the Map and the Invisibility Cloak.

It became apparent that they were going to have to at least appear that they were sleeping in the same room as James and Peter. Sirius was of the opinion that chewing glass would have been a better payoff, but Remus convinced him that it was for the best. So, reluctantly, the two had gone up to their room at a fairly decent time. None of the boys spoke to each other, although Peter often looked like he was about to blurt something out. A stony look from James was all it took to nix that idea.

Remus and Sirius put on a good show of falling asleep. They waited until they were sure that James's breathing was steady enough to indicate that he was off in La-La Land, dreaming about Lily no doubt, and that Peter's snores were loud enough to mask any of the noise they would make. Remus silently slipped out of his bed, going through his trunk to find the coveted Marauder's Map. Meanwhile, Sirius was doing his best not to make too much noise as he searched James's trunk for the cloak.

"Why does his bloody cloak always have to be so hard to find in this mess?" Sirius muttered irritably, casting fervent glances up at James for fear of him waking up. One wrong move and the whole plan would be blown.

After what seemed like hours, Sirius finally located the Invisibility Cloak. He quickly replaced all of what he had been forced to empty out in his search,  
flinching every time he made the slightest bit of noise. Still, James was in too deep of a sleep to notice that anything was amiss.

Remus held back the sigh of relief that nearly escaped his lips when Sirius straightened. His eyesight, still sharp as ever in the dark, picked up on every tiny, insignificant thing Sirius did in the dark. Remus watched as the other boy tip-toed in a manner bordering on parody, casting ardent glances over his shoulder to ensure that their roommates didn't awaken and catch them sneaking out. His ever immaculate hair whipped back and forth around his head, revealing ice blue eyes that were alight with the promise of adventure.

At long last, Sirius reached Remus's side. He threw the Invisibility Cloak over the both of them and reached for the doorknob. Unfortunately, they had failed to take care of the fact that the door squeaked just a little bit when they opened it. Remus quickly muttered a Silencing Charm, but not fast enough. Peter snorted loudly and sat up a little, looking around the room as if he was quite confused as to where he was.

Sirius and Remus didn't move a muscle. Sirius clamped down on Remus's arm in a painful, desperate attempt to keep from panicking. Remus bit back the urge to stomp on his foot, knowing that the situation was too dire. He didn't even dare to breathe until he thought it was safe.

Peter kept looking around, yawning and smacking his lips in a decidedly unattractive manner. He rubbed his beady little brown eyes with his left hand and scratched his thigh with the other. Of course, he couldn't see his two fellow Marauders stealing away into the night, but he had a feeling that he had heard something...

Of course, Peter's mind was still far too cloudy with sleep to realize that Sirius's and Remus's beds were unoccupied and that the end of James's gold and red scarf was hanging out of his trunk. Just moments after he had sat up, Peter half-shrugged and turned over, muttering to himself. "Gay as a couple of ferrets those two are."

Remus clamped a hand over Sirius's mouth to keep him from hexing his housemate and proceeded to physically drag him out the door. As usual, the werewolf was the only thing that kept Sirius from doing anything monumentally idiotic.

Once they were outside the room and Sirius had shut the door behind him, Remus released Sirius's mouth.

"I wasn't going to say anything," Sirius insisted innocently.

"Uh-huh."

"Really, I wasn't!"

"I'll believe that when pigs fly, if you'll pardon my lack of originality."

"You know, that can be arranged," Sirius goaded, grinning widely underneath the cloak. "And there is no pardon for you, Mr. Moony. None at all."

Remus simply rolled his eyes and started walking, giving Sirius no choice but to walk alongside him without saying a word.

"Did you know that ferrets were gay?"

"Padfoot!"

Then again, Sirius was never any good at following the rules.

The two continued down the stairs into the Common Room. It wasn't even midnight yet, so a number of their classmates were still up. Unlike the night before, the Room was now a veritable smorgasbord of activity. One sixth year was holding a tutoring session for Potions in front of the fire. Others were playing a variety of wizard games throughout the plush living room. But most of the Gryffindors who were still up only had one thing on their minds - the Marauders.

"I still don't believe that bit about James and Snape."

"Yeah, I mean, he and Lily are just so adorable together!"

"Do you suppose James is sore because he finally realized that Sirius is better than him at Quidditch?"

"He is not!"

"You're only saying that because you fancy him."

"I still say that Peter must have done something thick."

"He has been looking awful guilty."

"I hear that Peter said that Sirius was an ugly little maggot who got kicked out of his house because his parents don't love him anymore," Sirius whispered in a disguised, high voice as the passed by the group of gossiping teenagers.

Remus groaned loudly, but no one heard him over the cacophony of outrage that followed.

"Oh, how horrible!"

"No wonder he looks like he's ashamed of something!"

"He should be, saying things like that."

"Poor Sirius..."

"He must be just heartsick!"

"How could he have said such a thing?"

"I'll tell you, I have a lot of respect for Remus, sticking with him like that."

"Uh-oh, she's got that look..."

"Natasha! _Remus_?"

It was a good thing that no one could see the duo as the exited the Common Room. Remus looked nearly as red as Goyle had the time they had put Fire Dragon Candy in his dinner.

Sirius on the other hand was snickering mercilessly.

"Oh, do shut up," Remus muttered crossly.

"Remus has a girlfriend," Sirius sang out. "Remus has a girlfriend."

"I'm going to clock you if you don't shut it. Do you want Filch to catch us?"

Sirius continued giggling under his breath, but he insisted that he was very sorry for ever teasing Remus and would never ever do it again. Remus had taken this promise in stride, just like the three hundred thousand other promises Sirius had made over the course of their friendship. Remus was quite sure that Sirius would have a gay old time making fun of him for having a milk moustache in the morning.

The two continued on in silence from then on in, navigating the pitch black hallways without much trouble. Sirius made sure that the Cloak covered the both of them nicely while maintaining the Lumos Spell. Remus was too busy watching the figures move about on the map to pay much attention to walls, so Sirius had to also take it upon himself to steer Remus around the corners with his free hand.

"This is a lot easier with four people," Sirius observed in a hushed voice.

Remus couldn't help but smile softly. "Funny, you never say that when Peter steps on your foot."

"This is a lot easier with three people."

The two were forced to take a number of detours to avoid Mrs. Norris and the Hogwarts Ghosts. Even so, they made it to McGonagall's office in record time. Sirius swiftly doused the light emitting from his wand tip before throwing the cloak off. He knew that Remus could look at the map without any light. Sirius then strode up to the Head of Gryffindor House's desk, going right for the drawer that he knew she kept the list in. This wasn't the first time that they had broken into McGonagall's office to filch something from her, and they were well aware of where she kept her papers.

Sirius then pulled out a bobby pin and set to work on jimmying the tiny lock on the drawer. He knew better than to use a spell to open it. McGonagall had armed her desk against magical intrusion after she had discovered a large family of toads in her desks five years prior. But she had never once considered putting on any kind of Shocker Charm to keep any students from breaking in the Muggle way.

"So," Sirius said, keeping his tone as conversational as he could under the circumstances. "You like Natasha?"

Remus gave him a very annoyed look and whispered, "I can't believe that you're trying to set me up in the middle of an undercover clandestine mission."

"I'm picking a lock, not stealing the Hope Diamond," Sirius hissed. "You're starting to sound like me. You only do that when you want to avoid the inevitable conversation. And frankly, I'm a little engrossed in this lock. Gets harder to pick every time. So, if you don't mind, could we please just cut to the chase and get to your answer?"

Remus shrugged nonchalantly, deciding it was for the best anyway. "No. I mean, what kind of name is Natasha anyway?"

"The name of new money," Sirius said snootily.

"Ah," Remus said, not really sharing the sentiment as he would have been thrilled to have been new money or money at all really. "But anyway, she's a little too flighty for my tastes... I mean, sure it's me this week, but it might be Hayden from Hufflepuff the next, and Flitwick in a month."

"Well then she'd have odd taste in men," Sirius commented as he continued to have trouble with the lock. "A werewolf, a pyromaniac, and a midget."

"The 'nouveau riche' do tend to have poor taste," Remus pointed out.

"Well, I wouldn't have anything to do with her," Sirius entreated as he finally managed to pry the door open. "I hear those third years don't put out."

Sirius fished the list out of the drawer smartly, quickly pocketing it out of his own paranoia. Though if he had been caught standing in front of McGonagall's open desk with pick pocketing tools in his hand with the lights when he should have been in bed with his reputation... Well, that thought had gotten away with him, and he decided it was too obvious to continue dwelling on.

"Got it?" Remus queried, still engrossed in the goings on of the Map.

"Naturally," Sirius boasted.

"Good," Remus droned, sounding entirely disinterested in life itself at the moment. "Because Filch is coming, and it would be quite unfortunate for both of us if you weren't."

Sirius nearly cursed, but decided against it for fear of being heard. He swiftly shut the drawer, glad for once that it locked on its own. Then he ducked under the cloak, throwing the other portion over Remus, who was being entirely unhelpful simply to annoy Sirius. Clearly, he resented the slightest implication of being a pedophile. Sirius made a note to comment on the other boy's random and unwelcome bouts of stodginess at a later, less harrowing date.

Just as Remus made sure that their feet or any other appendage wasn't showing, Filch threw open the door, his wrinkled face turned sallow thanks to his lantern light. The unnervingly perceptive Mrs. Norris was at his feet, meowing at the empty space that Remus and Sirius were hiding in. Sirius once again considered kicking her and blaming it on Peeves, but managed to restrain himself.

Filch stepped in, glancing into every nook and cranny with his usual dutiful scowl. As usual, Mrs. Norris did not budge, but the Marauders had learned to stop fretting over her. As far as they knew, she was simply a cat. And felines could neither talk nor suddenly turn into a human being unless they were one to begin with. So, they felt no qualms in passing her by and venturing out the open door.

Remus began to move as if preparing to venture back down to the Gryffindor Tower, but he was quickly stopped by Sirius's hand on his shoulder. However, this time he was not so much as guided as jerked in the opposite direction.

"Ow," Remus muttered, giving Sirius a rather unpleasant look.

"Sorry," Sirius responded, clearly not meaning it. "Let's not go back to the Tower tonight. It depresses me in there. Besides, where would we go? We can't use our room, I wouldn't trust any of the other boys with something like this, the Common Room is out for obvious reasons, and I still haven't figured out how to get up to the Girl's Dormitory without nearly breaking my neck."

"Yet, you've managed it on several occasions," Remus said.

"I did say nearly."

"True," Remus conceded, taking another look down at the map to see which escape route Sirius was planning on using. It was fairly clear that they were bound for Hogsmeade no matter what Remus might have said even if he had objected. He quickly recognized that Sirius was taking the route closest to the Three Broomsticks. "You're going to work on the bike then?"

"What better way to spend an evening than plotting against our best friends and tinkering with Muggle modes of transportation?" Sirius remarked with a grin.

Remus smiled back at him, looking ever the angelic Prefect, saying, "You of all people should know the answer to that."

"Moony, you devil!"

"Yes, well-- Quiet. Slughorn's coming."

The boys quickly silenced themselves as their Potions professor who was prone to bouts of insomnia traipsed right by them without so much as a glance at a passing wind.

Shortly thereafter, they arrived upon the tapestry they sought. It was a rather amusing depiction of the Founders arguing about how the school was being run. As usual, Salazar Slytherin was ranting about Muggles running about the halls and Squibs on the staff (which had resulted in several stains on Slytherin's face to remain while the other Founders' were spotless). Helga Hufflepuff, who had always been a bit of an oddball, was doing a headstand on a chair while playing Cat's Cradle. Godric Gryffindor was snoring in a rather un-heroic manner while Rowena Ravenclaw nodded her head and responded in the right places to mask that she was doodling how Salazar might look in a dress and not paying any attention.

Remus reached out and ran his hand along the quill that Rowena Ravenclaw had not set down in all his years of attendance. The scene promptly froze as Helga was tumbling off of the chair, falling into Godric's lap. The door that was in the far right corner of the scene moved forward and opening, leading into the storage cellar of the Three Broomsticks. Sirius had been storing his bike there since one of the prettier barmaids had caught his fancy. Sirius took her on the occasional date, and she kept Madame Rosmerta from throwing them out.

The two boys quickly entered, shutting the door behind them. Sirius at once shed the cloak, striding over to an open box of Green Goblin Gin without a second thought.

Remus took it upon himself to neatly fold up the cloak saying, "None for me tonight."

Sirius moaned rather like a three year old as if he would stamp his feet in a fit of temper. "But Moony... I don't like drinking alone."

"That's only because you hate it when I tell embarrassing stories about those idiotic songs you sing," Remus quipped, settling himself beside the hulking bike that was still covered by canvas at the moment. "Besides, I thought you wanted to work on the bike."

"But... But..." Sirius pouted.

Remus gave Sirius the look of a relenting parent, one he guessed Sirius had never seen from his actual parents. "If I promise that we'll get drunk when we get Prongs and company, will you put the gin down?"

Sirius gave yet another woe be gone sigh and stared at the bottle of gin as if he might bid it a tearful good bye. Finally, he set the peridot liquid down and strode over to the bike, whipping off the canvas to reveal Sirius's beloved Shadow.

"Good boy," Remus cooed, patting Sirius on the leg. With a flick of the wrist, he had taken the attendance list from Sirius's pocket as well. He pulled the Master List of Gryffindors from his pocket (something that they took every year as it did tend to come in handy) and proceeded to begin examining it.

Sirius looked down at him, obviously impressed. "You've been taking lessons from Peter," he observed before turning his attention fully to his bike. He checked it over for anything obviously wrong. Once satisfied that his precious motorcycle had not been scratched, he picked up one of several rags laying on the floor with a bottle of wax and got to work.

Remus shrugged, furrowing his brow as he began with the Third Years. He did his best to keep from being supremely frustrated with Sirius when he came upon the name Natasha. "Peter's always saying that it's all in the wrist."

"Good thing too, fat as his fingers are."

"Now Padfoot," Remus chastised gently.

"I am not a nice person, Moony," Sirius pointed out. "I'm a Black. We're not nice people."

At that, Remus knew that a witty retort would have no place in the conversation. Especially considering that Sirius had stopped at his own words. For a few, brief seconds, any facade that Sirius regularly kept up along with the rest of mankind fell away as a veritable plethora of emotions ran through his eyes. Anger, resentment, regret, guilt, betrayal, profound sadness... And then as quickly as it had fallen away, it was remade. Sirius then attacked his bike with newfound vigor, though not enough to do it any harm.

Remus knew better than to press the issue with the boy. His family had and would always be a touchy subject. Sirius had always been rather closemouthed about it, even refusing to acknowledge Regulus for nearly three years. The Marauders knew more than anyone and enough to understand Sirius better, but no more than that. If at all possible, Sirius had become even more guarded about them since he had moved out, refusing to divulge the exact circumstances that had led up to that decision. Remus suspected that James knew something, but he doubted Sirius would ever tell a living soul that tale.

And so the two boys sat there in silence for the better part of an hour. Remus crossing names off of his list to ensure the success of the plan while Sirius continued to polish the bike. Several times, Remus almost started to ask about why he didn't bother using a spell (an answer he already knew) or something equally mundane or trivial. Each time he decided against it after taking one look at Sirius's face and went back to his work. After all, Remus was technically the only friend Sirius had left at the moment and vice versa. It would do them no good to get into an argument.

When Sirius had begun polishing the same area of Shadow the third time, he threw down the rag and cursed. He had the look of a man who wanted to kick something,  
but laying a hand on the bike was not an option.

Remus raised a quizzical eyebrow at Sirius and remarked, "Very imaginative. Remind me to write that down later. Although, I must say it would be a shame if the bunny rabbit got tetanus from that, and I do so like bunnies."

Sirius would have sighed, but it wasn't in his nature. He walked over to Remus and practically fell down beside him, shutting his eyes and resting the back of his head on one of the support beams. Without a word, Remus laid a hand on this shoulder, this time solely in comfort and not control.

"Moony..." Sirius began, refusing to open his eyes. He wasn't sure if a Black could ever withstand the pain of revealing light. "I hate the Blacks."

Remus nodded and gave Sirius's arm an extra squeeze. "I know you do."

"No!" Sirius half-shouted, turning his head from Remus as if he couldn't even bear a lidded gaze to be cast in his direction. "You don't understand... I don't just hate the years of ancestry and Pure-Blood fanaticism. I do hate all that, but there's so much more to it.

"For centuries it has been nothing but an obsession in maintaining the good of the bloodline. It's like nothing else even mattered to my family. And it has come to this. Look at my parents Moony! My mother is no better than a bigoted harpy. I don't know my father well enough to describe him, and Regulus..."

Sirius trailed off. His brother in only blood was not a subject that Sirius wished to expound upon unless absolutely necessary.

"I don't just hate my ancestry," Sirius insisted vehemently. "I hate my family. I feel nothing but loathing for the lot of them... I know that they say that you can't pick the people you're related to, and that you have to love them even if you don't like them, but... I can't even find the words to describe what I feel for them.

"I long for apathy. I crave it. Anything to escape this passionate to desire to... to do something so drastic and horrible that I can't even think of it. I won't say I want to kill them. It doesn't seem just. But I want them to understand what they've done. Maybe they never took up a wand and murdered, but it is people like them who make life miserable for... for--"

"People like me?" Remus finished serenely.

"Yes!" Sirius shouted. He sat there, breathing heavily for a moment. The storage room was filled with profound, palpable silence for a that snippet of time. The only sound was Sirius as he tried to catch his breath. Remus was ever silent like the wolf stalking the night.

Finally, the wolf broke it with the abruptness of a twig snapping underfoot.

"But you'd never do that," Remus breezed.

Sirius's neck twitched as though he wanted to look at him, but he still didn't turn his head. Still, there was a change in his posture that could not be missed. "How can you know that?"

"Because you're not like them."

Sirius didn't have anything to say to that. He nearly expected Remus to continue hammering his point home, but he didn't. It seemed that Remus expected him to be content with that and take it to heart. Surprisingly enough, Sirius did.

The two sat there for some time longer. Sirius was clearly lost in thought again. Remus let him be again, and proceeded to continue scratching off names on his parchment with his quill. When he finished, he proceeded to doodle little pictures of candy bars and sweets in the corner. When he ran out of sugary things he fancied, he started scratching out a possible outcome for this prank of theirs. Lily, James, and Peter all lay on the ground, little X's for eyes. The Sirius and Remus stick figures were dancing over their prone bodies, looking rather pleased with themselves. Remus found himself spending an inordinate amount of time on Sirius's hair.

"Did I ever tell you why I ran away?"

Remus looked over at Sirius, his amber eyes going slightly wide. This was not only out of the blue, but it was certainly some coincidence. "No," Remus said softly. "I always reckoned you told James, but--"

Sirius snorted, running a hand through his silky, midnight locks. Remus once again noted with some modicum of jealously that they fell around his face perfectly, but quickly put it out of mind. "I didn't tell that bloke anything. He asked, but I wouldn't say anything. I just told him I'd had enough, and that's it."

"Really? You didn't concoct some fantastic story about your mother chaining you to the wall and your brother poking you with hot metal rods until you summoned the strength to break your shackles and then you flew off into the night on a great winged panther? Or something?" Remus queried, arching a bushy eyebrow.

Sirius smiled softly, though there was no joy behind it. He shrugged casually, but there was something in his overall demeanor that revealed that there was absolutely nothing casual about this conversation. Remus could read Sirius better than his beloved texts it seemed, and the lupine boy sensed his apprehension. Sirius was a very private person, and his family life was a closely guarded aspect of his life. Remus had assumed that he had told James about it, but... Clearly there were some things that the boy couldn't even tell his own brother in all but blood, as Regulus had never really lived up to the exalted title.

And Remus didn't want him to admit this lightly. "Padfoot," he started softly. "I appreciate you trusting me with... Whatever it is you're about to tell me. But I know that you don't like to talk about this stuff, and... I'm wondering if you're only doing this to spite James."

The dark boy turned to Remus, white outlining his ice blue irises all around. He was clearly taken aback by the psychology of the situation, and for a moment, Remus wondered if he had offended him. He was filled with the usual sense of panic and nearly began apologizing, when Sirius broke out in a grin.

"Don't worry, Moony," Sirius assured him. "You really are an insecure blob of jelly, aren't you?"

Remus almost flushed, but he hadn't done that since his third year, and he wasn't going to start up again now.

"I've been planning on telling you since I left," Sirius admitted, staring out in front of him, all hints of cheerfulness gone. "I wanted to come and find you right after I left, but... I didn't think you'd have me."

Remus darkened and the temperature in the room dropped considerably. The two boys had promised at one point never to bring up THAT subject again, but Sirius had a tendency to want to mention it in spite of the pact. Remus supposed he couldn't blame him. It was a dark period in their lifetime, and they had never given it the proper closure.

"What are you trying to say, Sirius?" Remus uttered, his tone clear that he was not talking about **that** incident.

Remus had never really seen the point in closure.

Sirius looked at Remus out of his peripheral vision and wisely decided to let the subject drop. "Well... I left Grimmauld because... of you."

The rebel turned to the scholar, looking at him head on for the first time since this line of conversation had begun. Sirius could tell by his friend's expression that he was surprised and rightfully so. But Remus, ever the insightful one, didn't automatically press Sirius for more details. He could tell how hard it was for the member of the Twisted and Most Prejudiced House of Black.

And it was hard for Sirius. Granted, he had been unable to talk to Remus for the earlier part of their sixth year, but after that, he had been presented with ample opportunity. James was chasing Lily with more determination than ever, seeing his stay at Hogwarts coming to an end. And Peter actually realized that he was good at something other than picking pockets, finding that he had a knack for Ancient Runes. Sirius had actually suspected that the two marauders had occupied themselves more and more so that Remus and Sirius could spend more time together.

It had certainly done wonders for their friendship. Any rifts between them were hardly forgotten, but life went on as if they had never happened thanks to Remus's blatant refusal to face their demons and Sirius's uncharacteristic respect for his wishes. And with so much time alone, there had been numerous times when the information was on the tip of his tongue...

But he could never bring himself to do it. Sirius always managed to distract himself by regaling Remus with fancified tales of his latest conquest or the next brilliant scheme that would land them a place in the annals of Hogwarts history. He kept the subject matter light, he kept Remus laughing, and he never had to face his own demons.

Nevertheless, Sirius Black was not Remus Lupin. Perhaps the Prefect could shove all of his skeletons to the back of the closet where they would no longer bother him, but Sirius couldn't do that. They kept popping out to haunt him, driving him mad. He had done his best to ignore them. He had kept himself and others laughing to drown out the darkness.

But he couldn't do it anymore.

"I left because of you," Sirius repeated, the words seeming strange in his mouth. He wasn't entirely sure why he had picked that moment to reveal this to his only friend left in the world, but he had. And there was no backing out now. "You see, I... Well, I'd been rather depressed all summer."

Remus flinched, knowing the cause. But Sirius didn't stop. This needed to be told in spite of his promise.

"I mean, I was never exactly joyful to be trapped inside that horrible place, but it was different. Normally, I'd be out just about every night with you or James or vandalizing Snivellus's home or some rot. But I wasn't even doing that anymore.

"My parents were actually concerned about me. They were apparently concerned that I was going daft. Imagine that."

Remus didn't miss the bitter irony of the situation.

"Unbeknownst to me, they sent ickle Reggie down to my room one night to find out just what was bothering me," Sirius paused, looking oddly nostalgic and wistful, as if remembering something warm and loving amidst the cold horror amassed in the hidden home on Grimmauld Place. "You know, he actually seemed sincere. When we were younger, he... He was actually a really sweet kid. We always hung around each other because Mum and Da weren't exactly pleasant to be around... Used to crawl into my bed after he had a nightmare because my parents yelled at him for it and he was... he was really small then, you know. Still is really, but he was kind of sickly. He needed protecting. He needed big brother Sirius to chase away the monsters and overzealous clowns and rot.

"But then I got sorted into Gryffindor after a few hundred decades of nothing but Slytherin blood. You know how they got..." Sirius stopped, his posture going rigid and his fists curling up at his side. Remus rubbed his back again, attempting to be reassuring and comforting somehow. He quickly realized that as heartfelt as the gesture was, it felt hollow to Sirius. Any hug or kiss he had received for nearly his entire life had been devoid and empty. They were either given for propriety's sake or to pass the time in the Astronomy Tower.

"They turned him against me!" Sirius raged quietly. "My own brother! And when he came into my room that night, acting sympathetic and willing to listen... I believed him.

"I told him... Not the whole truth. Just that I'd gotten into a row with you after a trick I played on Snape," Sirius stopped again to pound his fist against one of the support beams. "How the hell was I supposed to know that the little maggot had actually confided in my brother before he was sworn to silence!

"He went running out of the room right after I finished... And in seconds I knew. I knew that he had played me like a... a ruddy flute, and I hadn't even seen it." Sirius hung his head, clearly disgusted with his own naiveté. "I don't know how I was that stupid. I knew Regulus. I lived with him. I had seen him looking at me with the same look of loathing my mother had, as if I'd brought shame on to the family name for being who I am. But I deluded myself into thinking that he could change! That the... the little boy whose first sign of magic was putting the eye back on my teddy bear was still there.

"I knew my mother had killed him, but I didn't want to believe it.

"I ran after him, but it was too late. He'd started screaming about you and werewolves the minute he heard me coming. Snape hadn't told him who the werewolf was for fear of his life, but Regulus isn't an idiot. My mother didn't hear the whole story, and I'm sure she never did. But the minute she heard that the Remus Lupin I had mentioned over Christmas and Summer Holiday was a werewolf, she was livid.

"I can honestly say, I had never seen her that angry before. She was railing on about pets of the devil and dirty blood and half-breeds and all that other rubbish.  
She was shrieking so loud, I swear she cracked a mirror. She woke up all of the old portraits and soon the entire house was shaking with rage worked up over years of racism. I had spat on whatever standing I had in that household and in that family."

Sirius stopped again, looking over to Remus. The boy looked remarkably composed given what Sirius had just told him. He may have been growing used to the casual comments thrown about in the hallway. He was used to people burning him in their ignorance to his condition. But he was still human. And those things still burned even if he was used to fire.

But Remus refused to betray any sorrow over the bigotry. Sirius couldn't even tell if he felt any at all.

Sirius continued, deciding not to dwell on it any longer. "I was given a choice. I would either swear on the most important thing to me that I would never see or speak to you again... Or I was no longer a Black.

"The entire house grew silent. It was positively eerie... Thousands of years of unblemished ancestry sat there and waited for my response. They waited to hear if any man in his right mind would actually turn his back on his blood ties - the ties that are supposed to run deepest. All of my ancestors waited on baited breath for my decision. And you know what I told her?

"I told her that my friends were the most important thing to me, and that she could go to hell as I'm sure she'd find appropriate company there.

"The entire house erupted again, but I didn't care. I spun on my heel and ran back to my room. I couldn't make out what the portraits were saying, but I could hear my old bat of a mother screaming 'blood traitor' over the din.

"I went back to my room. I packed up my things. I summoned up the motorbike. I rode it through the entire house, nearly flattening Reggiekins in the process and I flew to the Potters."

Remus stared at Sirius in utter amazement. He had never expected to be privy to this information, but to learn this? That the final straw had been... him?

He supposed that he should have been worried that Regulus was privy to his secret, but it didn't really bother him. The boy hadn't told his secret as of yet. He clearly wasn't planning on it for fear of his own life and limb. Regulus wouldn't tell his secret. And even if he did, it wouldn't matter much in the long run. Remus was scheduled to pay the Werewolf Registry the day after his graduation from Hogwarts, and then anyone who wanted to know could. And with that day looming ever closer, his secret getting out wouldn't be the end of the world.

But that certainly didn't mean he was going to take out advertisements just yet.

Still, this was quite a shock. He really didn't know what to say or how to feel about this. He was grateful that Sirius had stuck up for his friends like that.  
And... he felt deliriously happy. In spite of overwhelming evidence to the contrary, he somehow found himself constantly fretting over his relationship with the other Marauders. He always wondered if maybe they were just putting up with him. Did they actually like him? Did they talk about him when he wasn't around? Did they care at all?

Of course, he knew it was largely ridiculous given the fact that they had gone through so much pain and agony in becoming Animagi for his sake. He knew it in his heart.

Yet, there were still horrible moments of insecurity that gripped him with a force he couldn't deny. He had felt it every time he walked up to the group of three boys, all of whom looking perfectly content without a fourth. He wondered if they were happier, perhaps even better off, without him.

It was in moments like that where he wondered how he could ever believe that.

"And let me tell you, you have seen nothing until you've seen Mrs. Potter in a nightie."

Remus practically fell over. He really should have seen that coming.

"Thank you, Padfoot," Remus drawled viciously. "You have once again ruined a perfectly lovely moment with sexual... things. Congratulations."

Sirius flashed a dazzling smile and added, "I am good at that aren't I?"

He started laughing himself silly over the prospect, but it died quickly. Remus was clearly not amused, still moved by the power of Sirius's earlier tale. Sirius relented and put his arm around Remus. "Moony... I really wanted to tell you that,  
but... I--"

"I understand," Remus said, a smile creeping across his tired features. "More than you know."

Sirius blinked, surprised at his cryptic words, but he didn't have time to dwell on them. Remus was starting to get to his feet, letting Sirius's arm fall uselessly to his side. The boy on the floor looked up at the other, raising an eyebrow.  
"Don't tell me. You want to go to bed."

"Well, it is nearly four in the morning," Remus pointed out with a yawn. "And we still have to get this list back to McGonagall's desk... Oh, and we don't have anything to worry about. Years three through seven will be in Hogsmeade save for James and company, and there was an addendum about something special planned for the young ones to avoid any tantrums. Some kind of required seminar previewing the electives or some rubbish."

Sirius shrugged and got to his feet, feeling somewhat awkward about how this evening was ending... Then again, what had he been expecting? Life wasn't a well written soap opera. Hell, soap operas weren't well written soap operas.

"Forget about the parchment, Moony," Sirius said, hopping to his feet. He stretched as well, working the kinks out of his back. He hadn't realized how uncomfortable their seating arrangement had been. "I'll walk you back to the dorm and take it back myself. I'm not really that tired anyway."

Remus smiled. "Well, aren't you the perfect gentlemen?"

"I know how to treat a lady," Sirius admitted, smirking.

Remus laughed, the sound nearly musical to Sirius's ears after the overall depressing evening. He added his own deep chuckle to the sound, his spirits lifting with every passing breath. Maybe this hadn't been as bad as he thought.

"Hey, Padfoot?"

Sirius looked up and nodded expectantly. "Yeah?"

Remus didn't answer him immediately, looking off at some point passed him. Sirius was tempted to turn and see what was there, but he knew that the effort would have yielded no fruit. Remus was staring so far beyond him, Sirius couldn't see what it was even if he was an oracle. For a few seconds, he could feel the distance grow between the two, as if Remus had ascended on to a higher plane.

Moments later, Remus blinked and he was at Sirius's side again. A gentle, honest smile graced his lips. Again, Sirius marveled at how youthful he looked.

"Thank you."

And Sirius understood with beautiful clarity that it wasn't just for the laugh.

* * *

Coming Soon - Part Four: Rat's Eye View


	5. Part Four: Rat's Eye View

All Kidding Aside  
Part Four: Rat's Eye View  
5/12  
by Kihin Ranno

Peter was going absolutely bat shit crazy. Or maybe it would be more appropriate for him to go rat shit crazy.

Peter smiled to himself at the thought of his joke even though he knew their current situation did not call for levity of any kind. Of course, he didn't realize that the joke he had just made wasn't that funny and probably would have gotten him pelted with pillows if he had said it aloud. Thus, he very foolishly wished everything was normal so that he could have made the joke and impressed everyone with his quick wit. But then, if things were normal, he wouldn't have felt the need to make the joke in a lame attempt to make himself smile. He just had to smile because he hadn't smiled in what felt like eons. That's the sort of thing that happened when your best mates aren't speaking and you're a part of it even though you didn't **DO ANYTHING**. You were just sitting there watching it all happen, and then suddenly, you had to pick a side, and of course you picked James's because he is James Potter, and there are two things Peter never questioned: his grandmother and James Potter.

It was Wednesday, and in Peter's opinion, it was the worst Wednesday in the history of the world ever. Never had there been a more depressingly painful Wednesday. Surely no one had ever had to endure the torture of two warring factions sitting in the same room, no one speaking and speaking volumes at the same time.

There was Remus. Tense, rigid, stony Remus. Remus who was clearly stifling everything inside of him because Remus Lupin never exploded. No, Remus bottled things up and let them out once a month as a wolf, and then it didn't really count. Every month, just days before the full moon, Remus's jaw would begin to crack painfully with every yawn. It was a sign that the eruption was coming. Once, it had gotten particularly bad, and he'd forbidden them from accompanying him on the journey for their own personal safety.

They all knew what good **that **had done them, didn't they?

Remus suddenly looked up, probably because he knew Peter was staring at him. Peter supposed he couldn't blame him because he supposed that if one could stare loudly, Peter Pettigrew would blow out eardrums. Sirius had once told him that his eyes get unnaturally large and his jaw unhinges. If breasts were involved, there would often be drool dribbling down his chin along with a lot of unsavory, practically pornographic heavy breathing. Peter often got hit when he stared at people.

Embarrassed and feeling as if Remus somehow knew what night he had been thinking of and knowing how treacherous it was for him to think of that even if they weren't speaking, Peter looked away. Remus wasn't really more powerful than him like James and Sirius were. Peter didn't defer to him out of respect or silently worship and idolize him or anything like that. However, Peter was now more aware than ever of Remus's strength and Remus's deadliness and Remus's great, cracking jaws, and he couldn't help but dwell on the fact that Remus was so very, very big while Peter is so very, very small on those nights of fur and debauchery. Therefore, Peter did not stare at Remus anymore and hoped that Remus could read minds like Peter sometimes thought he could. Someone that smart just has to be able to read minds, really. It wouldn't be fair otherwise.

So, Peter stared at James. James was different. While Remus was so tense Peter often thought that he had transfigured himself into a statue or some such, James's silence was full of movement. He twitched. He fidgeted. His head would jerk in Remus's general direction as if he was on the brink of saying something either terribly profound or terribly angry. He even looked as though he were about to get up and go to him on several occasions. He did not doubt James had intentions of hugging/beating/yelling/weeping pathetically, but he restrained himself for the sake of his manhood and Peter's sanity. Peter didn't think he could handle James Potter weeping pathetically. He'd had a nightmare about it once and was absolutely incoherent for weeks afterwards.

Peter knew that James was sad about very sudden loss of his two best friends. He also knew that James was quickly reaching the point where he was getting a right bit furious with the both of them. Sirius was being overly sensitive and therefore ridiculous. And Remus was equally ridiculous for not being sensible and smoothing things over by pointing out that Sirius was being ridiculous.

He and James had sat up the night before and marveled at this behavior. Remus was so level-headed and loyal to all of them. They couldn't imagine why he was suddenly favoring Sirius. After all, if he wasn't bent, why did he owe Sirius more than the rest of them? Peter had suggested that perhaps Sirius had a way of hypnotizing people with his shiny hair, but James had quickly nixed that idea by hitting Peter over the head with the latest issue of _Witch Weekly_.

Peter turned and caught sight of himself in the mirror, so he stared at that for awhile. Like most people, he then continued to look at his reflection even though he did not find himself particularly attractive and never understanding why his reflection was so fascinating. However, he did not analyze himself for he was not one for introspection.

Instead, he cast his eyes toward the door and watched as it flew open with relish, harkening in the majestic and wondrous figure of one Sirius Black. Peter happened to notice that Sirius's silences were quite loud as the door banged open and then banged shut, his combat boots trampling about and making the whole room shake and tremble with the essence of Sirius Black. Then Sirius flopped down on the bed and rested his chin on Remus's shoulder, which really did nothing to dissuade James and Peter from the issue that started the damn fight in the first place.

"Whatcha reading?" Sirius asked loudly, making it perfectly clear that he would accept no one else into the conversation.

"_Anna Karenina_," Remus responded in a distracted tone. "I've become quite the fan of Russian classics actually. I'm going to raid the library for more Tolstoy just as soon as I have the time."

Sirius snorted, removing himself from Remus and splaying himself on the bed in what Peter thought would have been a very appealing matter had he himself been... like that. "You and your books. It's just ink on paper, Moony. Don't see how it can get your rocks off so bloody much."

Remus smiled in his calm, mysterious, oh-so-Remusy way. "Because, it's just ink on paper, Pads. It's so marvelously simplistic really. I'm just fascinated by the power of words and their ability to--"

"To bore me into an early grave, mate." Sirius proceeded to roll of the bed, landing in a way that made Peter wince painfully and then look away in case they noticed him emoting.

"Really, I mean I know we're trying to fill this dreadfully awkward silence, but I'd rather you read your Potions essay that you finished in advance AGAIN, you great tit."

James finally popped. Although, instead of having it out with the two of them like Peter expected, he pulled his shoes on violently and stomped out the door. He no doubt muttered something about going to see Lily, but Peter couldn't hear him over the pounding of his abnormally large feet. He opened the door, snapping at the manner in which it squeaked at him, convinced it was some sort of veiled insult. He did not slam it behind him, but walked off in such a way that was somehow worse than that.

Peter swallowed as James left. He had now been left alone with his enemies. Not that he wanted them to be his enemies, but they really were his enemies now because James had said so without actually saying so. He had made the sentiment clear by the way he had stopped breathing whenever Remus turned a page in a book or Sirius fixed his hair. It wasn't that it caught in his throat or anything like that. No, it came to a screeching halt. It reminded Peter of how he had managed to stop his broom the first time he had ever mounted one. There was still a dent in eastern wall of the castle.

Peter slowly turned to look back at Remus and Sirius, the latter of whom was glaring dangerously, dark eyes smoldering in a fashion he must have picked up from his mother. Peter almost accidentally transfigured into a rat, something he had done quite often in the early days when he was nervous or scared. He had once vanished right in front of Professor McGonagall. She hadn't been the slightest bit worried about him, immediately giving Sirius and James detention for the incident even though they hadn't done anything. For once. Still, they'd been good mates and took the blame as Remus subtly slipped Peter into his pocket, righting him just as soon as the class was over. Sirius had laughed for a full ten minutes while James explained that it was just as well. There was so much they were never punished for after all.

But now, Sirius wasn't being a good mate. None of them were being very good mates. Instead they were feuding and Peter still wasn't sure what the whole thing was about anyway. All he knew was, he had been placed opposite Remus and Sirius, and James wasn't around to save his skin if things got ugly.

Peter gulped so hard that his throat hurt afterwards. His lower lip trembled as he tried to speak, but it only came out in several squeaks.

Sirius snorted, tossing his hair slightly. "And they think we're poufters."

Then sounds started coming out of Peter's mouth that sounded very much like words. This terrified Peter because the last thing he wanted to do was talk to Sirius or Remus (mostly Sirius), but his mouth was acting without his consent. He tried to look down and glare at it or stare at it in horror (he couldn't decide which was more appropriate and neither one was terribly original), but this proved to be physically impossible.

"It's not like that, Sirius. Honest. James is just... Well, you know how he is and it isn't as if we actually meant it and we really don't think you're a liar, Sirius.  
You only tell fibs to the professors and they don't really count because it's all in good fun, and--"

"Peter, you're really not helping the situation," Remus advised him coolly. "Perhaps you should leave."

Peter took this as nothing more than a suggestion. His momentary fear of Remus had subsided. It was hard to remember how strong he was considering how frail he seemed overall. It was much easier to remember that Sirius could beat him to a bloody pulp, especially when he curled up his fists and bared his teeth like he was doing at that precise moment.

His voice leapt up several octaves, but he didn't budge. He wasn't sure if that Gryffindor bravery was kicking in or if he was too terrified to move. Either way,  
Peter hated himself just a little bit more in that moment. "Please, if you'd just talk to James, I'm sure he could--"

"Oh, yes!" Sirius shouted, clapping his hands together and leaping to his feet. He began pacing, and Remus actually put down his book, knowing that not even he would be able to tune out this next performance. "Let us please talk about all of the things James Potter could do to make this situation worse!"

Peter was quite confused. "Actually, that wasn't really where I was going with that."

Sirius ignored him grandly, turning up his nose in a way that reminded all of them of his unfortunate relation to Narcissa. "There really aren't many things he could do to incur my wrath even more. But let's try! He could say that I stole one of his socks, which would momentarily anger me until I remembered that I actually did it. So, that won't work... There's always cheating off his homework, but he lets me do that half the time anyway. That doesn't matter to either of us. No, I have to think of something big. Because only the big things will make me crazy. I am in fact a very calm man."

"Your raving is a perfect illustration of that, Padfoot," Remus informed him serenely. He looked as though he almost wanted to be sympathetic to Peter, but was deciding against it.

Peter didn't understand why more people didn't consider him pitiable.

Sirius continued walked up and down the room until he danced around, flailing his arms as if he was snatching a fly out of the air. "I've got it! He could accuse me of incest!"

Peter turned green. He hoped he wasn't about to hear something unpleasant about the nightly activities of the Black clan again. The subject came up entirely too much for his liking.

Sirius nodded. "Yes. That's always a good one. Matter of fact, I'm surprised Lily wasn't curious about my family relations as well. It's no secret that Bellatrix has a rather odd sexual appetite, and it certainly would explain my promiscuity if it were true. Hell, Bellatrix would do it with a tablecloth if it had the proper anatomy. And it would certainly make me angry. And of course you'd just sit there nodding stupidly because you agree with everything that comes out of James Potter's mouth because he's the god of all things on high! He's omniscient! All-knowing! All-seeing! Perfection encapsulated in a bony frame! He's so great you can hardly stand to look at him and never really make eye contact with him. Always staring at his eyebrows because you don't feel worthy of James Potter!"

Peter began scooting back on the bed as Sirius advanced. His eyes were wild. The rat within could sense the seething dog. He was trembling at all of the barking and shouting. He could almost see Padfoot seething and frothing at the mouth, tossing his head back and forth and readying to pounce.

Peter had seen Sirius like this before. It actually didn't take very much to set Sirius off where his friends were concerned. He'd seen many a Slytherin trapped under Sirius's insane glare. He'd seen the bold and the brave crumble under the ranting and more than a few tears shed from the incident. Peter desperately did not want to be one of those people.

Now Remus was feeling a bit of sympathy and began to get to his feet. "Sirius..."

"Well, you know what Peter? You're not worthy of James Potter! You're not worthy of Remus Lupin! You're not even worthy of Sirius Black! You're just a sniveling little coward. The only reason you got sorted into here is because you're too dull for Ravenclaw and the Slytherins would eat you alive. I still say you should be Hufflepuff because you're certainly nothing if not loyal! At least to "Jesus" James Potter you are!"

"Sirius." Remus was sounding sterner now.

"You don't have an original thought in your head. It's only James in there. He's your world Peter. You're not even human. You're a mouse! You don't even have the dignity of rat! You're just a little frightened mouse looking up at humans and thinking they're God! Pesky tag-along James and I didn't even want in the first place, but you snuck around, followed us, and now he's stuck with you! And you just don't understand that no one wants you, and no one will ever want you, you ruddy stupid son of a--"

Sirius began to reach forward and grab at Peter or perhaps take a swing at him, but Remus finally acted. He caught Sirius's wrist, but didn't seem to be holding it very tightly. Still, Sirius made a show as if he was.

Remus looked down at Peter, his eyes no longer betraying the slightest bit of empathy. "You should go now."

Peter still didn't move. He was paralyzed, staring up at Sirius. He looked at his eyebrows, not his eyes.

"Should I go get James to tell you to move?" Sirius snapped.

"That's enough," Remus told him softly. He turned back to Peter. "I will let him go if you're not out of here in ten seconds."

Remus never even began counting. Peter just bolted from the room, not bothering to close the door behind him. Sirius did it for him. Loudly.

Peter remained in the hallway, shaking violently. Once he was certain that the door had been secured with a flip of the lock, Peter leaned his entire body weight against the door. He slid down it, always finding that it was easier for him to think when he was closer to the ground. It afforded him a better view of things. And possibly an opportunity to listen at the door.

However, Peter couldn't hear them from within, so he rightly assumed that they'd cast a silence charm. No doubt they'd figured he would eavesdrop. It was what he was best at really. He'd been good at it before his Animagus form had been discovered, and it was probably what lent him to it.

He had always known that being on the receiving end of one of Sirius's raving tirades would not have been pleasant. But he'd never known just how horrible it was to be pinned with those eyes and have that voice running over and over again in his head. He had never heard Sirius be so nasty to anyone, not even to Snape. Then again, as much as Sirius hated Snape, he didn't know him. He knew Peter and he knew just how to hurt him.

Peter balled up both of his fists. That's what he always heard from the others, all the time. They told him that he was useless, that there was no point to him being with James and Sirius and Remus. Well, they didn't tell him exactly. He heard it from their eyes, from the way they looked at him when he was with his friends. And sometimes he did hear them because Peter Pettigrew heard more than anyone was supposed to.

It hurt, knowing he wasn't good enough. All his life he'd wanted to be smart like Remus or suave like Sirius or just bloody amazing like James. He'd always longed for that ease and that wit and that human perfection the three of them so easily attained. But he didn't have it, so he sponged. And he knew he did that. He soaked up as much as he could in hopes that eh could be like them. But he was still dull and lumpy and hopeless at everything.

But they still liked him.

Well, it used to be they liked him.

It was bad enough that Remus was no longer sympathetic to Peter and that Sirius seemed to no longer enjoy Peter's company, but lately Peter was thinking James was just putting up with him. He was all that James had left. A part of Peter had almost been glad that Sirius was temporarily out of the picture. He had James all to himself. Now he could be like James's new Sirius. It had been thrilling to think about.

But he wasn't. He was still the tag along. He was still the boy that just followed James Potter around. The one James Potter was really too nice to spurn and who he did like well enough. But he could never be like Sirius was with James. He should have known it from the beginning. He should have known they wouldn't be planning pranks or getting drunk or talking in code language like James and Sirius. Because they were James and Peter and James and Peter didn't do things like that. All they ever really did was talk about Sirius and, to a lesser extent, Remus. Them and that fight was all that James could think about. It was worse than when he'd first started dating Evans.

It wasn't how he wanted it to be, but Peter didn't care. He had some of James's attention. He'd supposed he'd have to make do with that.

But he secretly resented that. And it had been bothering him, secretly resenting James.

So, he came up with a solution.

He would openly resent Sirius and Remus.

Everything was their fault anyway. They were the ones who were too bloody sensitive about the lying bit. It didn't even matter. It was just James shooting his mouth off because he was James. But no, they'd both decided to take it to heart. And now no one was happy and no one was speaking to each other and no one was around to hear his terribly funny jokes and it was really annoying Peter.

Besides, Sirius should never have said those things to him. No one should have. Sometimes, when Peter was feeling very depressed or angry in the dark of the night, he would contemplate the concept of revenge. It was an idea the Marauders all whole-heartedly supported. It was always about retaliation and defending honor and such. And sometimes Peter would think about how he could get revenge on everyone who had ever thought him unworthy. Sometimes he would think about silly pranks and others he would think of blood. He found the latter much more satisfying.

Yes, if Peter Pettigrew ever took revenge, it would certainly be sweet.

But he probably wouldn't. Actually, he probably couldn't. Not really. He would just make do with the merry pranking, laughing at their misfortune and feeling quite satisfied with that.

Peter was sure that he would eventually forgive Sirius for what he said.

But he certainly would never forget it.

-----

Had Remus not cast the Silencing Charm just after Sirius slammed the door, Peter would have heard the following conversation.

Remus lowered his wand, sticking it smartly in his pocket. He looked at Sirius out of the corner of his eye, waiting until his breathing patterns seemed to become normal again and his posture relaxed. Once he was certain that Sirius was calming down, he folded his arms across his chest and strode forward to stand next to him. He rocked back and forth on his heels and said, "To quote the immortal words of Sirius Black uttered on the day prior to the fourth full moon in our first year, 'I wish you'd told me you were on the rag. I wasn't prepared for that outburst.'"

Sirius laughed, but his heart wasn't in it. "Why, Remus Lupin, that was positively vulgar even if it was just repeated. Whatever would your mother say?"

"Nothing I expect," Remus responded lightly. "She's still trying to regain her speech from the time you remarked on how often my parents, and I quote, "must have done the naked pretzel" given my mother's... ample assets."

"Your dad certainly found it amusing."

"Just because he spit out his brandy does not mean that he was amused."

"I was amused by the look on your face after he did it."

"That might have something to do with the fact that my father's saliva and cheap alcohol were both in my eye. It was disgusting."

With that, it was decided that what had just transpired would not be discussed. They both had more important things to talk about anyway.

Sirius smiled, turning and walking over the window. He looked out at the grounds of Hogwarts, catching a glimpse of Lily Evans running over to James Potter and throwing her arms around his neck. He returned the embrace, though it seemed as if he couldn't decide whether or not to let his arms flop about like a wet noodle or hold onto her tightly, wanting to never let go. In the end, he chose the wise direction of the middle ground and simply hugged her. Then the two went off to do whatever it was they did when they were alone. Sirius did not doubt that were Peter not still sitting outside the door, he would follow them, thus ruining whatever it was they wanted to do.

"We're going to get them good, aren't we?" Sirius questioned as Remus once again stood at his side.

"Yes," Remus agreed, leaning forward on his elbows and following Sirius's gaze. "Yes, I do believe we are."

Sirius smiled broadly and with the slightest hint of malice. "Good."

Remus looked over at him, recognizing Sirius's vindictive streak. He shifted uncomfortably and said, "Sirius?"

"Yup?"

Remus wanted to ask him something, but he wasn't entirely sure what. He perhaps wanted to ask if maybe he was taking this too seriously. Or if he was getting just a bit too invested. Maybe he wanted to flat out tell him that he was treating this more as a vendetta than a practical joke. Remus was beginning to fear that somehow this not speaking or yelling was just Sirius being angry and reminding everyone that deep down, a part of him was very much like the clan he came from. And Remus felt horrible for thinking that, but there was something in Sirius that terrified Remus because it reminded him of himself. The beast within. The dark rage. It made Remus wonder if perhaps it would get him in trouble someday and if maybe he should call his best friend on it now before everything spiraled out of control.

"You gonna say something any time there, Moony?" Sirius asked, raising a brow.

But then Remus told himself he was being silly and Sirius was just high-strung. He was angry, and he had a right to be angry. It would fade the moment the joke was executed. This wasn't malicious. It was all in good fun.

"I was just amazed by the way your hair catches the sunlight," Remus remarked easily. "Do you buff it or something? It's just so shiny and really quite distracting."

Besides, if Remus said anything like that to Sirius, he'd lose him too.

"I heard Peter ask James if he thought it hypnotized you," Sirius told him. "I'm beginning to think the old chap was right."

"Again, shiny."

"Since when have you been distracted by shiny things?"

Remus shrugged. "Maybe I caught it from Peter."

Sirius gasped, clutching at his chest as if his heart was going to leap out of his chest. "Why, Remus! I knew it! I just knew that you were cheating on me!"

Remus sighed, utterly woebegone. "I should have known I'd get caught sooner or later. Damn the luck!"

"Don't you love me anymore?" he questioned, his lower lip trembling tragically.

"It's not about love, Sugarpants," Remus informed him solemnly, clapping a hand on his shoulder. "I just couldn't resist Peter. Those eyes too big for his head with the perpetually surprised expression. And the fat rolls - oh, the fat rolls nearly did me in! Finally, one day I just couldn't take it anymore so I took him.  
It was so beautiful. There he was, walking in front of me by the lake, his butt wiggling so beautifully in the moonlight--"

Sirius looked ill. "All right, enough of this. I'm feeling a bit green about the gills."

"I know it's hard, oh former lover of mine, but I need you to hear the truth,"Remus pressed. "Just then, the Giant Squid reached out her tentacley arms to grab him and drag him down to her watery bower."

"You are the only man I know who uses words found only in Shakespeare in normal conversation," Sirius told him.

"So I saved him!" Remus continued loudly, illustrating just how long he had been friends with Sirius. "I tore him from the monster's reach and dragged him to safety. And there he laid beneath me, shivering and wet and frightened--"

"And you filled him in a way he'd never been filled before?" Sirius drawled, still looking slightly nauseous.

Remus huffed, mustering as much dignity as he could. "You make it sound ugly. It was beautiful! Beautiful I say! You would have been blinded had you looked upon the scene."

"Because I would have gouged my eyes out," Sirius pronounced with a shudder.

"You would have been moved," Remus insisted.

"To a toilet so I could empty my stomach contents."

With that, Remus playfully smacked him on the shoulder. It was swiftly returned. This went back and forth for quite awhile until Sirius trapped Remus in a headlock. They both went careening over to James's bed, which they promptly fell off, and the wrestling continued with many proclamations of impending glory and most villainous threats.

Meanwhile, Peter had managed to get enough wits about him to peep through the keyhole. He couldn't see very much, but he was certain both Remus and Sirius had fallen on a bed and then rolled off it.

Peter straightened and decided to go as Snape if there was any potion that would burn his eyes out.

"Fairies!" Peter declared, running away from the scene as fast as his pudgy legs would carry him. "Absolutely bent!"

* * *

Coming Soon: - Part Five: Quicksilver


	6. Part Five: Quicksilver

All Kidding Aside  
Part Five: Quicksilver  
6/12  
by Kihin Ranno

Everyone at Hogwarts knew that there had been a very important rule that must be obeyed at all costs with absolute no exceptions whatsoever. It had been in place since the forefathers of their forefathers had been attending the School for Witchcraft and Wizardry. There was no claiming ignorance of this rule, not that Argus Filch would have spared anyone from his wrath had that been their excuse.

And that was the rule that all students must be in their dormitories by nightfall. They were not to be wandering about the castle, goofing about in the Potions Lab, studying in the library, or becoming acquainted with the opposite sex in various states of undress in the Astronomy Tower. They were certainly not to be gallivanting around the grounds of Hogwarts, the Quidditch Pitch, or wander within ten feet of the Dark Forest. Some professors even wished that the rule be changed so that all students were tied down to their beds at that time.

The Marauders were very proud to boast that this suggestion had not been brought up since the Firecracker Incident, which had occurred in their Second Year.

The Marauders were also very proud to boast that they rarely if ever took this rule into consideration or even regarded it as a rule. James had once said that he viewed it as more of a suggestion. Sirius often denied that he knew the meaning of the word rule. Remus often just hung his head and wondered how he had ended up being friends with these boys in the first place.

Even so, it was because of this attitude that Sirius and Remus felt very little guilt when they exited the building well after dark when most others were inside. Well, Remus still felt guilty, but he had learned to ignore it or at least keep his objections to himself in order to avoid abuse. They walked slowly, feeling absolutely no hurry to reach their destination. After all, they had the map, and according to that, there was absolutely no one in the vicinity. It was a bit nippy out, but they'd prepared themselves for worse, so they couldn't mind the cold.

Sirius leaned over, holding his wand over the parchment to get a better look at it. "What do you suppose McGonagall is doing in Dumbledore's office at this time of night?"

"I don't know," Remus said, a bit louder than he would have liked. "But please, please don't speculate."

Sirius scoffed, tossing his hair a bit. Remus was very concerned that Sirius had enough hair to toss or that he even knew how to do it as well as he did, but he kept that to himself as well. "And spare you the vomit-inducing mental image? After you tortured me with that disgusting narrative about your tryst with Peter? I think not, my good fellow. I. Think. Not."

Remus sighed pathetically. "Is there really any point in you describing it now? I've already gone over all of the scenarios in my head, and I'm sure I shall never be able to look either of them in the eye ever again."

Sirius clapped him on the back with glee. "My work here is done!"

"And yet you put in so much overtime," Remus quipped as the pair reached the Whomping Willow. It wasn't often that Remus went down to the Shrieking Shack unless it was the full moon. He knew that sometimes Sirius, James, and Peter snuck down there in order to create a racket when it wasn't a full moon so that no one would catch on to what they were up to. Remus generally avoided it if he could. The place wasn't exactly overflowing with pleasant memories.

"Tell me again why we're going to the Shrieking Shack?" Remus questioned, staring up at the ominous tree with its large branches punching at the air as if desperately battling some unseen force. "You and James went down there last Thursday. You don't really need to go again for a bit."

Sirius shrugged. "Couldn't hurt though." He readied his wand, stretching a bit and readying himself for the mad dash to the appropriate knot. "Besides, it's too risky to stay around the castle. The whole place is expecting a big prank from one of our sides soon. I think they brought Dementors in to stop us."

Sirius said this with such assuredness that Remus almost forgot that he was kidding. "Sirius, please don't joke about Dementors."

"Why not?" he asked as he flexed in a manner he thought was most impressive. "I joke about everything else."

"Really, I hadn't noticed," Remus drawled. "Normally I wouldn't mind, but it's very strange for you to be talking about those soul-sucking wraiths with those ridiculous faces you make."

"If by ridiculous, you mean devilishly handsome and utterly irresistible, we are in complete agreement."

Sirius made one more ridiculous/devilishly handsome face and then took a hilariously deep breath, puffing his chest out proudly. Then he raised his wand as if it were William Wallace's broadsword and bellowed into the night. "CHARGE!"

Remus shook his head as Sirius took off for the tree. "Why, oh why, must you always do that?"

Sirius surged forward, expertly dodging the swinging branches. Remus watched with fascination as he leapt and bounded through them. Long ago, he had made the mistake of labeling the way in which Sirius ran through the branches as having cat-like grace. He'd always known it was wrong, but he had to give it some sort of descriptor for his memoirs. He had later gone back and changed cat to dog and grace to daring idiocy surely to get him killed one day. Remus thought that was much more fitting.

Sirius did an unnecessary, but nonetheless impressive spin that rather resembled a pirouette, leapt into the air, somersaulted, and pulled out of it, reaching out his arm and tapping the knot on the tree. The branches and vines promptly calmed, allowing Sirius to pop up to his feet. He grinned at Remus much in the same way that a child grinned at his parents after jumping off the high dive the first time or showing their very first sign of magic.

Remus strode forward, patting Sirius on the head appreciatively. "Good boy. Remind me to give you a treat when we get home."

"Oh, please be steak. Please be steak. Please, please, please be steak," Sirius prayed, clasping his hands together and fidgeting a great deal.

"I was thinking more along the lines of one of Peter's shoes to chew on," Remus remarked as he slipped through the opening and into the super secret tunnel.

Sirius beamed. "Even better!" Then he followed Remus in, throwing an arm about his shoulders the second his feet hit the ground. "Could it be his penny loafers? He does so love his penny loafers."

"I was unaware Peter had an attachment to any of his shoes," Remus said, rolling up the Map and gingerly putting it in his pocket.

"Peter is attached to anything that doesn't give him a good wallop every now and then," Sirius bit out.

"Right..." Remus remarked awkwardly, floundering for a new subject to discuss. "So, ready for Quidditch practice tomorrow?"

"Always," Sirius informed him with a grin. "I have even arranged for a cheering section."

For some reason, that worried Remus. "A cheering section?"

"Yes," Sirius said, his eyes gleaming from the low light of his wand. "I have gotten together a group of girls from several houses, all of whom are desperately in love with me might I add... Not that there are any other females on the face of this great Earth, but these are particularly malleable."

"I hope at least a few of them are of legal age," Remus muttered loudly.

Sirius pressed on. "I have arranged for them to watch Quidditch practice tomorrow. They are arranging chants as we speak."

Remus raised an eyebrow. "Chants?"

"Yes, chants."

"What sort of... chants?"

"There is going to be one on each part of my anatomy," Sirius explained. "And several on my--"

"Lovely," Remus interrupted. "Why exactly are you--"

"I have also arranged for them to have several chants on James's anatomy, be that as it may," Sirius said wickedly. "As well as his odor and how it resembles a monkey's buttocks."

Remus pinched the bridge of his nose. "Sirius, tell me you didn't. I beg of you, please, please tell me that you didn't."

Sirius shrugged clapping Remus on the back and surging forward, growing bored of their leisurely pace. "You'll just have to wait and find out tomorrow, won't you?"

Remus stopped, staring after Sirius's body with its jaunty step in utter disbelief. He decided that it was best to forget about it and hope that Sirius was just trying to make him nervous.

The remainder of the walk (which wasn't very long at all) was in silence except for Sirius humming some new hit song. There were times when they had to stop as Sirius danced about to a particular part, and Remus knew better than to try and go around him for fear of being accidentally conked on the nose.

They entered the Shrieking Shack just as Sirius reached the coda. Remus glanced around a bit, taking stock of his surroundings. He wasn't used to seeing it in a normal state of mind. Usually he was just beginning his transformation, teetering somewhere between humanity and something altogether different. His vision distorted and objects bled together. Eventually, sight stopped mattering. He only smelled and sensed and tore apart, destroying anything he could make out around him as his body tried to destroy itself.

Remus shook himself from those thoughts as Sirius dragged him upstairs to the seldom seen bedroom. This was no doubt where he kept the booze.

"Is this where you bring all your conquests?" Remus asked knowingly.

Sirius's grin widened. "Only the loud ones."

"So that's how this old place got its name," Remus mused. "Here I thought it was all because of the little werewolf that could."

"Or is it the little werewolf that couldn't?" Sirius teased, flopping down onto the filthy floor in a way that was positively canine.

Remus took a seat beside him, folding his legs beneath him, and pulled out various and sundry papers that would be necessary for the formulation of their master plan.

"Right," Sirius observed, flopping over onto his stomach and staring at Remus with alarmingly sparkly eyes. "Down to business."

Remus looked at Sirius oddly, leaning back a bit. "You look... very odd. Just so you know."

"You'll get used to it."

"Uh huh," Remus muttered skeptically. "Now, just to go over the basics one more time, we've double-checked that Gryffindor Tower is going to be empty on the Saturday in question?"

"Triple-checked," Sirius assured him. "You see, I actually went up to Dumbledore's office earlier and overheard them to discuss it. Very strange pillow talk, don't you think?"

Remus shuddered violently.

"And that my dear is what I like to call even," Sirius informed him merrily. "Hit me with some more basics, Sherlock."

Remus sighed, turned back to his papers, supposing that he should be thankful he wasn't Watson. "The next part of the plan is imperative of course. We have to convince Peter that we're willing to make amends without looking too suspicious."

Sirius waved that problem off rather flippantly. "I'll handle that end of it. He'll be so busy trying not to shit himself, he won't have time to wonder why we're having them all meet us in our room at an assigned time."

Remus had to admit that Sirius had a point there. "And you don't think Lily and James will be suspicious?"

"Please, Lily will just be overjoyed that James can stop sulking all over her constantly," Sirius reasoned. "She'll be so happy, James's prankster-sense will surely fail him."

"If you say so."

"I could sing so if you want."

"Please don't. You're atrociously off-key when you're sober."

"I thought you said I was atrociously off-key when I was drunk!"

"That too."

Sirius huffed, clearly wounded to the point where he would surely shuffle off this mortal coil. "Well, if you're going to get nasty about it..."

"I apologize," Remus demurred before Sirius could go off on a very distracting tangent. Then he reached into his other pocket and pulled out a small bag. In that he found a rather tired looking quill and an unopened inkwell. He uncapped it, dipping his quill into the ink and pulling the black scraps of parchment towards him.

"What's all that?" Sirius questioned, turning his head at odd angles as if it would make sense to him if he viewed it upside down.

"Well, Sirius," Remus explained, labeling the documents with a date and title as he always did. "In case you haven't noticed, I lack your powers of improvisation."

Sirius tsked sadly, shaking his head. "I tried to pass it on to you, my son, but alas, you lacked ability. But the time for weeping has past. I have now grown to accept it, and it is but a dull ache that occasionally pounds like steel drums in my bosom."

"Since the sound of me vocally panicking when my mind inevitably goes blank would surely be detrimental to my grand master plan," Remus continued, finishing up the calligraphy on the title, which of course was, 'The Grand Master Plan.' "I have decided that it is imperative that we script this out."

Sirius groaned, his eyes no longer so sparkly. "Of course. You would figure out a way to turn this into homework."

"Hush," Remus chastised, waving his feather quill at him. "Help me come up with this. I'm sure you're better at it."

Sirius nodded, settling himself in. "I do have more experienced. I mean it's basically my incessantly versus your none."

Remus paused, the left corner of his mouth twitching. "Right."

Sirius stroked his chin thoughtfully. "Let me see... I'm sure you'll just fall to pieces if we don't include some sort of exposition to all of this."

"I will not fall to pieces," Remus insisted, although he had to admit that it would make for a better narrative structure.

"Out of the two of us, you are more expositiony," Sirius explained. "Therefore, I vote that we begin with you coming to me after years of repressing yourself and taming your urges to confess your long felt desires for my body."

Remus looked up dubiously. "I'm coming to you?"

"Well, soon you'll be coming for me, but yes, that's the gist of it."

"Why do I have to come to you?" Remus asked, choosing to ignore the utter depravity of Sirius's last statement. "Why can't you come to me?"

Sirius sighed and said, "Because Remus, if I come to you, then we're going to have to include a very long section explaining how I could have had so many good times with birds if all I ever wanted was man-flesh. That would then require me to be expositiony, and no one wants to hear that. It would also take up unnecessary time in between the proposition and the getting off, and James will never buy that I would want to talk about my feelings before taking a roll in the hay."

Remus frowned, not sure if he followed this train of logic. "But he will buy you suddenly deciding to sleep with me just because I asked you to?"

Sirius nodded. "I will be won over by your impassioned plea."

"Plea? I have to beg you now?" Remus asked.

Sirius shrugged. "It would be good for my ego."

"You're already too good to your ego," Remus informed, writing down a few things on the parchment. "I don't think I would plead with you to go to bed with me."

Sirius considered this for a moment. "Well, I suppose if you haven't done it by now..."

Remus couldn't contain the impulse to roll his eyes. "Oh, for pity's sake--"

"What do you care how it sounds anyway?" Sirius asked. "It's just a joke. It isn't like it's actually a reflection on your personality."

"I'd still prefer not to come off so girlish," Remus muttered irritably.

"You can be manly if you want."

"Not with the way you have things set up I can't."

"Fine, then how do you think it should go?" Sirius questioned.

Remus paused, mulling over this for a minute. After going all of the possible scenarios, he arrived at the only possible conclusion. "I think we should skip the exposition for the time being."

"Good man!" Sirius proclaimed. "Writing out of order! This is a triumphant day for you, Remus Lupin."

"I'll just ignore the dagger twisting in my heart," Remus informed him glibly. "Now then, what's the usual order of things for you?"

Sirius pondered this for a moment, finding it a bit more difficult than usual. "Huh. It's hard when you have to replace all the girl bits with man not-so-bits."

"Thanks for the vote of confidence," Remus remarked.

"Anytime." It was a few more minutes before Sirius finally was able to formulate something in his head. "All right, I think I have something. We will begin with, _'Oh, Remus Lupin what big hands you have!'_"

Remus, who had been prepared to actually take this down in all seriousness, was now having to try very hard not to break his quill out of frustration. "Sirius..."

"To which you will respond, _'The better to get your rocks off with, my dear.'_"

"You got into the bad crack this morning, didn't you?"

"And then you will moan sensuously--"

Remus blinked, looking up with a raised brow. "And then I will what whatily?"

"And then you will moan sensuously," Sirius repeated with a far more clinical tone than the first time he said it.

Remus stared him for a moment before shaking his head adamantly. "No."

Sirius scoffed, "Now, Remus. Don't be difficult."

"I said no," Remus reiterated with vigor.

"Do you want your grand master plan to work or not?" Sirius asked him, tapping the paper.

"Of course I want my grand master plan to work!" Remus exclaimed. "I just... I cannot... Well, I'd prefer not to... do... that. What you said. I don't want to do it... So, there."

"What is so hard about moaning?" Sirius asked incredulously.

"Well, I--"

"I mean it's not tricky at all," Sirius interrupted. "Go ahead. Try it."

Remus looked at him as if he had just sprung a second head that bore a frightening resemblance to the Headmaster. "What?"

"Moan," Sirius commanded, pointing at Remus vaguely.

"You want me to moan?" Remus queried, looking quite worried.

"Yes," Sirius said gravely. "Moan."

Remus fidgeted uncomfortably, examining a floor board with almost painful intensity. "Sirius, I am not going to moan."

Sirius sighed, putting his hands on his hips and doing a rather convincing impression of Mrs. Potter when she had caught the boys transfiguring birds into flying cheese in their second year. Of course, Remus had just been reading a book pretending that he didn't notice this clear violation of the Underage Wizard Laws, but he'd still been there to hear the lecture. "Well whyever won't you moan, Remus Lupin?"

Remus coughed, trying to muster up as much dignity as one could muster when one was participating in a conversation like this. "Because... Well, it's a rather ridiculous thing to just ask a person to do out of the blue."

"No, it isn't," Sirius scoffed. He then took a deep breath, which of course meant he was about to demonstrate just how easily. Remus tried to get out of the way, but Sirius must have anticipated this for he very suddenly threw himself at Remus, effectively pinning him to the ground.

Remus tried to heave Sirius off him, but it proved to be difficult considering he was also trying to avoid spilling the inkwell on his parchment. "Oh, for the love of-- Sirius, get off me!"

"Oh, but Remus," Sirius said breathily. "I just can't resist your bookish manliness!"

"Try," Remus begged him miserably, twisting uncomfortably beneath Sirius's body which smelled alarmingly of dog food and cologne. "Please, please try."

Sirius then took that opportunity to moan in such a way that made Remus want to wash his brain out with soap and then sterilize it with rubbing alcohol.

"You are truly a vile and disgusting human being," Remus informed him, reaching for the nearby bedpost and dragging himself out from underneath Sirius. "Never do that again."

Sirius flipped around to look at him, languishing on the floor with yet another one of those looks on his face like he was about to do something annoying. "You do realize that your saying that just makes me want to do it all the more, right?"

Remus pulled himself to his feet, brushing all of the dust that had collected itself on his body within those few terrifying seconds. "Don't anyway."

Sirius sighed testily, rolling over on to his back. "You, Remus Lupin, lack fun. It does not exist in your body, which by the way is very pointy and pokes me in very unlikely places. You were born without a funny bone, I'm sure of it."

"Don't be ridiculous," Remus said, realizing seconds later that requesting this was akin to asking the world to please stop turning just so he could have a few more hours of daylight.

"No, it's not in there," Sirius insisted. "I have never seen you accidentally knock your elbow against the table and then launch into a flurry of curses that lands you in detention."

"That could be because I don't treat hitting my elbow as if I've just been gutted and filleted with a rapier," Remus said, walking back over to retake his seat next to the unupset inkwell. He trusted that Sirius had grown bored of molesting him for the time being.

"Just think of how much better your life would be if you did treat hitting your elbow as if you'd just been gutted and filleted with a rapist," Sirius said sagely. "Reflect on that, oh funless one."

"You said rapist on purpose."

"Yes," Sirius nodded. "Yes, I did."

Remus opened his mouth to say something in response, though it was no doubt off topic of the now entirely dead subject and would most likely be about getting back on task, thereby proving that Remus Lupin's body was devoid of fun. However, instead of the intended sentence, out popped a wolf howl.

Sirius was momentarily confused. "Does that just happen when you're in here?"

"It wasn't me," Remus explained, looking over his shoulder to look out the window, the shutters opening and closing with the night winds. A moment later, another howl answered the first. The wolves of the Dark Forest were out and on the prowl.

Sirius scooted closer to Remus, looking out the window with him. "Do you know what they're saying?"

Remus shook his head. "But I can venture a guess. It's either a mating call or it's about food. I'm favoring the former above the latter."

"In the middle of winter?" Sirius asked, referring to the various scarves and things he was still bundled up in.

Remus shrugged. "We beasts have our urges too, you know."

"Liar," Sirius accused, shaking the dust out from his hair.

Remus didn't say anything for a moment, running the quill between the fingers of his left hand. He had a very curious look on his face. His jaw cracked.

"What are you thinking about?" Sirius asked, recognizing the tell-tale sign.

Remus still didn't immediately respond, once again turning his focus to the window and the moon in the night sky. Sirius didn't notice it just at that moment, but Remus was struggling with something. He wanted to tell Sirius something. Actually, he'd wanted to tell Sirius something for awhile now, but he'd never found an opportunity to do so. This seemed like as good a venue as any other. Of course, when he'd first found out, he hadn't been too thrilled to share it with anyone. But at some point, he had decided he would tell Sirius, which was really a very strange choice that made absolutely perfect sense.

It was a few more seconds before Remus said, "Have you ever heard of Fenrir Greyback?"

Sirius had to ponder the name for a minute, but he eventually hit upon the answer. "Isn't he that werewolf that travels around looking for kids to bite? Then he kidnaps them or waits for their parents to abandon them so that he can raise them in the ways of the wild?"

Remus nodded. "That's him."

Sirius continued on, completely missing the way Remus's voice had dropped in pitch and volume. "Yeah, I've heard the aunts and uncles and such talking about him before at Christmas time. Lovely dinner conversation, don't you think? They don't have a fondness for your people in general, though I can't see why. I find you quite cuddly, but who am I to understand my family's preferences. Anyway, they really don't like that Fenrir bloke. I always thought it was a bit off. They usually fall all over themselves for dastardly evildoers and nefarious types. Why do you--"

It was at that moment that Sirius took a good look at Remus and actually saw him. Everything clicked into place. He saw everything with stark clarity, so sharp and true that it made him want to look away and never open his eyes again.

"You mean... Fenrir and... You?"

Remus nodded solemnly, picking up a dust bunny from the floor and rolling it between his thumb and forefinger. "Yeah."

Sirius stared at him, unable to look away no matter what his impulses told him. "I always thought it was... you know, an accident."

"So did I," Remus explained. "My father told me about it this past summer actually. He wouldn't go into exact details, but apparently he offended Greyback in some way. I was his punishment."

Though it wasn't the first time that Sirius had ever been struck dumb in his life, it had the same emotional impact. He swallowed, trying to think of something to say. Still finding himself unable to speak, he scooted closer to Remus.

The two of them sat there for awhile in silence. It was really all Sirius could do for Remus at that point. He could ask him why he'd told him this, how old he'd been, or any number of questions to satisfy his curiosity. However, he could think of nothing that would make this better, probably because there wasn't anything. This was one of those unmendable problems Sirius never would have thought actually existed when he was younger. It was something Remus was still learning to live with. Not just being the werewolf, but the knowledge of how he became one, knowing it wasn't an accident and knowing that it had never been his fault. No doubt Remus had been left with his parents instead of stolen away just to serve as a daily reminder for his father. It must have been terrible for the Lupins every day, but there was nothing Sirius or anyone else could do to ease that pain.

All he could do was sit there, contemplate putting a hand on Remus's shoulder, but losing the nerve every time. It was always so much easier when it didn't mean anything.

"So," Remus said, clearing his throat and turning back to the parchment. "What do I do after moaning sensuously?"

Sirius looked at him for all of half a second before hopping to his feet. He stretched out the kinks in his back before saying, "Let's go back."

Remus looked up, surprised. "Why?"

He shrugged. "We're not making the proper amount of noise to make this trip worthwhile. Besides, my lungs are filling up with dust, and it will absolutely ruin my singing voice if we don't leave immediately.

After a moment, Remus smiled and gathered up his things. "If you say so, Padfoot."

"I'll sing so, if I may."

"No," Remus ordered, already on his way down the stairs.

Sirius ignored him and sung it anyway.

* * *

Coming Soon - Part Six: A Proud View


	7. Part Six: A Proud View

All Kidding Aside  
Part Six: A Proud View  
7/12  
by Kihin Ranno

Jameswas told of a rumor at dinner. It apparently had been cycling around for quite awhile, but most people had the decency not to inform him of this rumor. It concerned a certain estranged best friend of his, so they decided that the tactful thing to do was to keep the information to themselves and so that is what they did.

Even if they weren't the most considerate of human beings, many students doubted its validity, which was quite a feat given what the residents of Hogwarts were willing buy into. They had once sworn that there was some validity in the idea that there was a torrid, often tragic affair going on between Professor Slughorn and the Giant Squid. The current gossip was much tamer in that regard, yet too fantastic to believe in another. Thus, they said nothing to James.

While most people possessed the social grace and powers of reasoning to do this, Peter was severely lacking in those areas. Not that he meant to be rude, but even he admitted that he was not the brightest sort. In fact, Peter probably thought he was being helpful.

He sprinted through the open doors of the Great Hall as fast as his shorter than average legs could carry him. He had some trouble making around a few Hufflepuff girls who had insisted upon stopping for a very important conversation directly in the path of where people were attempting to walk, or in Peter's case, run. He came screeching to a halt directly in front of James and Lily, taking both of them by surprise. Peter was redder than the hide of a dragon in James's favorite children's story, panting in a manner that displayed that the Marauders were clearly getting too good at the prank-playing business. Peter obviously hadn't been made to run for his life in quite awhile.

Anyway, Lily instantly became something of a doting mother, getting to her feet and fretting over Peter in a manner that would have made James very jealous if he had been an irrational man. As it was, he was only a slightly irrational man; thus, he was only slightly jealous when Lily had dabbed Peter's forehead with a napkin and practically spoon-fed him water. James merely felt a twinge of longing to tear Lily away from Peter, carry her up the stairs to his room in Gryffindor Tower, and take her in a mad fit of envious passion so that she'd never think of laying eyes on Peter Pettigrew again.

Thankfully, he suppressed that instinct.

"It's Sirius," Peter panted, interrupting James's highly inappropriate fantasy in the worst way imaginable.

James was now in a fouler mood than he had been in all day, and he very much wanted to hit Peter with a large spoon because of it. The trio had formed an unspoken rule some time ago, one that Peter had to be continually reminded of (a fact that, as Lily liked to point out, really didn't make it unspoken anymore, but James continued to think of it as such because it just sounded better that way). It was a very simple rule, but after years of being conditioned to ignore such rules, James supposed it was difficult to get him to suddenly switch back. Nevertheless, it had been made painfully clear that Sirius's name was not to be mentioned in James's presence. This did not stop Peter from mentioning him every time there was a lull in conversation, as if Sirius had managed to consume their lives so much that he demanded to be spoken about even when he wasn't actually speaking to them. James was very frightened that this was the case, and he found himself telling Peter to shut up much more than usual.

None of them really mentioned Remus much, but if they had, James suspected that he wouldn't have had nearly as strong a reaction to it. After all, it was no secret that Sirius and James had been the closest from the moment they met, as they hadn't been forced to do anything annoying like convince each other that detention really wasn't such a very bad thing. They had sat up all night convincing Remus of this, and James had been very cross with him the next day in between yawning.

James also found it very hard to feel any sort of animosity towards the werewolf. Remus may have actually been a very deadly animal who could break his bones with about the same effort it took him to rip a piece of paper, but in a strange way, James felt that it would have been like holding a grudge against a puppy for barking outside his door because he wanted to snuggle. It was annoying, but the damn dog was too sweet to resist and always got his way.

It was then that James was momentarily overtaken by the image of snuggling with Remus Lupin and choked slightly. To counteract the unpleasantness of that image, he hooked an arm around Lily's waist and drew her closer to him.

Lily had such a wonderful waist.

Lily asked Peter for clarification, sensing that James would have preferred to be experiencing a painful medical procedure than acknowledge Sirius's continued existence in the world. "What about Sirius, Peter?" she asked kindly, stroking James's hair reassuringly.

Lily had such wonderful fingers.

"He's planning something for tomorrow!" Peter gasped excitedly, his eyes darting wildly between James and Lily. He didn't quite know which one of them he should be looking at.

James raised an eyebrow, now pulled into the conversation whether he liked it or not. "At Quidditch practice you mean?"

Unfortunately, James had booked the pitch for the following afternoon before he and Sirius had gotten into their row. There was no way he was going to give up perfectly good practice time just because it happened to be Sirius's time of the month, so he hadn't canceled. Still, the potential awkwardness of the situation was not lost on him. The thought that Sirius was planning some sort of revenge for the next day increased that potential one hundred fold.

Of course, it was James's own damn fault for not seeing it coming.

Peter nodded in earnest. "No one's completely up on the details," Peter explained, sounding rather proud of himself that he was being helpful. "But I have heard that he's arranged for a cheering section."

Lily blinked several times in rapid succession. She had a habit of doing that. James thought it was a rather wonderful habit. "A cheering section? What does that have to do with--"

"He's going to make up rhymes about me," James muttered miserably, stabbing at his vegetables with more ferocity than he usually did. "He's going to make up rhymes about me like we used to do for the other Quidditch teams."

Lily was then at once understanding and sympathetic to her boyfriend whom she often said she loved very, very much. Peter vanished from her worldview (a fact that made James very happy indeed), and she became absorbed with tending to the correct man in her life. She wrapped her wonderful, pale arms with their wonderful little red freckles around his neck. He felt her looking at him intently even after he closed his eyes, silently accepting the impending end to everything he had ever known to be real. A moment later, he felt the weight of her forehead on his own.

"James, it's just a rumor," Lily reminded him. "And probably not a very likely one if we haven't heard about it until now. You know that if Sirius were planning this, he would have started days ago."

"Actually, he wouldn't have," James muttered. "Sirius has this incredibly irritating habit of being able to throw a plot together within hours. Particularly the sort of prank that involves getting large groups of people involved... It's maddening."

Peter sounded sad. "You used to like it."

"Well, he used to like me."

Lily didn't say anything for a moment, but James could sense the shock registering on her face. Her elbows locked, tensing slightly around his drooping neck. Her breath grew louder as her mouth opened, gaping at him in pitying disbelief. Finally, the weight against his forehead disappeared. She must have glanced over at Remus and Sirius, no doubt watching them as they chatted and laughed at the head of the Gryffindor table. They had made that their own little spot. There was always a good few feet between them and the rest of the house, and James found this very funny in a depressing sort of way because he was the one who felt isolated.

"It's just a rumor," she repeated slowly, trying to build up his confidence. "Besides, I... I don't think he'd do that."

James laughed. It wasn't the slightest bit mirthful. "If you think that highly of him, you obviously don't know him very well."

Unfortunately for all of them, James was right.

-----

"SIRIUS, HE CAN'T BE BEAT! HE'LL WIPE POTTER ON THE STREET!"

James longed for a shotgun. Lily's father had shown James his shotgun when they'd all met over the Christmas holidays, and James had been utterly terrified of both the man and his weapon at the time. He now saw the practical uses in owning a shotgun and very much wanted one.

"I will say this one final time," James ground out, his eyes narrowed so much that he was beginning to give himself a headache. "This is a closed practice. All of the practices are closed. You are not allowed to be here!"

"JAMES POTTER'S NOT OUR MAN! HE CAN'T DO IT, BUT SIRIUS CAN!"

James still wanted that shotgun, but perhaps he'd prefer to use it to commit suicide.

Oliver Howell flew down from the stands, landing next to James Potter on the pitch. He still had a few bandages on him from the scuffle James and Sirius had gotten into earlier in the week, but Oliver was a very forgiving soul who was doing his best to clear the area so that they could practice. "Sorry, mate. They won't budge no matter what I do. They know we won't hex them."

James glanced back up at the stands to look at the twelve girls who had assembled at Sirius's behest. Or so he assumed. Of course, Sirius flatly denied this accusation, but James had recognized his friend's expression and tone of voice. He acted too innocent, and that was a sure sign that he had arranged it. He wanted James to know that, but there was no way in hell that he would admit it and land himself in detention.

"Yes, and I've threatened to take points away from them at least ten times now," James sighed.

"And Lily's actually done it," Oliver observed wryly.

James nodded. It was the truth. He may have been Head Boy, but he'd never really gotten the hang of taking points away from anyone. He found it incredibly hypocritical. Unless of course, it was a Slytherin. Then he was more than happy to play disciplinarian.

"You know, Lily is always talking to me about equal opportunity," James mused. "It would certainly be equal opportunity for me to punch all of them in the face. That's what I'd do if they were men."

Oliver clapped him on the shoulder. "I very much doubt that that was her intention when she told you that."

"Yeah..." James admitted. "But it sure would be nice to use that as justification."

Oliver glanced back up in the stands as the girls huddled together to come up with some more derogatory chants. Or, as James suspected, glance at the very long piece of parchment Sirius had given to them to pick which would be most appropriate to use next. Oliver's eyes scanned the bleachers until they came to rest on a boy who was always at their practices in spite of the policy. Of course, he was usually sitting with Peter and Lily.

"Remus is here, huh?" Oliver observed, tightening some of his protective gear.

James nodded, his jaw tensing. "Yeah. I guess he is."

Oliver shook his head in disbelief. "He must really like Sirius."

James coughed loudly, but Oliver didn't seem to notice.

"I know how much he hates Quidditch," Oliver said with a nod, as if this was privileged information. In fact, everyone knew about Remus's feelings about Quidditch, as he had a tendency to say very negative things about it when he was inebriated. "I always thought he just came to with Lily and Peter to pass the time."

Rather than respond, James spun on his heel and stalked to the middle of the pitch where the rest of his team was waiting. They were all talking in very hushed voices, casting looks over at Sirius, who had been buffing his nails to illustrate how disinterested he was for over twenty minutes now.

James very much wanted to hit his best friend with that same shotgun in his fantasy. Oh, how sweet that would be.

"Well," James began wearily, waiting until Oliver had finished the short jog to catch up with his captain. "It seems that the... cheering section refuses to budge. So, we're just going to have to practice with the distraction."

None of the players seemed particularly thrilled about this. Not that they hadn't played in far worse conditions, but then at least they had the overwhelming bloodlust for victory to hold their attention. Now their only motivation was to make James stop blowing the whistle he had grown so found of.

"I'm sorry about this, but it wasn't my idea." James glared at Sirius without the slightest hint of discretion. "That would be one of Sirius Black's brilliant plans."

Sirius looked up, and James could swear the boy had somehow managed to produce an angelic light to emanate from his body. "Who? Me?"

The cheering section had started up again.

"BLACK IS BACK! BLACK IS BACK! JUST STICK POTTER IN THE SHRIEKING SHACK!"

James shrugged casually. "The thought had crossed my mind."

Sirius continued to feign innocence. "Now, James, I really am wounded. What makes you think I'd be capable of doing such a thing?"

"BLACK'S THE ONLY MAN I NEED! POTTER'S SMALLER THAN A WEED!"

James heard a female squawk coming from the stands, followed by the sounds of Lily and Peter arguing about whether or not it would be prudent to give students negative points. Or rather, he heard Lily yelling about it and Peter offering up an ineffectual squeak every now and again.

James sighed, narrowing his gaze. "Sirius, why can't you just admit that you did it? We all know it was you. Surprisingly enough, you can't get in trouble just for being a complete jackass."

This seemed to cross Sirius's boundary. He refused to continue with the meeting anymore and straddled his broom, kicking off into the air. James very much wanted to continue the conversation, beating the truth out of him if necessary, but it didn't matter. He knew Sirius had done it. There was no sense in bringing up the subject of truth in front of him again. Not unless James wanted to have his teeth kicked in.

So it was with an extremely unpleasant disposition that James Potter also kicked off, soaring into the air, blowing his whistle to signal the beginning of practice. The rest of his team soon followed, each hoping that the mysterious issue between the Marauders would be solved quickly.

"BLACK ATTACK! BLACK ATTACK! PUT JAMES POTTER ON THE RACK!"

And that the girls would shut the hell up.

James took a deep breath, willing away the impending migraine. "All right everyone! Listen up! We're playing Ravenclaw next week, and you know that their strength has always been their game plans. That means we need to play into our strengths. Our speed..." he paused, taking time to audibly swallow his pride. "And our Beaters."

The Gryffindor Quidditch team had been known for their Beaters ever since Sirius and Oliver had earned the positions in their Third Year. Both boys had always had a strong arm, but that was only a portion of their talent. Oliver had a lot to live up to. His family was made up of nothing but rabid Quidditch fans and players. He had three brothers, and they had all excelled in the other positions - Chaser, Keeper, and Seeker respectively. Oliver was the youngest and had gone into the very first tryout with a hunger to succeed.

Sirius was, as always, a bit more complicated. Lily had once observed that she thought his playing was very much like venting. It was as if he could project all of his rage into every swing. His issues with his family, his occasional issues with his girlfriends, and every other minor irritation or huge grievance were released on the Quidditch Pitch. Unfortunately for the other teams, Sirius Black had quite a temper.

James finally brought himself to look at Sirius and Oliver. The latter appeared proud of himself, though not in a way that made James want to throw something at him... and Sirius waved to his fans, flexing obnoxiously.

"WE LOVE YOU, SIRIUS!"

"WHACK 'EM GOOD!"

"OWL ME!"

"Kill me," James muttered. "Just kill me."

"Did you say something, James?" Sirius called down to him, batting his eyelashes winningly.

"No," James denied, steering his broom in the opposite direction. "All right, we're going to run drills. I want the Chasers to practice tossing around the Quaffle while the Beaters hit the Bludgers about. The rest of you grab a bat and join in. Make it interesting."

James had scarcely finished his sentence before he took off, zipping into the air with the Quaffle tucked under his arm. The Bludgers were already going, but James wasn't worried about that. He dodged and weaved through them expertly, tossing the Quaffle back and forth with his fellow Chasers casually. It was second nature to him by now. James was beginning to think that all of these practices were just a formality. Surely nothing could beat his band of Chasers and the bloodthirsty Beaters.

Speed was one of the most important assets a good Chaser could have, and James Potter had it in spades. He'd always had it. James had first picked up a broom at the age of five and gone flying through the house. He hadn't had very good control of the broom, but he was certainly fast. He'd managed to destroy quite a few expensive knickknacks in the thirty seconds it had taken his father to stop him. His mother had yelled and sent him to his room, but his father had beamed with pride and said that they had a future Quidditch star in their home. James had hoped this would spare him punishment, but he still got sent to his room and received no dessert that evening.

Ever since then, James had loved flying. He loved soaring above everything else, and the glorious feeling of power, of omnipotence. James felt he was master of the winds, a god of the air when he flew. It was exhilarating. Intoxicating. He felt drunk on oxygen, inhaling the wind as it was shoved down his throat and fighting against it to exhale. Flying was glory. Flying was magic. Flying was power. Up in the sky, James was bigger than everything. James was everything. And up there, nothing could touch him.

Then he heard the familiar whistle of the Bludger. James craned his head over his shoulder to see it coming. His eyes widened when he saw the speed at which it was heading for him. Whichever Beater had hit it (and he had a sinking suspicion that he knew which one it was) had clearly forgotten that the entire purpose of drills was to not decapitate the Chasers.

James quickly jerked his broom up to avoid it, and the Bludger just barely missed clipping his shoulder. With the force the Bludger had been traveling at, even a light tap might have wound up knocking James off his broom ass over teacups. This would have been painful on a multitude of levels, though none so painful as his pride.

He continued to follow its path with his eyes, noting how Oliver dove for it in haste, a quizzical look on his face. However, before Oliver could reach the Bludger to bat it back, Sirius appeared just about out of nowhere. It was fast enough to make James briefly wonder if the boy had managed to Apparate mid-air (which would have been so typical considering how dangerous it was to do and the fact that Sirius's license had been revoked until that summer), but James didn't have much time to muse about Sirius's level of lawlessness. This was mostly due to the fact that it was Sirius who hit the Bludger back, possibly with even more strength behind it than the last one.

James froze for almost half a second, enough for the Bludger to get dangerously close to hitting him square in the face. Luckily, he came to his senses quickly enough to swerve out of the way before his good looks were ruined for all eternity. James stared after the Bludger, finding himself gaping at the speed and power it possessed. He couldn't think of a time when Sirius had hit the Bludger that hard in the midst of a game.

He turned back to stare at Sirius, shocked at the strength and depth of his fury.

"Sorry mate," Sirius called out, his voice just a bit too genial to be sincere. "Didn't see you there."

James didn't respond for a moment, hovering silently in the air. He could feel the muscles in his back tighten and his fingers tighten around the handle of his broom. His eyes narrowed and his jaw clenched painfully. He puffed out his chest and decided that if that was the way Sirius wanted to do things, then that was the way he was going to do it.

"Right," James ground out before lifting up into the air to continue on with the drills."

"IT'S ALL RIGHT, SIRIUS!"

"YOU'LL GET HIM NEXT TIME!"

"BLOODY HIS NOSE A BIT FOR ME, SIRIUS!"

"Oh, sod off," James swore beneath his breath, soaring into the steady stream of Bludgers the rest of his teammates were still hitting back and forth.

James watched out of the corner of his eyes as Oliver and Sirius rejoined the group, livening up the drill a bit. Sirius continued to hit the Bludgers harder than he should have, and they always seemed to head in James's direction. Nevertheless, James wasn't the Captain of the team for nothing, and now that he knew what to expect, he wasn't about to be shot down. He zipped through those obstacles as if his very life depended on it, but it was pride that was on the line in this game. His pride and his reputation, both of which he had spent the past seven years building at this school. James was not about to let Sirius's fits do anything to ruin that.

James continued normally for some time, but on his fourth pass through the storm of Bludgers, he purposefully veered left too sharply. This sent him careening into Sirius, carrying them both a fair number of feet through the air. The drill once again came to a halt as Sirius was nearly knocked off his broom, gripping the wood with such intensity that James thought it might break apart in his hands. James wouldn't pretend that he'd been hoping for that as that would have meant that Sirius would fall anyway.

It was Sirius's turn to stare, all wild blue eyes and nostrils flaring like a bull staring at a red cloth. The cheering section had at long last fallen into dead silence as they waited for the inevitable retribution. But for the moment, all Sirius would or perhaps could do was scowl, all shock and fury.

"Sorry, mate," James repeated casually. "Didn't see you there."

For Sirius, that was the call to arms. Sirius snarled in a manner that would have betrayed his canine nature to anyone who was looking for it and drew his arm back, prepared to punch the smirk right off James Potter's face. James was ready for this reaction and was already beginning to swerve around to smack Sirius upside the head with his broomstick. Neither of the boys was sure if it was fortunate or unfortunate that the rest of their teammates swooped in to pull the pair apart before things got ugly. Both of them struggled to get free, shouting back and forth at each other.

"Didn't see me, my arse!" Sirius snarled. "You nearly knocked me to the ground, you git!"

James laughed darkly and countered, "And that Bludger hit that nearly put me in a coma was just you underestimating your strength. Is that it?"

Sirius appeared affronted even in his rage. "Are you suggesting that I--"

"Oh, don't go and get all dramatic! A blind bat could have pieced together what you were doing!" James shouted. "Don't treat me like I'm dull, Sirius! I am the Head Boy."

Sirius rolled his eyes in a grand gesture of just how difficult it was to be him and said, "Yes, James. I know. Everyone knows. Even that deaf badger--"

"Blind bat," James corrected.

"--knows that you're Head Boy," Sirius continued, seeming to not have noticed James's interjection. "That probably has something to do with the fact that you never shut up about it!"

James laughed again, now finding this accusation utterly hysterical. "Are suggesting that I go on about myself? HOW! You never give anyone else enough time to say anything. I swear, if I have to hear about your perfect freaking hair one more time--"

"I do **not** go on about my hair!" Sirius insisted. "My hair speaks for itself!"

This continued back and forth, teetering more and more on the brink of obscenity before the rest of the Quidditch team struggled to wrestle the pair to the ground. This proved to be quite a task as they had to keep the two from leaping upon each other mid-air. The insults began to get more and more redundant as they reached the Earth, and Sirius's cheering section eventually got bored and took their leave as a unit, for that was how they had been designed to function. Once Sirius and James were planted on the ground, Peter, Lily, and Remus were the only bystanders left. They were on the field, prepared to do whatever was necessary to prevent one of them from murdering the other.

"Why in the name of heaven do you insist on making everything about you!" James seethed, still attempting to dislodge himself from about three pairs of arms. "I would have liked for Quidditch practice to have been neutral territory."

"Yes, because God forbid anything interfere with your precious Quidditch," Sirius retorted. "I swear, all those times I hear you panting from your bed, you're fantasizing about riding a broomstick in a very different manner than you can do in public."

That time, James did almost manage to pull away from his captors. James stood just a few inches away from strangling Sirius, panting in a manner that he would have found quite comical if he wasn't him. A few moments later, he finally thought of something.

This was the first time Sirius had actually spoken to him in days. This was probably the only chance James would have in a long while to talk some sense into Sirius and figure out what he could do to fix the mess he had caused. So, James forced himself to take a deep breath and relax. He shut his eyes, willing himself to be calm enough to get rid of anyone he'd rather not be within earshot. It was not long before James had cooled off considerably, at least on the surface, and it was enough to convince his teammates to let go of him. With James placated, Sirius realized that it was rather ridiculous of him to remain in his temper, if only because he knew his raving look was not the most flattering.

"All right," James said, once he and Sirius had disentangled themselves from the multiple sets of arms. He sighed and said, "Well, there's obviously no point in continuing practice today. The rest of you can go."

James didn't say it, but the way he held unblinking eye contact with Sirius was message enough for even the dullest of them. Sirius was to stay behind.

Soon, it was just James, Lily, and Peter facing Remus and Sirius. The same group that had begun this great comical tragedy, the line now clearly divided between them. James swallowed painfully, and hoped that the good times with Sirius could now only be categorized as distant memories and dim recollections.

"Okay," James said after what felt like an eternity of silence. "Okay." He ran a hand down his face and said, "Sirius, we have to do something about this."

"You know how I have a fondness for that cracked mirror in your house because I think it makes your eyes look farther apart?" Sirius asked in his usual manner of coming up with metaphors that made sense in a vague way. "I see our relationship like that. Better broken and at a distance."

James sighed. "But we're not at a distance, Sirius. We're sharing a room, we're on the same teams, and we're in the same House. There is no such thing as avoiding each other, and clearly ignoring each other isn't working either."

Sirius pouted, stamping his foot. "But I was doing it so theatrically!"

James narrowed his eyes. "Sirius, you brush your teeth theatrically. Don't change the subject."

"Are you saying that I don't floss theatrically?" Sirius asked, now clearly looking for an excuse to get mad at James again. James was making sense, and Sirius did not want for things to wrap up nicely and all to be forgiven. He wanted to hold on to his grudge and drag it out until it became such an epic feud that people would say, "Montagues and Capulets? Never heard of them."

James was aware of this, and because of that knowledge, he tried very hard not to rip Sirius's head off. Nevertheless, a vein was beginning to bulge out on the side of his neck from repressed anger, and he found the feeling highly unpleasant. "Sirius, you don't floss at all. Now stop trying to--"

"Are you saying that I have ugly teeth, Potter?" Sirius asked. "Because if you are, I think I'm going to have to hit you again."

Sirius started to move forward, but Remus caught his arm before anything could be done. Even Remus seemed exasperated by Sirius's behavior, saying, "Sirius, don't look for excuses to hit him."

"You're right," Sirius decided. "I don't need an excuse." He tried to jump forward again, but try as he might to deny it, Remus would always be stronger than him.

James shook his head and yelled, "Why do you have to be so stubborn? Can't you tell that I'm sorry about this whole mess?"

"Henry was probably sorry after he cut Anne Boleyn's head off, but it doesn't change the fact that he killed her," Sirius snapped, acting as if this were somehow an appropriate comparison.

James sputtered for a moment before forcing out, "That doesn't even make sense! I didn't kill you!"

"What makes you so sure I'm not dead on the inside!" Sirius raged, his voice echoing across the pitch.

"You're awfully loud for a corpse," Peter mumbled as quietly as he could to avoid any rage being redirected at him.

Sirius heard him anyway and actually barked, making Peter jump. He felt an inclination to make the all too obvious joke about Sirius being barking mad, but he very wisely held his tongue.

Lily looked between the boys and held up her hands before any of them could start yelling again. "Listen, I really am very sorry about starting this whole mess, but I never wanted--"

"It doesn't really matter what you wanted, Lily, now, does it?" Sirius asked cruelly. "All that counts is that we're at war because you just _had_ to know what Remus and I get up to in bed!" He turned back to James and snapped, "Though really, I do blame you. Just so we're clear."

"Oh, it has always been very clear," James said tiredly, looking as if he was quite ready for this conversation to be over. "It's all my fault. And I have apologized, but you're the one who keeps dragging it out!"

"Maybe I don't think you deserve to be forgiven," Sirius reasoned.

James found himself wondering at the difference between his sanity and the sanity of the rest of the world and why they two could never seem to match up no matter how hard he tried. "When will you give it up? It was an insult! A damn stupid one, but it was just words! And so help me, if you start on a speech about how words launched the armies that brought about The Crusades or some other rubbish, I will kill you seven times before you hit the ground!"

"You couldn't kill me once when I was on the ground!" Sirius countered, completely missing or ignoring the points that James had brought up.

James threw up his hands, now thoroughly fed up. "That's it. Forget it. I'm done with this bullshit." That decided, he turned and headed away, prepared to get drunk or get laid or do whatever else he had to do to make himself forget that any of this was actually happening. Lily and Peter quickly followed him, sending fervent glances over their shoulders in Remus's direction, each silently asking Remus to talk some sense into Sirius.

"Don't bother," James snapped, sensing what they were doing. "There's no sense left in either of them."

-----

The pair left behind stood awkwardly on the pitch in silence as Remus refused to take his hand off Sirius's arm on the off chance that Sirius would take off after James. He only moved once he could reasonably assume that James was safe inside Hogwarts. Then the two began to walk away from the scene in slightly uncomfortable silence, each unsure of what to say after that confrontation. Unsurprisingly, it was Remus who eventually broke the silence.

"Well, that was an interesting display," Remus said in a voice that would have been snippy from just about anyone else. However, this was Remus, so it sounded typically neutral and lacking in any judgment whatsoever. As if to soften that even more, he pulled out a chocolate bar, broke off a chunk and handed it to Sirius. "Have a bit?"

Sirius took it, his dirty fingers taking hold of it roughly. It was flattened instantly between his strength and crackling warmth, melting a little before he managed to pop it into his mouth. "Thanks," he responded brusquely. He didn't quite look up, not meeting Remus's eyes. He shuffled a bit, something which was rather uncharacteristic for Sirius. If he was going to shuffle, he was going to do a full out tap routine in a pink and green can-can outfit.

Remus took a bit for himself, chewing and eyeing Sirius thoughtfully. After a moment he said, "Do you want to talk about it?"

Sirius wasn't quite sure how to answer that. He shoved his hands into his pockets and walked a bit more deliberately, as if realizing that he was dangerously close to acting unintentionally, something he never enjoyed. Remus followed seamlessly, matching him step for step.

When Sirius didn't immediately respond, Remus took another moment to think before speaking again. "I know you're still angry with him, Sirius."

"Damn right I am," Sirius muttered, not at all surprised at just how intensely he still felt that.

Remus didn't appear to be either. "Sirius, James was wrong. We both know that. I think even James knows that by now."

"And look at how quickly he ran up to apologize for it," Sirius chorused, throwing his hands up.

"He said he was sorry," Remus pointed out. "Several times actually."

Sirius shook his head. "No. He didn't. You see, Remus, I'm not sure if you've noticed this, but James doesn't apologize for things he's done. He apologizes around them by saying rubbish like, "I'm sorry that you feel that way," or "I'm sorry about this mess," or "I never meant to scar your child for life by giving him webbed feet"  
But he never actually says that he's sorry for something that he's done, and that is because James lacks that ability. He's sorry that I'm trying to rip his head off,  
but he's not sorry for what he said."

Remus reflected on the observation, surprised that Sirius had analyzed it that much. Then again, Remus supposed he shouldn't have been surprised. He had a knack for looking at people and discerning their weaknesses so that he could arm them more thoroughly when backed into a corner. It would only make sense that he did this for everyone, even for his best friend.

Before Remus could wonder about what Sirius saw in him, he shrugged and said, "He was probably afraid you'd refuse and throw things at him if he did. I somehow doubt that you would have behaved any differently if he had really apologized. You do have a tendency to hold a grudge."

"Thank you for the unnecessary and unwanted analyzation of my character," Sirius said testily, his eyes flickering over to Remus in warning. "This isn't a bloody book you know."

Remus knew the look and the tone well enough, so Remus hunched his shoulders and returned to his chocolate for a moment. The pair walked in silence for a moment until Sirius actually looked over at Remus and saw the curve his spine and how lidded his eyes were. Remus had the look of a puppy who had been scolded. And much like a puppy, he would be instantly forgiving when Sirius had the good sense to apologize for snapping.

Sirius almost thought about that time, that time when Remus hadn't forgiven him, but he shoved the memory down. That was betrayal, and Sirius Black was no traitor.

The taller boy sighed and grabbed a chunk of chocolate off the top of Remus's bar. He popped it in his mouth and chewed it as if James Potter's head had somehow wound up in him mouth - viciously and with great pleasure.

"You even chew like you're auditioning for Laurence Olivier," Remus said in a voice that would have been disbelief a few years earlier. "Everything is a dramatic overture. Heaven forbid that Sirius Black act like a common groundling."

"I would have no reservations about being the groundling that assassinated King James," Sirius voiced, narrowing his eyes as if he was picturing it in his mind.

Remus put on his teacher-voice in response. "Sirius, a groundling didn't assassinate King James. He died of tertian ague."

"If you can make up words, I can pretend to assassinate King James," Sirius insisted. "And in case you didn't notice, King James is a thinly veiled reference to James Potter, Head Boy and Ruler of Free Prats."

"Yes, I had gathered that," Remus said, nodding his head in a way that Sirius thought was patronizing. He took another bite of his chocolate bar, leaving only one bite left that he appeared to be attempting to hide from Sirius in case he got any ideas.

Sirius glanced down at the chocolate and then back up at Remus. "Why didn't you let me hit him?"

"Because," Remus began with such resolution that Sirius almost thought he was going to be obnoxious and leave it there. "If you want our plan to work, you have to actually make it look like you at some point plan on forgiving James. If I had let you beat him into a coma, I'm not so sure that we would be believable come Saturday."

Sirius nodded. "Good thinking, oh wise Moony-Doony."

Remus wrinkled his nose. "Sirius, you can't say that I'm clever and then call me 'Moony-Doony.' It defies logic."

Sirius waved his hand dismissively. "Logic... A meaningless detail that is of no use to me."

"You do realize that saying that is akin to making a joke that you've had sex with my mum," Remus said dryly.

"And a fine time she was!" Sirius shouted, winking in a manner that made Remus feel slightly nauseous.

"Why must you make me think of things like that?" Remus moaned, clutching his stomach with one hand and his precious candy bar in another.

Sirius scoffed. "You and your thinking. You know, that's why you're going to make absolutely no money out there in the real world, Moony," Sirius informed him very solemnly. "Because you're an intellectual, and intellectuals always think they're preserving they're intelligence by taking a low-paying job like professor or a librarian or something and spend all of their money on books and tea. That is what your life is going to be like. You will wear tweed and drink lots of tea and never ever do anything kinky or exciting at all because you won't be able to afford it."

Remus nodded. "You're right. I should throw myself off the Astronomy Tower straight away. If only I didn't have such trouble with heights, it would be the perfect way to commit suicide."

Sirius shook his head. "No, you'll enjoy being poor and boring. You're that sort. You'll never be so happy as when you skip a meal so that you can afford some dusty first edition of such and such a book. You'll probably get that same look on your face that you do when you eat chocolate."

"What sort of look is that?"

"Like an incidental orgasm," Sirius said very soberly, making Remus choke a bit when he inhaled. "It isn't exceptionally great because it's rather familiar, but you still get all pant-y."

Remus looked offended. "I do not get pant-y about books."

"You have an unnatural affection for them," Sirius insisted. "I am going to contend straight away that you never ever have children ever because you will forget to feed them."

"I would not forget--" Remus began, slightly insulted.

"No, you really would," Sirius maintained. "You will be too busy organizing your books and stroking them inappropriately and whatever else it is you do when we leave you alone in the library."

"Like reading?" Remus queried.

Sirius nodded. "Yes, you crazy man. Anyway, I can just picture them now, all emaciated and wearing the remnants of potato sacks. They'll up at you pathetically and they will tug at your tweed and say…" Here Sirius trailed off in order to widen his eyes into a look that he thought made him look very innocent and pitiable. Remus thought it just made him look frightening and attempted to look away, but the voice Sirius began to use demanded his attention. "Daddy! Daddy! We are ever so hungry! Please bring home food with you instead of that Dickens book you've been salivating over!"

"Because so many starving children use the word salivating," Remus muttered.

Sirius ignored him and pressed on. "But you won't feed them because you've got a hard on for Dickens. And if that's not the best double entendre I've ever made, then **I'll** jump off the Astronomy Tower."

"Your child voice is awfully girly, you know," Remus observed.

"It is not!" Sirius gasped, feigning at clutching a strand of nonexistent pearls. "My child voice is very, very manly." He then reached over and plucked the remnants of Remus's slightly melted chocolate from his hand while he was too insulted over Sirius's depiction of his future to react. He then popped it into his mouth, looking very smug.

Remus blinked very seriously. "You know I had just bitten off that chocolate bar, right?"

Sirius hopped up and down a little. Several other people looked disturbed by this, but Remus took it in stride. "Oh, our first indirect kiss! I must remember and cherish this day forever and ever! Of course, we'll both have to because you have to marry me now."

"Do I?" Remus questioned, smiling wryly.

Sirius nodded very gravely. "Yes. It's family law. If a boy kisses me through some edible object, we are instantly betrothed. Way to a Black is through his stomach and all that."

"I don't remember that in the your list of ways to guarantee sex with Sirius Black," Remus said.

Sirius rolled his eyes at Remus as if he had just muddled some basic concept from first year Charms class. "Moony, I said that you had to marry me now. Not have sex. Married people don't have sex. Silly, silly Moony."

"Where do the kids come from then?"

Sirius pointed to the ground. "Hell, of course. How else would you explain the horrors their arrival brings? The governess didn't sleep for months after Reggie was born. Eventually we had to put her down. It was a shame. She had a nice pair of--"

"Here I thought it had something to do with sex," Remus interrupted as they were passing two young Gryffindors. Although they still jumped at his sentence, and Remus realized that it probably would have been better if he had just let Sirius go on. "However was I mislead?"

"It's those backwards books you lust after," Sirius said sagely. "What are they teaching you?"

Remus could do nothing but shrug, smiling a bit to himself in a way that Sirius would ask him about, but Remus kept that information quiet. True, he had lost his chocolate and that was a loss that had been mourned already. But he couldn't help but feel triumphant that he'd managed to get Sirius's mind off of homicidal acts against James Potter. Remus would do just about anything it took to keep Sirius from strangling the other boy, even if it meant hexing him into a tizzy.

After all, how could Sirius have his revenge if James was dead?

Coming Soon - Part Seven: Truth Is a Whisper


	8. Part Seven: Truth Is a Whisper

All Kidding Aside  
Part Seven: Truth Is a Whisper  
8/12  
by Kihin Ranno

Sirius and Remus had agreed to meet the following day in order to put the finishing touches on the script. Remus had insisted on going to the library, on some ridiculous premise that Sirius hadn't been listening to because he had been far too busy rejecting the idea. Eventually, he had run out of pithy things to say (as Remus was beginning to get irritatingly willful, something that Sirius had to beat out of him just as soon as this prank was over and done with). Therefore, Remus had won the argument by that default and by the default that Sirius could not think of any other place that James and Peter would avoid and Lily would be too preoccupied with other things like studying (a novel concept for a library) to bother them.

So there Sirius was, walking into a library that he avoided only for the purposes of playing a prank. There had been one gem he and James had conducted in which they charmed all of the books to fall off the shelves at exactly the same time. It had been glorious. They'd had detention for a week, putting all of the books back by hand. But it had all been worth it for the look on Remus's face when he realized some of the spines may have been damaged.

Sirius was almost wistful for the good old days when he hadn't hated James. He sighed loudly, prompting several shushes from a few Ravenclaws who would no doubt study themselves into madness. Sirius made a generic rude gesture that either encompassed the room or humanity and pressed on.

He finally found Remus in the back of the library, the dusty part that everyone avoided because it was dusty. His nose was buried in a book, perhaps to keep from inhaling the actual air and sneezing his skull out through his nose.

Sirius glared and moved over to Remus, glaring at him just inches away from his face. Remus didn't acknowledge him until he said, "You're reading, aren't you?"

"Actually, I was coming up with a grand scheme for world domination while pretending to be reading," Remus quipped, his eyes still scanning the pages.  
"However, you interrupted me while I was the verge of breakthrough. And to think, I was going to share my spoils with you."

"I would take the naked women, and you would take the chocolate factories?" Sirius asked knowingly, throwing himself into a nearby chair.

"I was also going to give you the chew toys," Remus said with a shrug. "Although, I would have thought the naked women would have sufficed."

Sirius shrugged. "You've seen one, you've seen them all really."

Remus looked him, his attention finally fully on Sirius. "Have you actually managed to become jaded towards nudity? And the nudity of females no less?" Remus looked a little pale. "Oh, this is terrible. I'm too young for the world to end."

Sirius grinned. "I was just fooling you. Never will I turn down the opportunity to see a naked woman, let alone thousands. I just wanted to get your nose out of that bloody book." Before Remus could say something clever and return to his reading, Sirius reached over and plucked the tome out of his hands, throwing it over his shoulder.

Remus whimpered when it hit the ground.

Sirius chuckled. "Oh, torturing you this way never gets old. I was just thinking of the time we made **all** the books come off the shelves."

Remus winced and shuddered at the memory. "God, must you remind me? I nearly subjected myself to therapy or a Memory Charm. I still have nightmares sometimes."

"I know," Sirius said, very excited. "I hear you sometimes, ranting about all of the words falling off the page or something. It's very entertaining when I can't get to sleep."

"You're evil," Remus observed as if he was just noticing that Sirius had a freckle on the tip of his nose. "Why ever am I friends with you?"

"I gave you a list at the beginning of First Year," Sirius reminded him.

Remus frowned. "It occurs to me that for someone who hates organization, you certainly have made a lot of lists."

Sirius ignored him very obviously and continued, "You may consult that for all of my various attributes." Sirius paused, tipping his head back and blowing his bangs out of his eyes. "That is of course if you can read it anymore. You spent the whole day correcting my spelling."

Remus shrugged. "Well, it was terrible. I didn't know what you meant half the time."

"That was the genius of it, Moony!" Sirius insisted. "Hell, that was another reason to be friends with me. You love correcting my grammar. It makes you feel as though you have a purpose in life."

"Because I have no goals of my own, of course," Remus drawled.

"You're goal in life is to be boring," Sirius reminded him.

"Actually, my goal in life is to get you to stop insisting that my goal in life is boring," Remus corrected.

"But that IS boring," Sirius maintained, throwing his arms into the air.

Remus frowned, pulling out fresh pieces of papers with Remus's carefully legible scrawl covering them from top to bottom. "Didn't we have a reason to meet here? Your vendetta or something? A prank of some kind? I'm not sure anymore. All of this drivel has made me forget myself."

"You are Moony, and you are oh so fuzzy!" Sirius insisted. He leaned over on the table as Remus began to lay out the pieces of parchment. He sighed and looked up at Remus, accusing again. "You recopied them, didn't you?"

Remus looked at Sirius as though he had said something incredibly stupid. "I couldn't read those either."

"Because you were correcting my spelling!" Sirius said with a laugh.

"Amazingly, I think your spelling has gotten worse since first year," Remus muttered. "And your penmanship. Do you know that it took me twenty minutes to understand that you'd written down _'Oh, how could I have denied my love for you?'_ I was staring at the paper the entire time wondering, 'Now, what on Earth could he have meant by, _"How cows would have ridden thy doves for you?"_' You have no business complaining of your hangovers to me after that headache."

Sirius brushed a bit of dust off his knee. "Still will."

"I know. I don't know why I bothered to mention it really," Remus said, his shoulders sagging in defeat.

Sirius pondered things for a moment before chuckling quietly. "How cows would have ridden thy doves... That sounds both very dirty and very painful both in conjunction and separately and in a variety of ways no less. I must use it sometime."

Remus furrowed his brow quizzically. "How?"

Sirius sniffed the air. "Is that a challenge I smell?" Unfortunately, before he could muse over that anymore, he let out an unexpected sneeze, courtesy of the dust. He scratched his nose and said, "Well, now I don't smell much of anything at all. Is it necessary being back here?"

"Have you noticed Madame Pince back here yelling at us about being too loud?" Remus asked, reading over their papers to check for any accidental grammar errors he might have made.

Sirius glanced around, surprised that the old bat hadn't been hovering behind him the entire time, just waiting for the right moment to pounce. "Oddly, no."

"No one comes back here. Including her," Remus explained. "I always study back here."

Sirius snapped his fingers in a sudden realization. "That's why Peter always has sneezing fits when you come back to the room!"

"So all those painful allergy tests you administered in Second Year were for naught," Remus said woefully. "How unfortunate."

"You could have said something," Sirius pointed out.

"And had you three coming down here to interrupt me? No chance of that," Remus said, scoffing a little. "You know very well that I can't study with noise. I get flustered and uppity and then you make jokes about it being my time of the month and Peter says that my time of the month isn't for two weeks and then I get more flustered and uppity because he has made me paranoid that someone will notice that the full moon is in two weeks and piece it all together and then I'll have to leave school or kill myself."

Remus was a bit winded after that speech, so Sirius waited a moment before responding. "Which would be worse?"

Remus paused, puzzled. He thought about it for a several minutes. "You know, I honestly have no idea."

"And that is why you are my friend, Moony. You need me around to tell you that expulsion is always infinitely better than death," Sirius surmised, turning back down to the papers. He came upon some unfamiliar wording, furrowing his brow and glancing up. "Did you add some things while you were... editing?"

Remus nodded, giving the script a last glance over. "Yeah, that's why I wanted you to take a look at them. So you could say if they were--"

"They're all right," Sirius complimented, sounding a bit surprised. "They're more than all right actually. They're... appropriate."

It was Remus's turn to laugh. "We're going to be pretending that we're having sex, and you say that the script is appropriate?"

"Pardon me, Moony of the obnoxiously large vocabulary," Sirius said dryly. "I'm just... just... well, shocked."

Remus tilted his head to the side quizzically. "You're shocked?"

"One might say flabbergasted, but I'm afraid that you would have the same reaction that you had to balderdash," Sirius responded.

Remus glanced down at the manuscript and then up at Sirius again. "You're shocked? Really you're shocked?"

"You are welcome to bat at me with your quill. I would surely fall over," Sirius reiterated, becoming testy. "Why are you so shocked that I'm shocked?"

"Because I don't understand why you're shocked in the first place," Remus answered.

Sirius raised an eyebrow. "You really have no idea what... Moony, I couldn't get you to moan sensuously-- Well, I could have of course, but I just asked you to, I didn't actually put any real effort into it-- but the fact remains that you refused to do it, and yet you wrote... Moony, I'm embarrassed to read some of this out loud!"

"You are not," Remus countered knowingly.

Sirius rolled his eyes. "Well, of course not. I could go on and on about your rod of fire, which is a horrible euphemism by the way--"

"I know. You wrote it, and I wanted you to be ashamed of it," Remus interrupted.

Sirius looked pale. "My God, did I really--"

"I think maybe you were kidding," Remus soothed. "Or very tired. Possibly both."

"Most likely both," Sirius agreed before going on, still eyeing the paper as if he wanted to destroy the whole thing in hopes of erasing his memory. "The point is that I have no shame, so I don't care what I say or write or do or what have you. But you have lots of shame, my dear Moony. You have shame in spades. You have so much shame that you more than make up for my shamelessness and the shamelessness of at least five other people. For crying out loud, I've lived with you for seven years, and I've never even seen your rod of... something other than fire. Anything other than fire."

Remus furrowed his brow, trying to puzzle out everything Sirius had said. "So, because I don't prance around waving it at every body... I'm incapable of writing this?"

"Well, clearly not. You wrote it," Sirius said, glancing down at the paper. "The grammar is impeccable."

"Which proves my theory that you screw it up on purpose," Remus muttered.

"Hush, it gives you something to do and amuses me," Sirius said, waving him off. "My point is that writing anything along these lines requires a certain amount of... experience."

Remus still didn't quite understand. "Experience with what? Writing-- Oh." Apparently Remus had just realized what Sirius was talking about. "Oh. Experience. I see."

"It took you that long to see?" Sirius asked.

Remus closed his eyes in a gesture that reminded Sirius that Remus often seemed so much older than the rest of them, and the graying hair was not helpful in shattering this illusion. "Sirius, you are a very confusing person, so I'm allowed to be a little slow on the uptake at times."

Sirius shook his head and said, "No, I am the one who is to be confused at this moment. I mean, I thought you were a... You know."

"Virgin?" Remus asked, the left corner of his mouth twitching.

Sirius winced. "God, I hate that word."

"You hate a lot of words," Remus said, recalling when Sirius had gone through one of his fake fits a few days earlier.

"Yes, but that isn't the point," Sirius maintained.

Remus looked around as if searching for an answer to a question. "Would you mind filling me in on what the point is?"

"Aren't you?" Sirius asked, knitting his eyebrows together.

Remus looked like he very much wanted to roll his eyes. "Aren't I what?"

"A..." Sirius hesitated. "That word I hate. The one you just said. Please don't repeat it!"

Remus stared at Sirius for a moment, obviously utterly lost as to why they were even having this conversation. He let out a quick puff of air that was not quite a sigh and said, "No. I'm not."

Sirius was very glad that when people spoke of their jaws hitting floors and other such things, they were kidding. He had a feeling he was shocked enough for his jaw to have paid a visit to Hades if it could unhinge itself that much. That might have resulted in an injury that would have been very hard to explain to the nurse, "Well, you see, my jaw dropped when one of my friends informed me that he has had sex, and it happened to collide with a River of Death. Should I see a dermatologist or something?"

"What?" Remus asked, leaning away from the look Sirius was giving him. Then he looked mildly insulted. "Is it that hard to believe that I--"

"No!" Sirius interrupted quickly, wagging his head from side to side. "No, no it isn't, but... You didn't tell me."

"I admit it was not the first thing that came to mind," Remus admitted.

"Why not?" Sirius asked, sounding affronted.

Remus stared at him for a moment, unsure of how to respond. "I'm sorry," he said after a long silence. "You have rendered me befuddled. You really want to know why I didn't tell you that I'd--"

Apparently fearing Remus's phrasing, Sirius cut him off again. "Yes, that's exactly what I want to know. Why wasn't I informed of this immediately?"

"Was I supposed to owl you mid-coitus?" Remus queried, sounding for a moment as if he was actually wondering if this was the proper protocol.

"Moony, now is not the time to use Latin!" Sirius snapped. "I am asking you why you didn't tell me."

Remus shrugged, which Sirius found somewhat infuriating. Luckily, Remus sensed this, though he couldn't even begin to understand why, and answered, "Well, I'm not sure, Sirius. It never occurred to me to--"

"But bragging rights!" Sirius blurted, finding that he was losing his mind. Or at least that he was beginning to lose his mind. That was the only thing that could possibly explain the way his heart kept threatening to leap right out of his throat. "And... other important things that would have resulted from you telling me!"

"I suppose I just didn't think it was any of your business," Remus said, putting a little too much emphasis on the word 'your' for Sirius's liking.

Sirius's cheeks began to color with indignation. "Oh, so James and Peter know?"

"No, of course they don't," Remus dismissed, still staring at Sirius as if he had grown a second head. "I don't talk to Peter about that sort of thing, and if I had mentioned it to James, he would have gone all mopey and yammered on and on about Lily. He was and still is insufferable when you get him on that subject."

"But then why was it so important that you not tell me?" Sirius demanded.

"I didn't say that!" Remus responded. "Sirius, why are you--"

Sirius shook his head. "I heard emphasis."

"You only think you heard emphasis," Remus retorted, beginning to get annoyed himself.

"Moony, tell me," Sirius demanded, his eyes darkening.

Now Remus did sigh. He very clearly did not want to talk about this, but Sirius had also made it very clear that this was one of those subjects he was going to go on about until Remus caved. Therefore, rather than give himself a headache no amount of morphine could cure, Remus decided that the best course of action was to answer him. He narrowed his eyes pointedly and said, "Because I wasn't speaking to you at the time. All right?"

Sirius didn't need to be reminded of that time. He shut his eyes and looked away, his jaw clenching at Remus's words. The timing and the act was enough to make him want to hurl a chair against a wall. He sat there for a moment, trembling like a bomb on the verge of exploding. That was likely because he was one. He sprang to his feet, cursing, and raged, "You... You had SEX when--"

"I was upset, Sirius," Remus said, breathing deeply to keep himself in check. One of them was acting insane for no discernable reason. There was no reason for Remus to join the act. "I was upset, and it was a distraction. A welcome one at that."

"You needed a--" Sirius cut him self off, holding up his hands. "What am I saying? Of course you did. Who didn't need a distraction that summer for Christ's sake?"

"Exactly," Remus said, sounding slightly relieved. "Now would you mind explaining what any of this has to do with--"

"Who?" Sirius interrupted, sounding as if he was getting angrier with each passing moment.

Remus blinked, his eyes bugging out unattractively. "Who?" he repeated. "You want to... Sirius, you're being ridiculous."

"Yes, I want to know who," Sirius said. "I have every right to know who it was."

"Actually, you don't," Remus reminded him.

Sirius's jaw seemed to clench even more as he strode forward, pointing sharply. "I am your friend. I may not have the right, but you have some obligation--"

"To inform you of every detail of my sex life?" Remus asked, getting to his feet just as Sirius reached him. The other boy still had the advantage in height, but standing leveled the playing field slightly. "I don't have any kind of obligation. You, on the other hand, have an obligation to tell me at what point in this conversation one of us lost their sanity. I have to see if I can undo the damage."

Sirius ran a hand down his face and said, "I'm not mad, Remus."

"Well, then I must be," Remus said. "Because what you are doing certainly seems mad. You're out of your mind, Sirius! There is no logical reason for you to--"

"Oh, you and logic!" Sirius snapped. "The hell with your logic! And the hell with you for that matter!"

Sirius turned on his heel and began to leave. Remus didn't let him get very far, yelling. "The hell with me? I haven't even done anything!"

"No, you haven't said anything," Sirius snapped.

"It's not like I was keeping a secret," Remus pointed out. "I told you just as soon as I figured out what you were asking."

Sirius shook his head, his dark hair flying about around his ears. "You didn't volunteer it."

Remus held up his hands helplessly. "It didn't seem to be the proper sort of ice breaker at the beginning of Sixth Year. What was I meant to say?"

"'I forgive you for being an idiot, Sirius. Oh, and I had sex to vent all of my frustrations about you being an idiot!'" Sirius told him loudly. "That's what you should have said."

"I'm sorry?" Remus said, unsure of whether or not he actually was or even what he was meant to be apologetic for.

"Whatever," Sirius ground out, making an attempt at apathy and failing as always. Sirius had too much passion to understand what indifference was, and this situation was no different.

Remus's eyes widened as he began to realize more and more that this was actually happening and that it was a situation he could not figure out for the life of him. "Sirius, I still don't understand. Why is it so wrong that I didn't tell you about this? I didn't tell anyone else either, so it wasn't really personal."

Sirius shook his head. "It isn't about..." he trailed off, screwing his eyes shut.

"It isn't about what?" Remus asked hopefully, waiting for Sirius to give him a way to fix whatever it was he had broken.

Sirius just kept shaking his head for awhile, keeping his eyes closed. When Remus stepped forward to ask him again, Sirius moved away in a flurry of robes. He stomped off, his loud exit prompting more than a few angry orders for his silence, all of which were punctuated by a very loud, "Sod off!" and the sound of the doors being kicked open.

"What did I do?" Remus whispered to himself softly, glancing around at the empty room, and feeling very empty himself.

-----

Sirius stormed out of the library with all of the subtlety of a Hungarian Hornback in a tea shop, earning him quite a number of looks. For the first time in a very long time (possibly ever), Sirius very much wished that they would mind their own damn business and leave him in peace. He found that even their notice of him was enough to make his temper flare up again. He would have liked nothing better than to let loose on some unsuspecting First Year or tell a passing professor just exactly what he thought of their teaching skills, even if they were quite good and Sirius would have had nothing to complain about otherwise. He wasn't sure how he managed to make it back to Gryffindor Tower without at least attempting to murder someone.

The Fat Lady didn't even wait for the password to open the door to him, opening the common room up to him. Several of his housemates looked up to call out a greeting, and then quickly returned to their business when they saw the look on his face. Everyone knew about Sirius's temper, and no one wanted to be on the receiving end of it, particularly not when they took into account what had happened at Quidditch practice the day before. Even the dullest of the Gryffindors knew enough to keep their head downs and wait for Sirius to blow past. They were even scared enough to hold off on whispering their various theories on what had set him off until he was out of ear shot, a fact that would have shocked him if he was paying attention.

All Sirius was paying attention to was the way he stomped up the staircase, filling the sudden quiet with the noise of his frustration. The sound echoed loudly against the stone and in his ears, growing faster and louder as Sirius increased his ascent from a walk to a jog. He wanted nothing more than to further distance himself from the student body. He wanted to be surly and sullen and alone, and he wanted that as quickly as possible.

Sirius reached the room at long last, feeling a slight rush of relief when he saw that on one else was there. He shut the door behind him, locking it even though it would really do nothing but slow any of the others down. He then rested his forehead against the wooden door and yelled at no one in particular except for himself. "Fuck!"

He couldn't believe himself. He couldn't believe anything that he had just said or done. Sirius had done some idiotic things in his time, but he was quite certain that this was topping the list. He had just managed to completely alienate the one friend he was still speaking to. He had pushed away the only Marauder Sirius would admit to caring for, possibly ruining everything they had worked for. If anyone had told him the day before that he was going to turn on Remus for something so stupid, something so pointless, he would have laughed himself sick.

But it wasn't pointless, was it? It should have been, but it wasn't.

Sirius pushed that thought away with the brute force of willpower. No, it was miniscule. It was trite in the grand scheme of things.

It was just supposed to be funny. He was supposed to have laughed uproariously and clapped Remus on the back and gone on about the incident until Remus blushed. And then Sirius was supposed to go on about Remus blushing until Remus got stodgy and close-mouthed and kept trying to change the subject. And then Sirius was supposed to wheedle every last awkward detail out of him until Remus realized how funny it all was, because that was what it was supposed to be. Funny.

But Sirius hadn't laughed. No, instead, he'd lost it. He'd gone completely mental, and for what? A secret that had been kept? The memory of that summer of silence? Being dragged back into that stupid dusty room so horrid that his nose still itched even now?

Sirius groaned and shut his eyes. Maybe some of that had irritated him, but that wasn't what had made him react so horribly. He was so aware of it that it terrified him. He had trained himself into numbness on this subject for ages, and now, all of a sudden, he was feeling so intensely that it made him shake and shiver against the grain of the wood.

"Fuck," Sirius repeated, banging his head against the door.

Remus Lupin was more important than Sirius ever cared to acknowledge. Unfortunately, there was no more denying it. His explosion in the library confirmed what Sirius had been trying to avoid for years. He could only ignore it for so long, and that time had run out.

"They were right," Sirius whispered somewhat miserably. "I'm fucking bent for... Remus Lupin."

Coming Soon - Part Eight: Paper Talking


	9. Part Eight: Paper Talking

All Kidding Aside  
Part Eight: Paper Talking  
9/12  
by Kihin Ranno

Sirius remained poised against the door, trying to decide if continuing to exact physical punishment upon it would do anything to improve his mood. Of course, it would not change the fact that he had just figuratively stomped on Remus's face and that Remus's was the last face he would have liked to have figuratively stomped on. Or literally for that matter. But he couldn't help but consider destroying something inanimate would help ease his guilt.

After pondering this for a time, Sirius decided it would do nothing. Said realization did not spare the door from one final kick before Sirius turned on his heel and stomped further into the room.

"I am an idiot," Sirius declared, wanting to rip his hair from his scalp. "I am the greatest idiot to have ever been conceived. Brainless, spineless idiot!"

Sirius threw himself on to his bed dramatically, covering his eyes with his arm. He heaved a sigh and swiped at one of the bedposts for good measure. He lay there for a few minutes, pondering the last hour or so of his life and wondering just what he was going to do about it.

How was he supposed to explain going ballistic for no apparent reason? He supposed he could do the usual thing, and rely on his humor and hope that Remus overlooked it, but Remus was different from James or Peter. Even if he seemed to brush the incident off, he would insist on examining it and thinking about it and trying to figure out just what it was that he had done wrong to set Sirius off. And it was ridiculous for him to dwell on that because he hadn't done anything.

He had just had sex with someone else and not bothered to tell Sirius about it. And he'd probably had a roaring good time as well, with that someone not named Sirius Black. It had probably been with some girl with a terribly boring name who had been incredibly bored one afternoon. She'd seen Remus's depression over what had happened and pretended to comfort him. She'd probably conned him into bed while Sirius and the others were out a of the room or maybe she'd even gone to see Remus over the summer. How was Sirius to know? She'd coaxed toe-curling orgasms out of him only to drop him in the middle of the afterglow. Remus probably felt pangs when he saw her flitting about the castle and pretending that it had never happened. She had likely caused Remus to swear sex off forever and ever, meaning that Sirius didn't have a chance even if he got Remus incredibly drunk that weekend or any number of weekends after it. Not that he was speaking to Sirius in the first place and all because some floozy had offered Remus a good time and absconded with his virginity just to piss Sirius off.

"Bitch," Sirius muttered, crossing his arms in front of his chest.

How could Sirius explain any of that to Remus? And for that matter how could he explain it to himself? Sure, Sirius knew what those random tingly feelings were **now**, but exactly how long had he been having them anyway? And how long had he been ignoring them and labeling them something else or pinning them to some girl Remus had been standing next to?

He'd done such a thorough job of ignoring the possibility that he had absolutely no memory of when the damn thing had started. For all he knew, he'd been lusting for Remus Lupin since he was just a twinkle on his parents' handcuffs. It was highly unlikely, but then wasn't it highly unlikely that he was a poufter? He certainly hadn't been expecting it.

But he should have been, and he wanted to know for how long.

Sirius turned back to that same bedpost he had hit a few moments before. He pulled his wand out of his robes and pointed it at the section level with head when he sat up straight. He reached forward, watching as his hand disappeared into the wood. It was a hole he had created and cloaked in his first year to hide one very special item that he was not willing to let even his closest friends know about.

It took him a moment, but his fingers finally curled around the object, tightening against the worn leather. He pulled it out swiftly, glancing over his shoulder to make sure that James wasn't hovering just outside the window for... whatever reason James hovered outside of windows. And Sirius was certain that James hovered outside of windows and a lot of other despicable, nefarious things.

Well, maybe not, but it was nice to pretend.

Sirius frowned at that thought, glancing down at the very evidence of that in his hand. It was a book, and that alone would have likely shocked his friends so much that at least Peter would have had a heart attack. All the more shocking was that it had handwriting in it. Sirius's handwriting.

But it was NOT a diary. Sirius was adamant about that. It was merely a record of his greatness that he would one day pass on to his children after the other three were dead because he would not endure the teasing of geriatrics about his not-diary.

"I'm not that bloody bent," Sirius muttered.

Sirius had now admitted that he had... Well, that Remus was more important to him than a regular bloke. And for whatever reason, he felt like revisiting his past, grandiose exploits. He wasn't one for introspection, but he felt he owed it to himself to figure out just how long this had been going on, and how long Sirius had refused to actually admit it. He could have just thought about it, but his memories were tainted by his epiphany. He wouldn't be able to get a proper look at what had happened via a Pensieve as he didn't have one, but this would do.

Then again, if he had lied to himself, what could have stopped him from lying to a book?

He shook his head, flipping open the book to the first page. Sirius was sad to see that he hadn't included a warning to all who read it that they would be killed upon laying eyes on the pages within. He could have gone into great detail about their eyes melting out of their sockets and their innards seeping out through their arsehole or something else equally gruesome. He seemed to remember that there had been some plan of doing that, but apparently he hadn't been patient enough at eleven to scribble it down. He'd merely jumped right in.

_'JAMES POTTER IS SECOND GREATEST PERSON EVER BORN EVER! Second to me of course. Mum says that it's good that I think highly of myself. Then again, she also said that it would make me right for Slytherin, but guess she was wrong about that. I hope that Reggie owls me and tells me what color her face turns when she learns of this "disaster." Anyway, James (not Jamie, he throws a royal blue fit if you call him Jamie, which means I will only call him that when he is within earshot and will not waste my time writing it down as that would be very wasteful you see), is very funny.'_

_'There is another boy, other than the round one named Peter Pettigrew (who has a very unfortunate name, with all the P's and T's and such. I think I will suggest we change it to something inappropriate because I need to see the variety of colors Professor McGonagall can turn. I have a feeling she could turn more than even my mother, in which case she is a very talented woman) with us. This other boy is very quiet and calm and he reads incessantly. Honestly, it can't be healthy, all that reading. I am going to try and take his book and figure out what his name is because I cannot remember what it is because he told me while he was reading and James was poking me and Peter Pettigrew (terrible name) was probably rolling around or something and it was all very distracting and I didn't hear.'_

_'I have just tried to take his book, but it didn't work! It was quite shocking. He just pulled it out of the way and informed us that if we let him finish the chapter, he has some chocolate hidden somewhere that he will give us. Peter Pettigrew is salivating and James is looking all over for it so that he can steal the book anyway. I have returned to you, blank sheets of paper bound into a book that IS NOT A DIARY because surely you have missed me in the time that I have left you.'_

_'The others think that I am writing a letter. Ha ha. I am so clever. They have no idea what I'm actually doing.'_

_'I have decided that this very quiet boy, Remus Lupin (which is a name that I think is only slightly less unfortunate than Peter Pettigrew, whose middle name, as it turns out, is Percival, making him Peter Percival Pettigrew. I offered to kill him straight away to end his long years of suffering, but then he got all wobbly and I told him I was joking. Peter Percival Pettigrew did not find this funny and is eyeing me suspiciously. I think that perhaps one of us is slightly mad, and I hope that it is me), is an all right sort. He seems smart and already has a to-do list with his classes and other things. I have decided to give him a list of all the reasons for why I am amazing because it seems like the sort of thing he would like. He also keeps correcting everyone's grammar, so I will misspell everything HORRIBLY and maybe his brain will explode. Sounds like great fun.'_

_'Oh, and earlier, a Prefect said "FUCKER IN A HANDBASKET!" when a Third Year stomped on his foot for some reason. He saw me looking and told me not to repeat that, so I have decided that I will greet everyone tomorrow by yelling, "FUCKER IN A HANDBASKET" and running away very, very quickly.'_

Well, Sirius couldn't detect any overt indication of eleven year old lust, and if he had, he would have been supremely disturbed. There were some things even Sirius thought were disgusting, though admittedly, he would probably use that idea in a joke sometime in the near future. Just because it was nasty didn't mean it wasn't funny by the by.

The next page only had very little written on it by comparison.

_'I have gotten detention for my new greeting, and it is wonderful. James is very jealous. Remus keeps looking at me like I'm mad when he isn't reading. It's the most he's looked up from a book since he's gotten here. I AM AMAZING!'_

From there, the not-diary was filled with little more than nonsense. If another person was mentioned, it was usually James. There were pages and pages dedicated to the ridiculous stunts he and James had pulled, and it made Sirius feel slightly nostalgic about a time when he hadn't wanted to beat the boy so thoroughly about the head. Other times there were his thoughts on just how Snape's hair could remain so greasy even after dunking him several times in the lake and why James seemed to lose all cognitive abilities when Lily came within twenty feet of him. There was also an occasional hypothesis about Peter's buoyancy or the possibility that they could roll him down the stairs unharmed (theories they had tested and, unfortunately for Peter, were very, very wrong about). As a matter of fact, Remus was probably in the book least of all. There was an occasional rant on his study habits or his good hygiene and one entry in which Sirius lamented the fact that Remus's Prefect status did not guarantee him the right to rule all of Hogwarts.

Then Sirius turned to the last pages in the not-diary. The final entry was dated March 28, 1975, the day after the full moon that month. Ever since then, Sirius had avoided the not-diary, thinking that perhaps revisiting that day would violate the oath of silence the boys had taken once everything had finally gone back to normal at the beginning of their sixth year. But now the words were staring him in the face, and while he knew he probably should have put it away, he couldn't stop from thinking back to that horrible night and reading what he had said.

_'Snape should have died. Snape should have fucking died, I don't care what James says. James can hit me as much as he wants and he can yell until he's blue in the face (which he has done several times now), but I'll never stop thinking that Snape should have fucking died. We could have gotten rid of the body. We could have acted like we had no idea what happened to him. We never needed to tell Remus about what happened. James and I could have just sworn ourselves to silence or maybe even gotten a Secret Keeper or something, and no one would have ever had to have known what actually happened to Snivellus. He would have been perpetually missing, and I don't think anyone would have cared that much.'_

_'It's all his fault anyway. He just wouldn't shut up about any of it. He kept going on about us having a secret and saying that he was going to find out what it was. He just wouldn't let up, saying that he was going to tell everyone what it was. I told him to shut up, I told him to go the hell away, I even kicked him, but he just kept harping on it.'_

_'I had to say something. I had to get him off my back. So what if I told him where to go to get himself eaten? He deserved it.'_

_'James didn't seem to see it that way when I told him. He kept yelling and asking if I wanted Remus to be killed, which is ridiculous. It had nothing to do with Moony. I just wanted Snape dead, and who could blame me?'_

_'But James had to go and be all noble. He insisted that my ideas of keeping it from Remus and hiding our crime were stupid and childish. He tore out of the room like a bat out of hell to go save his sorry arse, and everyone keeps saying that James was heroic, but I think he was stupid. I told him as much, but he informed me that we aren't talking.'_

_'Remus isn't speaking to me either.'_

_'It feels different with him. With James, I feel like he'll have worked out all of his anger in a few days and then everything will be back to normal. He might realize how very wrong he was, but he'd never admit it if he did see things my way. We'll just ignore that last night ever happened and we'll be back to running around the place like madmen very soon.'_

_'But with Remus... it feels permanent. It feels like he might think he'd be better off without me. I'm beginning to wonder if he was preparing himself for something like this. If he was just waiting for me to fail him so that he could sever all ties that he probably shouldn't have even formed in the first place. It makes me angry, but then just about everything seems to be doing that right now, so I can't be sure if it's him or the way his hair is mussed or Madame Pomfrey's smell or what.'_

_'I think maybe he hates me.'_

_'He was so angry when James told him what happened. Well, not at first, but he got there pretty quickly. For a minute he just stared, like he couldn't believe what he had been told. His eyes went wide and his mouth hung open a bit. He wasn't really looking at me or Peter or James. He was looking through us. I think maybe I shivered a bit because it wasn't natural, him acting like that. Then he blinked and he was definitely looking right at me. He looked like I'd betrayed him. I never knew that eyes could hurt that much.'_

_'Then he started yelling. I can't really remember what he said, but there was a lot of him asking how I could have done such and such and if I was really his friend and a lot of other stuff I wasn't really paying attention to. I wasn't daydreaming, but I couldn't seem to make my brain wrap around the words he was saying. I'd never seen him really angry before. I'd seen him exasperated plenty of times, but I never thought that Remus Lupin had the capacity for fury. It was frightening. It was the most scared I'd ever been of him, and I'd seen him as a werewolf.'_

_'Eventually I realized that James was standing between us and actually trying to holdRemus back, but of course that's ridiculous. Moony could have thrown him across the room if he really wanted to, but I guess he didn't want to hurt James. Finally, I noticed that James was yelling for me to leave, and I did. I think Peter dragged me out. I don't really remember anything for certain except the look Remus was giving me.'_

_'I don't understand why they don't get it. I'd never hurt Remus. I would have done everything I could do to keep even Remus from finding out about it. I just wanted Snape gone.'_

_'But now Snape is still here and he knows about Moony, but Dumbledore says he won't say anything. I'm not sure I believe him, and if Snape does try anything, I'll kill him myself.'_

_'James tells me I'm being selfish. He says that I was using Remus to get rid of Snape. He says that he can't believe he has to live with me for two more years after this.'_

_'He doesn't understand that I was trying to protect Remus. Snape wanted to find out, and he's Slytherin. He would have done everything he could have to figure out what was going on, and then he would have exposed us. We would have been shipped off to Azkaban, and Remus would have been kicked out of school and then everyone would have known that they were friends with a werewolf. Then he wouldn't have any friends.  
What was I supposed to do?'_

_'I just wanted to keep it from happening. But now Snape knows and he's not dead and James and Remus and even PETER aren't speaking to me.'_

_'But only Remus hates me, and I'm not sure if I can stand that.'_

"James was right," Sirius muttered. "I was an idiot."

Sirius remembered that it had taken James and Peter two weeks to decide that they could forgive Sirius. Well, James decided. Peter just sort of went along with it. Things had been awkward at first, but then things had gotten relatively normal again.

Except that Remus wasn't with them anymore. Remus didn't even look at Sirius anymore if he could help it. When he had to, it didn't last long. Sirius always looked away.

It had taken James the entire summer to make Sirius realize what a selfish idiot he was. Regardless of his intentions, which James said were not nearly as noble as Sirius maintained, Sirius had put Remus in grave danger by threatening to expose him. If Snape had been killed, Dumbledore would have had no choice but to turn Remus in. The customary punishment for a werewolf who killed a wizard was to be put down. They weren't full citizens, so they didn't get the benefit of a trial. No one would have been able to save him.

Sirius tried to deny that, but eventually he had to admit that James was right. When he did that, Sirius got drunk, really drunk, for the first time and sobbed for a very long time. James tried to get him to go see Remus, but Sirius refused, finding that being sullen was preferable to facing the other boy after what he'd done. The remainder of the summer, short though it had been, was spent at the bottom of a bottle of Fire Whiskey and full of crying jags and fits where he threw his things about in hopes of shattering them. He had been a real wreck, and not even James had known what to do in the face of Sirius's behavior.

At the beginning of Sixth Year, Remus had come up to him and asked for a truce. Sirius still had no idea what had prompted this change, but he hadn't bothered to give that any thought. He'd merely hugged Remus until the other boy complained that his ribs were about to collapse, and even then Sirius had been slow to let go.

"That was it," Sirius whispered softly, his eyes closing as if someone had attached tiny weights to his eyelids. "That was when it started."

Sirius felt a little queasy at the epiphany. His stupidity had been the thing that nearly ended their friendship the first time, and it was also responsible for Remus working out his frustrations in the ways many a man had done before him. But that was not all it had caused. Snape's idiotic ramblings and the threat of exposing Remus had been enough to get Sirius to act like a complete lunatic, lashing out senselessly and risking his friend's life in order to save it. By the time the true extent of his madness was realized, Sirius had convinced himself that it was over and that he had lost a very good friend. And when Remus had offered to forgive and forget and never mention again, Sirius had been deliriously happy. But he had been too depressed at the loss and too overjoyed at the mending for it to be simply marked down as an argument between friends.

The same event that pushed Remus into bed with some nameless woman had been the catalyst that Sirius had been searching for.

"I am truly awful," Sirius proclaimed quietly. "And very, very stupid."

It was at that moment that Sirius heard someone try the door, and he hastily closed the not-diary and hid it in the bedpost yet again. He finished in time to see Remus standing in the doorway stowing his wand back into his robes after using it to open the door.

Sirius swallowed when he saw how clearly worried he was. It hurt. It hurt more than Sirius had wanted to admit. He thought that the fight was somehow his fault when it wasn't. It was Sirius's for being an idiot and that nameless girl for having a working sex drive around Remus. Normally, Sirius would have continued to blame Remus in spite of knowing that information, but things were different.

Sirius could only imagine what he was going to ask when he opened his mouth to speak. He could have said, "What did I do? I didn't mean to upset you. How could I repay you? Pay up on those many, many sexual favors I owe you?"

Sirius shook his head a bit. He really had to figure out a way to stop his mind from running away with him so frequently.

"Moony," Sirius said loudly, halting whatever Remus wanted to say in his throat. "Am I thick?"

Remus stared at him for a moment, utterly unsure of how to respond. He looked as if he was wondering if Sirius were going to use this as an opportunity to attack him. But then he seemed to notice the apologetic twinkle (for Sirius could make his eyes twinkle in numerous ways for just about any occasion) in his friend's eye, and he relaxed. Then a cautious smile crept onto his face and Remus said, "I don't know. Drop your trousers, we'll find out."

Sirius's shoulders sagged in relief, and he was surprised to find that he'd actually been holding his breath. Then Sirius briefly considered doing as Remus had asked for dramatic effect, but given his current situation, he decided against it. Instead, he returned the grin and popped off the bed. He was at Remus's side in a second, clapping him on the shoulder. "Moony, I am a right bastard, and you are free to call me so."

"That wouldn't be right," Remus insisted. "I've met your parents."

Sirius wrinkled his nose. "Moony, if you are going to counter my seriousness with jokes, you need to actually make good ones. That was mundane and unbefitting my best mate."

Remus blinked and stared for a minute. His mouth moved as if he was trying to form words, but his brain was refusing to cooperate with the rest of his body again, a problem that Remus encountered on a surprisingly regular basis. Eventually, he shut it and tried again. This time he succeeded. "Your best mate?"

"Well, yeah," Sirius said, suddenly uncomfortable and showing it, something he hated and avoided at all costs. He all but slapped himself to recover from it. "We've always been best mates, haven't we?"

There was only one time when they hadn't been friends at all, but Sirius had already revisited that once.He would not do it twice in one day.

"I just..." Remus said, his voice still a bit aghast. "Find that a very odd thing for you to say after trying to eat me."

Sirius blinked. "I tried to eat you? The werewolf? I'm not so sure that would have gone over well."

Remus shrugged a bit awkwardly and he looked much, much older. "I just mean that--"

"I know," Sirius said, waving him off. "It's just my way of... apologizing, you great woman."

Remus stared again for a moment, and then looked down, nodding.

Sirius suspected that he'd said the wrong thing and quickly followed it up. "I still mean it, but it occurred to me that I'd never said it before. I mean James,  
back when I was speaking to him, he was too, but in a... different sort of way. James was... James, and you... well, you're not James. Actually, you sort of were that one time with the Polyjuice, but that was just to make you turn funny colors really. All in good fun."

Sirius forced himself to stop. He was rambling. Sirius Black did not ramble unless he was doing so with a nonsensical purpose. This was just nonsensical, and he would not have it.

Remus still appeared to not quite know how to react, his eyes darting about like Peter's when he heard loud noises. Sirius was suddenly filled with a rather ridiculous fear that Remus was somehow not thrilled with this information, which Sirius could not begin to understand. After discovering that Remus had felt shut out, even for a minute, but James and Sirius, he'd wanted to undo the damage. He'd thought maybe this would do the trick, and if it didn't, Sirius didn't know what he was going to do short of the naked hula. Then again, he doubted that would be helpful.

Finally, Remus nodded and said, "Okay."

Sirius blinked, a little put off by the small reaction. On the other hand, it was not as if Remus was going to throw himself into Sirius's arms and get all weepy. He would have been tempted to clock him if he had, and Sirius gathered that that was a very inappropriate thing to do to the boy you had a crush on.

"Okay," Sirius repeated, smiling.

"Could I ask a question?" Remus voiced seconds later.

"Only if you raise your hand," Sirius joked, wondering if he would actually do it.

He didn't, and Sirius was a little sad. "Why did you get so upset about the... thing?"

Sirius wondered if he should tease Remus about his inability to say the word now that it had been made personal, but he decided against it. After all, he had to come up with a suitable answer that wouldn't make him seem like a poufter, and that was going to take some quick thinking. It took him a moment, but he managed to come up with a solution that would solve both problems. He batted his eyelashes and leaned in saying, "Didn't you know that I wanted to be your first?"

Remus snorted, pushing Sirius away. "Oh, you're very funny, Sirius."

"No, _really_," Sirius insisted, his voice leaping up into a falsetto. "It had long been a dream of mine. It was the last thing I thought about in the morning and the first thing I thought of at the end of a long day. It consumed my thoughts and sent me into confession on many an occasion, and eventually they could not come up with penance strong enough for my sinful desires. But it was a beautiful dream nonetheless, and you shattered it, you... great dream-shatter, you."

"Are you going to call me a cad and slap me?" Remus asked, raising his eyebrows.

Sirius's shoulders sagged and he dropped into his normal register. "Well, not **now** that you've suggested it."

Remus bent his head, looking solemn. "I'm very sorry, Padfoot."

"As you should be," Sirius said with a sharp nod. "Some best mate you are."

Remus smiled a bit at that. "I am ever so sorry for not preserving myself for you and hope you will someday learn to forgive me of my transgression."

Sirius shrugged. "Maybe. You know me and mood swings. Inherited from my mother's side of the family, so there's no telling really."

Remus nodded knowingly, still smiling. Sirius was fairly certain that he had smoothed over any of Remus's fears at what had happened, and hopefully distracted him from demanding a real answer. But just in case Remus _was_ doing anymore of that troublesome thinking, Sirius slung an arm around Remus's shoulders that was very palsy until he pulled him down into a headlock.

Remus yelped and bent over at an uncomfortable angle. "Your armpit smells really, really terrible you know."

"I do," Sirius concurred, struggling to keep Remus from throwing him about or something else of that sort. "But you see, I figure that if I keep you in this position, you will tell me who you did the dirty tango with."

Remus groaned very loudly, sounding a bit pathetic. "Sirius..."

"Tell me, or you will never be able to get the stench out of you nose," Sirius threatened.

Remus sighed testily. "Why are you so desperate to know?"

Well, Sirius knew exactly why he was desperate to know. So that he could go out and find this woman and turn her into a mushroom so that he could throw her into a salad he would give to a very old woman who kept forgetting to brush her teeth. But saying this would be a very, very bad plan of action, so he did not.

"My curiosity is insatiable," Sirius admitted. "It's a disease really."

"So is it a really a good idea for me to feed your addiction?" Remus questioned.

"Tell me right now or I will tie all of your socks and underwear to the end of my broom and fly around Hogwarts like it's a banner," Sirius threatened. "And then I will dump it in some mud puddle or quicksand, and you will be entirely without socks and underwear for the rest of your days."

Remus pondered whether or not this was really a good a reason for him to say, but eventually he shook his head (as best as he could with Sirius's arm clamped around his neck anyway) and answered, "It's no one you know. Just some... friend I've known since I was a kid."

Sirius found himself pouting. He had been so hoping that he could march right up to the Girl's Dormitory and exact his revenge, but no such luck. It seemed that Sirius would have no way to carry out his second vendetta for some time, and he found that bothersome.

"How was it?" Sirius asked, pretending to becasual, his arm still trapping Remus in what was probably a very painful position.

Remus was beginning to sound annoyed, and Sirius thought that was mildly amusing. "Very awkward. And speaking of awkward, now that I have told you, you are more than welcome to release me before I get a crick in my neck or you throw my spine out of alignment or something."

Sirius shrugged. "I don't know. This is sort of fun for me."

"I will bite you in a minute," Remus insisted as his face began to change color.

"Not until I tell you where I like it," Sirius countered, grinning wickedly. Of course, before he had a chance to elaborate, Remus did in fact bite, lungingin his direction and then shoving him into a wall. It was the beginning of a rather grand wrestling match that continued all the way down the hall and even after they'd both fallen down the stairs and bloodied themselves up a bit.

Sirius just kept on being himself, business as usual. After all, there was a grand prank to be carried out the next day. Sirius certainly couldn't let the happy feelings between his legs get in the way of pretending to have sex with Remus Lupin.

He stopped rather abruptly as it finally dawned on him.

He was going to have to pretend to have sex with Remus Lupin... when he really would not have minded actually having sex with Remus Lupin.

"Oh, fuck me."

Coming Soon - Part Nine: Secret Keeper


	10. Part Nine: Secret Keeper

All Kidding Aside  
Part Nine: Secret Keeper  
10/12  
by Kihin Ranno

Remus Lupin had the very unpleasant experience of being awoken by Sirius Black on the morning of Saturday, February 26, 1977, a day that neither of them would ever forget.

He smelled Sirius before he actually heard him. He smelled fresh, probably having just stepped out of the shower. He was already wearing cologne, as he always did in order to try and cover up the faint canine odor that seemed to follow him no matter how many times he washed. Of course, Sirius and Remus were really the only ones to notice this, but it did nothing to change his actions. And if it were possibly to smell evil glee (and perhaps it was), Remus would have choked on it.

"Wakey, wakey..." Sirius sang out in a sugary-sweet falsetto. "It is time to get your sorry arse out of bed so that you may step into the annals of history."

Remus dared to open one eye, glancing up at the face of his best mate (a mutual title he was still having a little trouble reconciling himself with, having associated it with Sirius and James for the past six and a half years of his life). He muttered something reproachfully, repeating it before Sirius asked him to because he knew that he hadn't articulated it well. "Sirius, we're not launching an attack on France.  
It's a prank."

"It's a bloody brilliant prank that shall be heralded as the best prank of all time," Sirius insisted. He reached over and shook Remus, saying, "Come on, Moony. Get up."

"It is a brilliant prank," Remus admitted, sleepily waving his arm to mimic patting himself on the back. "And it will be just as brilliant in an hour, when I wake up."

Sirius groaned childishly, hopping up and down like he would have on Christmas day at his parents' bed if that would have brought him any joy. "But, Moony! I'm a wreck without you! Look at me. I'm bouncing."

Remus shut both of his eyes and buried his head into his lumpy pillow, trying to find that elusive comfortable position that Sirius had shaken him out of. "That's nothing landmark, Sirius. You hop up and down when..." he trailed off, unable to come up with anything. "Come back in an hour. I'll have a very clever example then. Now, I need sleep."

"You've had all night to do that," Sirius insisted.

"I would also like a healthy portion of the morning, you insufferably chipper prat," Remus mumbled, pulling the covers of his bed over his shoulders.

Sirius sighed and flopped down on the bed next to Remus. Remus opened his eye wide enough so that Sirius wouldn't notice to see his friend pillowing his dark head beneath his arms, staring up at the ceiling. "Well, if you're not getting up, I'm going to sit here and talk at you until you become thoroughly sick of me and get the hell out of your bed."

"Wonderful," Remus sighed. "My bed is going to smell like wet dog."

Sirius glared down at him. "What is the matter with you this morning? It's not the right time for this yet. Full moon isn't for two weeks." He pouted, widening his eyes pathetically. "You're beginning to hurt my feelings."

"Sorry," Remus muttered, turning his head away from Sirius and not sounding particularly apologetic. "You know how I am when I don't get six hours."

Remus could tell by the sound of Sirius's voice that he was frowning. "You went to bed early. Why the hell are you so tired?"

Remus opened his eyes now that he was no longer in danger of having Sirius see him. Of course, he knew exactly why he had been subjected to the previous night's case of insomnia. He had been pouring over the details of their altercation, continually finding himself unsatisfied with its resolution. He hadn't gotten a straight answer from Sirius, but then, he supposed he should have banked on that.

Sirius could be oddly standoffish in such instances, though he always masked it brilliantly. Even now, with Sirius lying on his bed as if nothing had happened the day before, Remus could sense an awkwardness that perhaps only James would have been able to see. Then again, he probably wouldn't have been looking for it. On the surface, Sirius was the same as ever. But there was a strain in his voice and his brow was constantly furrowed and he seemed to be swallowing more than usual. Remus knew it was there, and he couldn't help but feel that he had somehow put it there, though he could not for the life of him figure out what he had done.

That was what Remus had sat up thinking about the night before, and his brain still would not let go of it now that morning had come. He sincerely doubted that the issue would ever be resolved. He could picture the two of them in an Old Wizard's home years from now, Sirius propping his withering feet on Remus's lap, making inappropriate comments about a nurse, and Remus would be sitting there wondering what he had done to make Sirius lose his temper in the library sixty years earlier.

"Moony?" Sirius asked, his voice burdened with concern masked as impatience. "I am feeling neglected. Answer the question."

"Couldn't sleep," Remus said simply, shutting his eyes once again.

Sirius sighed, apparently refusing to abide this lack of activity any longer. A few seconds later, Remus felt Sirius's full weight come down somewhere in the middle of his back. He didn't move or even flinch at first, but after awhile, he decided to speak.

"Sirius?"

"Yes, Oony-Moony with whom I would like to spoony?" Sirius said in a very irritating voice.

"I do believe that you're sitting on me," Remus observed tiredly.

"Well, my bum is on your back," Sirius said. "I suppose that would constitute as sitting on you."

"Yes," Remus answered. "Yes, it would."

"Would you like me to get up?"

"Oddly enough, the thought did cross my mind," Remus said.

"Madness," Sirius said, no doubt shaking his head for a minute. "You do realize you have to pay a price for me to get off you."

"I am not going to drink Polyjuice Potion next year to transfigure myself into a female so that you have a date for when you crash the Yule Ball that they are going to have in celebration of us not longer being here," Remus muttered. "Stop asking me."

Sirius hit him lightly on the head. "You need to wake up. I will not tolerate this any longer. There is a prank to be played, plans to be made, fat boys to be wrangled, and I will not put it off for another minute."

"Oh, sod off, Sirius," Remus moaned. "Sod right off of my back."

"I am likely doing permanent damage to your vertebrae," Sirius threatened. "With each second that passes, your spine calls out for mercy." He cleared his throat and spoke as if someone had just dropped a piano on his head, which was likely how Remus's spine would feel if bones had feelings. "Please get Mr. Padfoot off of us, Mr. Moony. Your lumbar is already weeping. He is so very heavy with all of his rock hard muscles and manliness."

"And your ego has always been a hard load to bear," Remus added darkly.

Sirius groaned and then said nothing for a minute. Remus felt Sirius shift above him, and he dared to hope that perhaps Sirius was going to get off him. This fear was quickly forgotten when he thought he felt something sharp digging into his back. Had it not been so early, Remus would have realized what had happened much earlier.

But as it was, he didn't understand it until he felt something wet in his ear.

"Oh, God!" Remus said in revulsion struggling to bat away the wet nose and slobbering tongue, now instantly awake. He managed to shove the big dog off him for a moment, but he returned almost instantly, pinning Remus's shoulders to the bed. "Padfoot, you just licked my ear!"

The dog barked happily, leaning down and licking Remus's face.

Remus all but gagged. "I think it went in my mouth that time." Remus looked up at the canine, who was irritatingly happy with his tail wagging back and forth and his eyes staring into Remus's with an intensity that was alarming for a dog. Remus glared and said, "Oh, fine. I'll get up. And I will brush my teeth twelve times, and I will still taste your saliva."

Satisfied, Sirius turned back into a boy, hopping off the bed and landing on two feet smugly. "You know you liked it."

Remus wiped his face, alarmed at the amount of dog slobber that was there. "That was disgusting, and I enjoyed no part of it."

Sirius rolled his eyes. "I've drooled on you before."

"Never this early in the morning," Remus maintained, dragging himself out of bed. "I hate you right now. Just so you know."

Sirius threw Remus's towel and a set of clothes at him, hitting Remus square in the face. "Go wash. You smell like dog."

"Make that despise," Remus amended before turning on his heel and stalking off to the showers.

-----

Remus returned some forty-five minutes later to find that Sirius had found James's invisibility cloak, the Map, and Remus's new chocolate hiding place. He was munching on one of the bars, looking down at the Map with a scrutiny he never devoted to his essays. The cloak was flung over his legs, making Sirius look as if he were a veteran from a war.

He walked forward and pulled the cloak off, alerting Sirius to his presence. "Don't do that. It's disturbing."

Sirius looked up at Remus, glowering. "It was keeping me warm. The Tower is freezing without all of the little Gryffindors running around."

"It was making you look legless," Remus said.

"You are entirely too squeamish for a creature of darkness," Sirius said, taking a bite out of the chocolate. "What were you doing in there anyway? I was about to go save you from drowning."

Remus laughed cynically, rubbing his eyes. "Good luck getting in. You don't know the--"

"Yellow Submarine," Sirius interrupted around the candy.

Remus raised an eyebrow. "How did you find out the password?"

"I followed you in the invisibility cloak once so I could see you naked," Sirius said dryly.

Remus narrowed his eyes, unsure of whether or not to take this seriously. "Really?"

"No," Sirius admitted. "I did follow you, and I was wearing the cloak, but I did not see you naked. I just wanted to password, and I knew you'd never give it to me if I asked."

"I'd be too afraid that you'd burst in on some poor Fifth Year Girl wearing your pirate's hat and threatening to cart her off to your ship," Remus drawled, leaning over Sirius's shoulder to get a look at the map. "So, it looks as though everyone's gone."

Sirius nodded. "I was just waiting for you to get back so that we could go stalk the Terrible Trio until Peter separates himself from the pack."

Remus glanced at Sirius askance. "You know, from the look on your face, I'm slightly worried that you're going to maul him as soon as you're alone with him."

"That's why I waited for you," Sirius said, swinging off the bed. "So you can come with and prevent me from doing so."

"Joy," Remus said as Sirius picked up the cloak and swirled it around them with a flourish that would have made Dracula exceedingly jealous.

The pair made there way down to where James, Peter, and Lily were lounging about in the courtyard. They had removed themselves promptly from the Gryffindor Tower before either Sirius or Remus had gotten out of bed, probably sensing that being anywhere near the two of them would have been nothing but awkward and unpleasant. James had his head in Lily's lap, prompting Sirius to say that he was a little wistful they weren't speaking, as he would have very much enjoyed making lewd comments about their position. Peter was sitting some feet away, fiddling with his trousers.

"Stupid Sirius," James muttered crossly. "Stupid Remus. Stupid Moony and Padfoot and their stupid, senseless feud and their stupid... faces and--"

"James, I think you've made your point," Lily said, looking and sounding very tired.

"You understand that they're stupid, then?" James asked, still frowning.

Sirius rolled his eyes from where he and Remus were hidden some ten feet away, saying, "Could I throw a rock at him?"

"No," Remus hissed. "He'll know we're standing here if you do. And then he'll have a point about you being brainless."

Sirius frowned. "He said I was stupid, Moony. Not brainless. Would you like him to repeat it for you? I'm sure he'd love to."

Remus waved him quiet as Lily finished explaining just how thoroughly aware she was of the level of Sirius and Remus's intelligence. A brief moment passed in silence before Peter heaved a great sigh.

"What's wrong, Peter?" Lily asked, sounding a bit like an exasperated mother dealing with an irritable toddler.

Peter folded his arms across his chest and mumbled, "I don't think they're stupid."

James sat up a bit, turning his head in Peter's direction. "You what?"

Peter swallowed, a little hesitant to repeat himself and said, "I don't they're stupid."

Sirius feigned wiping away a tear. "Oh, look at little Wormtail, standing up to Prongs. I may almost be able to resist the urge to bite him once I get him alone."

"They're bent, but they're not stupid," Peter finished.

"And then he goes and does that, and I hate him again," Sirius growled.

Remus shook his head slightly. "I'm beginning to think that you're all hopeless."

"Moony, if you had any hope for any of us, I sincerely doubt your sanity," Sirius informed him, patting him on the head.

Lily spoke again before Remus had a chance to respond. "I wish you wouldn't go on about that, Peter. It would be just our luck that they round the corner at the wrong time and hear you. I don't fancy washing up your blood once Sirius is done."

Peter looked as if he wanted to pout, but thought better of it given his age. "I'm telling you, I saw them practically snogging in the room the other day. And they're spending every waking moment together now." Peter paused, looking around fervently, now worried that Lily's prediction was going to come true. "Probably sleeping together too."

"Peter, you great clod, they sleep with us," James said loudly. He blinked and added, "Well, not **with** us, but they sleep... around us."

"Oh, yeah. We're the idiots," Sirius muttered.

"The big, gay idiots apparently," Remus added, becoming a bit testy listening to them.

"They could be sneaking around," Peter maintained, refusing to let up on the subject. "Snogging in closets and humping each other in the bathroom."

Lily made a disgusted face that seemed to make her freckles more prominent. "Peter! That's dreadful!"

"Yup, I won't be sleeping tonight," James said. "Not unless I **want** to have nightmares."

Sirius shook his head sadly. "They just don't understand our love, do they, Moony?"

"You know, maybe we should lay off the "we're sleeping together" jokes," Remus suggested dryly. "That is what started this mess."

"I will not stifle my humor just because Lily doesn't understand it," Sirius said, a little insulted. He paused and frowned sourly. "Besides, this is all James's fault. He started it, calling me a liar. The git."

Remus glanced at Sirius askance. "You know, when you say that, I think that you are perhaps the tallest three year old in existence."

Sirius was about to say something when Peter suddenly stood up, still playing with his trousers. "I'll be back in a few minutes," he informed the couple. "So don't go off snogging anywhere. And don't snog here so that I have to come back and see it. You're both rather nasty with the spit and the lips everywhere and--"

"**Good-bye, Peter**," James said loudly.

"Yeah, yeah," Peter mumbled before turning and heading in the direction of the nearest bathroom.

Sirius and Remus followed him quickly, moving as silently as they possibly could. On the way, Sirius turned to Remus and said, "You stay under the cloak. It is imperative that he be petrified, and you're presence is too soothing. You'll calm him down with your soft brown eyes, and I will have none of it."

"Why is it imperative that he be petrified again?" Remus asked, the corner of his mouth inching up.

"My own personal amusement mostly," Sirius said.

"I rather thought so."

The pair fell silent after that as Peter glanced over his shoulder, thinking that he was being followed. They could say whatever they wanted about Peter, but he had a bit more paranoia then was considered healthy. It had saved their rear ends on several occasions before the creation of the Marauders Map.

They slipped in to the bathroom before the door shut so that Peter never heard them enter. Peter went into one of the stalls, giving Sirius ample time to go out from underneath the cloak and fix his hair before his meeting with the pudgy boy. He posed himself leaning against one of the sinks, glowering in the direction Peter had gone. Remus was about to voice concern that Sirius wasn't even blinking when Peter suddenly rounded the corner.

He yelped and stood up straighter than he ever had in his life. "Pad-- Si-Sirius."

"Peter," Sirius said darkly.

"What-- Well-- Isn't it-- F-Fancy-- Hello-- Oh, God, please don't kill me," Peter stammered out, his voice leaping up three octaves by the time he managed to get a whole sentence out.

Remus had to admit, it was a little sad, but he could understand why Sirius found this so amusing.

"I don't intend to," Sirius said, his eyes adding a silent but immensely clear 'yet' on to the end of the phrase.

Peter was able to see that, so he didn't look exceptionally relieved at the news. "Thank you?"

Sirius nodded graciously. "You're welcome."

Peter's eyes darted around, looking for a quick exit. He wasn't sure how long Sirius's benevolence would last. Seeing no option other than the door Sirius had positioned himself next to, Peter raised his hand a bit as if asking a question in class. "Might I go now?"

"No," Sirius said.

"Please?" Peter whimpered.

"Peter, do you want this feud to go on forever?" Sirius asked, his tone suggesting that he actually wanted Peter's opinion.

Still, Peter was briefly confused as to whether or not he was supposed to take that rhetorically. After a few seconds of silence, Peter finally managed to say, "I'd really rather not, but you and James--"

"I am willing to make peace with James and forgive him for the numerous wrongs he has committed upon my person," Sirius interrupted grandly, turning his nose up.

Remus very much would have wanted to make a comment, but he had avoided saying anything about James up until that point. He decided that suddenly voicing his opinion while he was invisible was not the best plan. Unless of course he wanted Peter to have an accident.

Peter blinked and lit up so that Remus was momentarily concerned that Sirius had set the boy on fire. "Really? You will? You and James will make up?"

"I would be willing to discuss the possibility," Sirius said in as snotty a tone as he could manage, dusting some nonexistent dust from his shoulder.

Peter looked positively giddy. "Oh, wait until I tell Prongs! He'll be ecstatic, really he will! He didn't mean all of that rotten stuff he said about your hair and you being stupid and dodgy and how you'll wind up friendless and alone because Remus has to get sick of you eventually and--"

"Peter, this is what I would consider being unhelpful to your cause," Sirius ground out through clenched teeth, his eyebrow twitching violently. "Shut it."

Peter all but swallowed his lips to keep from speaking again.

Once satisfied that he was not going to blurt anything else out, Sirius nodded and stood up from the sink, walking to the door. He pushed it open, and turned back to face Peter, giving Remus ample opportunity to slip out. "Come up to the room in... oh, say... An hour and twenty-three minutes. Exactly. Remus and I will be waiting there."

That said, Sirius shut the door behind him with a flourish and began to head back to the room. Once he was certain that Peter wasn't following them, he went ahead and pulled the cloak off of Remus.

"An hour and twenty-three minutes," Remus said, the left corning of his mouth turned upwards. "Subtle."

"Well, I want them to arrive on time," Sirius insisted.

"You could have just given them the time," Remus said.

This appeared to have not occurred to Sirius for whatever reason, and Sirius found that slightly embarrassing. He narrowed his eyes and set himself to pouting,  
muttering, "Shut up, Remus."

Remus didn't know what could have possibly stopped Sirius from processing the simple information properly, but he decided it was best not to dwell on it. The boy did have a tendency to fixate, after all. "I suppose I should have counted on you doing something like that. You lack the capacity for subtlety."

Sirius appeared insulted. "I can be subtle."

"Sirius, your idea of subtle is leaping out of a cake completely naked except for some poorly placed glitter."

Sirius glared. "Did I not say shut up?

Deciding to be agreeable, Remus remained quiet for the rest of the trip back to the room. They arrived shortly, leaving them a little over an hour before James and company would arrive. Remus and Sirius had decided ahead of time to give themselves some time to make some final preparations before they arrived. For example, Remus insisted on proofreading the script one final time because he planned to have it framed when the prank was over and done with, and Sirius needed to figure out exactly what sardonic expression he wanted to use when the threesome walked in the door. Both thought that the other had very strange priorities.

Sirius was standing in front of his mirror, not really doing much of anything. He appeared to be thinking rather intensely about something, glaring at the glass more than anything else. He was also dancing around quite a lot, though not nearly with his normal theatrics. He merely seemed uneasy, and that made Remus uneasy because he had always considered Sirius to be rather unshakable.

Remus looked up from his work after several minutes, eyeing Sirius curiously.

Sirius raised an eyebrow, noticing him in the mirror. "What's that look for?"

"You are... awfully fidgety," Remus observed.

Sirius shrugged. "I had a lot of sugar this morning."

"No, you're not sugar high fidgety," Remus insisted. "You're... You're nervous fidgety."

Sirius raised his other eyebrow at the same height as the first one. "Nervous? You think I'm nervous?"

Remus shrugged. "It would explain your complete inability to be still."

"Moony, I've always had a complete inability to be still," Sirius reminded him, walking away from his spot and moving about the room.

"This is different," Remus maintained. "You're pacing. You don't pace. It's too monotonous for you."

Sirius glanced over at Remus and said, "Moony, if I didn't know any better, I'd say that you've been studying me."

"At every waking moment, and sometimes in my dreams," Remus quipped.

"I do so hope they are naughty dreams," Sirius said.

Remus sighed. "What did I say about the sex jokes?"

"I can't repeat it exactly, but I do remember my opinion on the matter," Sirius said. "Perhaps I should be clearer. No way in blazing blue hell."

Remus couldn't help but smile slightly, but he also couldn't help but be exasperated by Sirius. Then again, what else was new? "Look, either way, your fidgeting is making me anxious, so why don't we rehearse this grand masterpiece and give you something to do?"

Sirius hesitated, which Remus found odd. He was about to ask if Sirius were feverish or possessed or something else horrifying, but he nodded in assent before Remus could do so. Remus sat up on the bed to make room for Sirius, who kept a curious amount of distance between himself and Remus. It was something else that Remus couldn't help but attribute to their argument the day before, and it worried him.

Still, Sirius was the consummate performer, so whatever problem he seemed to have with Remus was set aside for the good of the prank. Remus didn't want to think about how things would be if Sirius didn't have this notion of banding together for the greater good at exacting revenge on James. He didn't want to, but he did and that did nothing to improve his mood.

_"Why, Remus!"_ Sirius began theatrically, complete with exaggerated facial expressions and a pearl clutch. _"You look positively green! Is something wrong? Are you worried about seeing James?"_

Remus, who was still not pleased that he had to be the one to confess to Sirius, but who did acknowledge Sirius's point about it not making sense otherwise, cleared his throat and spoke. _"Oh, I wish it were that simple, Padfoot."_

_"Moony, tell me what's wrong! You're worrying me,"_ Sirius said in a tone that made Remus wonder how he resisted the urge to shake him.

_"There's something that I've been wanting to confess for some time, Sirius,"_ Remus said in what he thought was a tragic tone of voice. _"But I've been afraid."_

_"Of me?"_ Sirius asked.

Remus nodded. _"Of you."_

_"Moony, that's ridiculous!" _Sirius cried. _"You know that you can tell me anything. You are my BEST MATE after all."_

Remus gave him a look at his very obvious inflection, but went on. _"What I have to say to you may change how you feel about me."_

_"Never!"_ Sirius said, shaking his head emphatically. _"Nothing could ever change that!"_

_"Oh, I fear this might."_

_"I highly doubt that."_

_"No!"_ Remus insisted. _"No, you'll never be able to look me in the face again. Not after I tell you."_

_"I won't believe that,"_ Sirius said._ "I won't."_

_"Oh, but you will,"_ Remus intoned gravely._ "You will."_

_"Just tell me what's wrong, Moony. I'll decide how I feel about it."_

Remus made a few noises that could have been the start of sentences, but he never actually managed to form words from it. After a moment, he scoffed and said, _"No. It's no use. I'll never be able to tell you. Never, never, never!"_

_"Remus, you can't just say you have something to tell me and then not tell me!"_ Sirius shouted.

_"But I should never have told you that I had something to tell you because I should have known that I would never work up the courage to tell you what I wanted to tell you in the first place," _Remus said. He paused, frowning. "It is so very clear that you wrote that sentence."

"Silence!" Sirius bellowed. "There will be no breaking character!"

Remus rolled his eyes. "All right then. It's your line."

Sirius glared. "Well, your character breaking made me lose my place. Thanks a lot, **Moony**."

Remus pointed to the spot in the script where they had left off.

Sirius cheered instantly. "Thanks a lot, Moony!" he said with an entirely different inflection. Then he darkened and got back into character, picking it up. _"But now you have me worried, Moony. How am I supposed to deal with James and Peter and Lily when I am worrying about your well-being? Don't you want this horrendous feud to be over and done with?"_

_"More than anything," _Remus said, feigning earnestness. Then he paused, though not nearly so dramatic as Sirius paused. Remus wasn't even sure how to make a pause of all things dramatic._ "Well, except for one thing."_

_"Does that one thing have anything to do with what it is you want to tell me?"_ Sirius asked.

_"Yes,"_ Remus admitted, though he said nothing more.

_"Speak up, man!"_ Sirius demanded.

Remus made a few more noises. _"I can't. Not with you looking."_

_"Do you want me to look away?"_

_"Yes,"_ Remus said in a tight voice. _"Please."_

Sirius heaved a sigh, but didn't actually look away. After all, then he would be looking in the opposite direction of the script, which would have been the opposite of helpful. _"There. I'm looking away now. Say it."_

Both Remus-in-character and Remus-who-was-seriously-regretting-this-suggestion had a very difficult time saying the next sentence. _"I'm... rather in love with you, Sirius."_

Sirius gasped. _"What did you say?"_

Remus went to say his next line, when he realized Sirius was ad-libbing. "Huh?"

"Say it again," Sirius said casually. "I do so love hearing you say that."

Remus reached over and thumped Sirius on the arm. "What happened to no breaking character?"

"What happened to no hitting the pretty one?" Sirius asked, rubbing his shoulder. "That bloody hurt."

"Just stick to the script," Remus said, gesturing down to the paper.

Sirius looked quite tragic. "Oh, **fine**. Ruin all my fun."

"It was in my oath I took when I became a Prefect. 'To uphold the law and ruin all of the fun Sirius Black might ever have,'" Remus informed him solemnly. "I really have no choice in the matter."

Sirius glared, but rather than say one of the thirteen perfectly witty comebacks he no doubt had prepared already, he turned back to the script. _"You're in love with me?"_ he asked, his voice climbing an octave.

_"Rather,"_ Remus said.

_"I suppose there have been signs,"_ Sirius admitted. _"You were always right there behind me when I turned around... Right beside me when I needed a friend... Right in front of me to defend me from all naysayers."_ He paused. "You know, according to this, loving me is a bit like stalking me, isn't it?"

Remus shrugged. "Well, if James's pursuit of Lily was my only example."

Sirius nodded. "Right."

Remus cleared his throat and began again. _"I had hoped that I wasn't obvious. I never intended for you to know."_

_"Then why tell me now?"_ Sirius asked.

_"Because..."_ Remus started, looking rather pained. _"I find that I can't contain myself or my... passions any longer."_

Sirius glared. "You look like you're going to gag."

"That's what I'm usually afraid of when we reach this point," Remus said. "I don't know why, but the idea of my lust for you being out of control isn't appealing to me."

"I should expect this from a man who folds his underwear," Sirius said. "It suggests chaos, and you get all hot and bothered for order. It's sickening really."

Remus narrowed his eyes. "I do not get hot and--"

"But do try to keep the face making to a minimum," Sirius interrupted. "You are ruining my ego."

"You see, when you say that, it makes me want to keep doing it," Remus observed.

It was Sirius's turn to swipe at Remus, though he missed as Remus had been expecting it. He decided to let it go and continued. _"I wish I had known you felt that way sooner."_

_"Why is that?"_ Remus asked.

_"Because..." _Sirius actually made his lower lip tremble. _"I have loved you from afar as well."_

Remus gasped. _"You have?"_

Sirius nodded._ "I have."_

_"But..."_ Remus sputtered. _"The women! The seemingly endless list of women! It doesn't make sense!"_

_"They were merely placating me before I was able to claim my one true love."_

_"I don't believe it,"_ Remus said in mock disbelief.

_"Believe it,"_ Sirius said._ "And then... kiss me you fool!"_

Remus set the paper down, shaking his head. "I am still amazed that you talked me into that line."

"It was either that or 'show me your rod of fire,'" Sirius reminded him.

"Brilliant prose there, mate," Remus amended, smirking.

Sirius nodded graciously. "And then we... Excuse me, I make a lot of inappropriate noises because you've decided to go all prudish about it," Sirius said, rolling his eyes.

"I agreed to bang the bed against the wall, didn't I?" Remus asked.

"That is the one thing that spares you from being disowned, I'll have you know," Sirius informed him. "Anyway, then James and the idiot brigade burst in to find us completely normal, and I rub it in their faces for ages and ages," Sirius said, seeming content.

"Right," Remus said, sighing a bit.

"I can't wait to see the look on James's face when he sees that he's been had," Sirius continued, growling a bit. "I've dreamt of it you know. But I think the reality will be much, much better."

Remus's shoulders sagged, still convinced that Sirius's anger with James was no coupled with his anger with Remus, though he was at a loss at how to fix either one. "I'm sure."

Sirius looked over at Remus and, noticing his dismal posture, ruffled his hair a bit. "Don't sulk. The only one allowed to sulk is me. I'm the only one that makes it look sexy."

Remus forced a smile, though it fell considerably short of expectations.

Sirius frowned. "What is the matter with you today? This is supposed to be our day of triumph, but you've been all moody. And none of them have been good moods."

Remus looked down, swallowing. It was life imitating art, though not in a very literal way. He hadn't intended on confronting Sirius with this, but he was right.  
Remus had been irritable all day, and it was refusing to go away. It was just nagging at him and nagging at him, and if he didn't ask Sirius about it, he was going to go positively mad.

"Can I ask you something?" Remus asked.

Sirius looked at him suspiciously. "You're going to ask me about my feelings. Aren't you?"

Remus, who was getting rather irritated with being incessantly compared to a woman, looked up and said, "Are you angry with me?"

Sirius blinked. "Am I what?"

"Angry," Remus reiterated. "With me."

Sirius stared for a moment before shaking his head and looking away. "Why are you asking me this?"

"I just want to know if I've done something," Remus said. "The way you're acting makes me think that I have."

"The way I'm acting?" Sirius repeated.

"You've been acting odd as well," Remus maintained.

"If I've been acting strangely, it has been in response to your weird non-Moonyness," Sirius insisted. "But I do not think I've been acting strangely."

"Aside from the fidgeting?" Remus asked.

"Would you lay off that already?" Sirius said, his tone a bit harsher than he probably intended.

Remus sighed. "Sirius, I... I can tell when you're upset."

"Another werewolf thing?" Sirius asked.

Remus shrugged as he wasn't entirely sure. "Maybe. I can't smell it or anything. I just notice it is all."

"And you think I'm angry with you because of that?" Sirius said.

"Yes," Remus answered. "And your hostility, contrary to what you might think, is actually doing nothing to alleviate that suspicion."

"I don't know why you'd think I'd be angry with you," Sirius said in a voice that was deceptively casual. "It isn't like you kept any important information from me like... that time you had sex."

Remus threw his hands up in the air. "Oh, for the love of--"

"Nope," Sirius said loudly. "You'd never do a thing like that."

"I'm sorry, didn't we have this argument yesterday?" Remus asked, all but jumping off the bed.

"We did," Sirius said in a tight voice, following. "And you were just as evasive yesterday."

"Because it is none of your business!" Remus said loudly, very much wanting tear Sirius into several pieces. He wasn't usually driven to anger so quickly, but Sirius knew exactly what buttons to push to illicit these reactions out of him. Not to mention, even though he had had a feeling that yesterday's issue wasn't resolved, he had (rather foolishly) not expected Sirius to want to rehash the whole argument. He really should have known better.

"Your being a werewolf wasn't my business either, but you told me that, didn't you?" Sirius countered.

"No, I didn't!" Remus said. "You and James snuck around and pieced it together behind my back."

"But when we asked you, 'Remus, do you have a tendency to turn into a murderous beast that could kill us all as easily as you tear paper in half when the full moon comes out,' you admitted it. You didn't even hesitate," Sirius pointed out.

"If I had known the day would come when you would want to know every detail of my existence, I probably would not have been as forthcoming," Remus said.

Sirius looked at Remus for a moment, glaring. Remus was almost foolish enough to think that he was going to let the subject drop when he said, "I don't see why you are making such a production out of this. I just want to know who the hell it is."

"Why are you so caught up in this? It doesn't matter who it was. It didn't even matter to me at the time. I just..." Remus trailed off, shaking his head. "You were an idiot and I was upset and I just wanted to forget about you and the fight and Snape for a few hours," Remus snapped, having lost all patience with this. "Your goal in life has always been to avoid being forgotten, and you can rest assured that you've done a damn good job of it."

"What are you talking about?" Sirius countered, still sour.

"Even when I wanted to hate you, even when I wanted to forget that you existed, I could not get you and your songs and your monologues out of my head," Remus ranted, wondering if he would have sounded as mad as he thought he did to someone not involved in the conversation. "No matter what I did that summer, it was like you were sitting there with your stupid grin on your face, teasing me about how I tie my shoes or how I'm always reading or how I resemble a woman with my mood swings and my time of the month and all that other rubbish you say. So, I had... **sex** to try and get rid of you. It didn't work, and it was rather painful, and I am in no hurry to repeat it. Though if I do, I can guarantee that you will not be the first one to know about it."

Sirius scowled. "I didn't ask for a monologue, Moony. I just want to know her name."

Remus was very glad that he could not become a wolf voluntarily because he would have been sorely tempted at that moment to do so. "I don't know why you are so obsessed about this! I told you yesterday. You don't know him."

It took him precisely ten seconds to realize what he'd just said. He first saw the strange look Sirius was giving him, no longer self-righteous but merely confused.  
Then he went over the last few moments in his head, and came to the inevitable conclusion. He was a complete idiot.

Remus closed his eyes, shoulders sagging in defeat. "Oh... _hell_."

"I'm sorry," Sirius said, his voice sounding very odd. "Did you say... 'him'?"

Remus often wished that he could turn into a puddle at will so that he could slink off into the cracks in the floor or just evaporate from existence. Never before had he so intensely wished for that power.

But he knew that he wouldn't suddenly transfigure himself into water, and there was no hoping for it. All he could do answer the question.

"Yes," Remus finally admitted, putting his hand on the bed post and hanging on so tightly that he knew he could have snapped it in half with a flick of his wrist.  
"I did."

Sirius, Remus decided, had been wrong. In this case, death was infinitely preferable to the alternative.

Coming Soon - Part Ten: Fumbling Towards Ecstasy


	11. Part Ten: Fumbling Toward Ecstasy

All Kidding Aside  
Part Ten: Fumbling Toward Ecstasy  
11/12  
by Kihin Ranno

Sirius stared. He couldn't help it. He wouldn't have been surprised if Remus later told him that he had gaped and stammered and drooled a bit in the few brief seconds of silence that passed between them. Sirius thought that his reaction was only natural after Remus, the incredibly careful Remus, who always, always thought about what he was going to say before he said it, had accidentally admitted something Sirius had never expected to hear.

"You..." Sirius began slowly, trying to wrap his head around it. "You had... sex."

"I believe we've exhausted that point beyond _ad nauseum_," Remus muttered, his voice very tight.

Sirius nodded dumbly, his brain unable to comprehend enough to make a smart comeback. He merely blinked very slowly and added, "With a bloke."

"Yes," Remus answered, waving his hands sharply. "Yes, I had sex with a bloke."

Sirius blinked again at the same time, three times, ensuring that almost a full minute of silence weighed in one them. He was trying very, very hard to understand all of this. He shook his head and said, "I'm sorry, could you repeat that?"

Remus clearly looked like he wanted to break something in half. "You know exactly what I said, Sirius! You just mumbled it a moment ago."

"You know very well that my mouth has a tendency to... do things without my brain's permission," Sirius responded, his mind slowly catching up with everything else that was going on.

Remus exhaled quickly. "Here I thought you were showing restraint."

Sirius shook his head, laughing quietly as though he might become hysterical. "No. Actually, I think I might be in shock."

Remus nodded. Well, he didn't so much as nod as allow his head to convulse uncontrollably so that it looked like he was nodding. In all actuality, he was probably just trying to prevent from exploding. "Wonderful," he hissed. "I have discovered the one thing that renders Sirius Black speechless. Isn't that just.  
fan-**fucking**-tastic."

He would have very much liked to have protested the idea that he was speechless, but he found that Remus's bringing it up had actually made the turn of phrase literal. Sirius knew he should probably say something supportive, or at least say something amusing to lighten the mood, but he found that any time he tried to do so, his tongue rebelled. He could not so much as create a syllable that sounded remotely like something coming from the English language, much less come up with something witty enough to heal all wounds.

Remus hung his head, his jaw clenching enough so that Sirius saw several veins making themselves visible on his temple. "You hate me now," Remus said with such certainty that Sirius almost responded in an affirmative out of habit. "Don't you?"

Sirius pondered this for a moment, opening his mouth and letting it hang. Then he cleared his throat and said, "I wouldn't say that... exactly."

"Once the shock wears off then," Remus muttered miserably. "Then you're going to hate me."

Sirius just laughed again, infuriating himself with his own silence.

"Well, there's your wonderful detail, Sirius," Remus ranted, his voice sounding as though it couldn't decide between controlled anger or slightly insane raving. "You wanted to know, and now you know, and now you are going to hate me just as soon as you regain cognitive ability." He turned his head and looked Sirius directly in the eye, the suddenness of the movement making Sirius jump slightly. "Well, we might as well have this all out then. If you're going to hate me, you may as well hate me thoroughly."

"O...kay?" Sirius said, wondering if perhaps his brain had seeped out of his ears at some point during the conversation.

Remus took a deep breath and began. "I am an idiot." His voice was now very controlled, apparently preferring that to raving like a madman. This choice did nothing but assure Sirius that at some point during the conversation, Remus Lupin would completely lose his mind. "I am a great, thumping idiot, and I am also a huge poufter. Yes. I said it. It's true. I said it out loud and now I can't take it back, but we might as well make my humiliation complete, right?"

"Umm..." Sirius stammered, wanting to hit himself or ask Remus to hit him so that he could snap out of it. "Right?"

"I was so stupid!" Remus repeated, genuinely upset with himself. His hands were clenched so tightly that Sirius was beginning to think that his fingers might push through the flesh and come out on the other side of his palm. "And so I vowed that I was never going to be that stupid ever again. I wasn't even going to acknowledge my former stupidity."

Sirius was about to ask just what Remus was going on about, when Remus started talking again. "You know, it's amazing what you can avoid thinking about," Remus said quickly. "The human mind can compartmentalize so thoroughly that you can almost force yourself to forget the moments in your life when you were a roaring idiot. Like Fifth Year. Most of that year is a complete blur to me because I completely ignore that it ever happened. I have repressed most of it, although now talking it is bringing it back in slightly horrifying clarity."

"Sorry," Sirius said, doubting that he sounded at all sympathetic.

Remus looked at him again, showing no reaction to what Sirius had just said. It was probably just as well. "Do you know why I was so upset when you nearly murdered Snape in Fifth Year?"

Sirius shrugged stupidly. "Because if you'd actually eaten him you would have been executed and possibly tortured and any hope for werewolves ever being considered free citizens would have been smashed as thoroughly as Snape's greasy skull?"

"Yes!" Remus said. "But that wasn't the only reason."

"Oh," Sirius said neutrally. He had always assumed that imminent death had been more than enough reason for the five or so months of silence and hatred. Apparently, he hadn't been nearly as clever as he thought.

Remus then started to pace, but Sirius noticed that his legs weren't quite bending the right way. The result was that he looked a bit like a very wimpy Nazi, and Sirius would have found it hilarious if it hadn't been so very disturbing. "The other reason was because that was when I was thinking that... you were... and I was..." Remus squeezed his eyes shut and apparently decided to move on with the monologue.

"When I came back from that... bloody horrible summer, I told myself that I was not going to beat you senseless nor I was I going to... do... anything else that could have possibly left you senseless." He looked over at Sirius, perhaps looking for comprehension and, finding none, he moved on. "I would merely force things to be normal. I would tell you that everything was fine, that I was going to forget about that little incident, and we were going to move on with our lives." Remus glared and spoke with a surprising amount of bitterness. "Of course, then you had to give me that absolutely endless hug. The first day of my new resolve, and I have Sirius Black draped over me like a curtain or something. I have never been so relieved to have James tackle me in my life, but don't tell him that. He'll likely take it the wrong way."

Sirius knew that he was fixating on the wrong points of that speech, but he couldn't help it. "Draped over you like a curtain?"

Remus started to turn a very light shade of pink. "Admittedly, I have come up with better similes, but could you please focus on what I'm trying to tell you?"

Sirius nodded. "As soon as I figure out what that is."

As soon as he said that, Sirius realized that this was the moment of explosion.

"I have been trying to tell you that I was ignoring the fact that I liked you quite a bit more than I think I'm supposed to!" Remus said loudly, making both of them very glad that the tower was empty. "I am a boy-loving, limp-wristed poufter, and I am ridiculously attracted to you!"

Sirius was very sure that he either wanted to start laughing or commit suicide. Being the one to always advise against the latter, he choose the former and began to giggle uncontrollably.

Remus didn't seem to notice. "And you have not been helping with your jokes and your your hanging all over me and moaning while writhing on top of me and this bloody prank!" Remus shook his head tragically. "I don't know where my brain decided to vacation that morning. It seemed like such a good idea until last night when I was in the middle of wondering why you were so upset about the thing that happened in the library and I suddenly realized what I had done. Aren't I supposed to be the smart one? When did I stop being the smart one? And why are you laughing? This isn't something you should be laughing about. You need to either hate me or... not laugh."

Sirius quickly realized that Remus had started babbling at some point in the middle of that tirade, and he decided that he couldn't allow that to go on any longer. Without putting any more of that pesky thought into what he was doing, he hooked an arm around Remus's neck and yanked him forward mid-ramble. He effectively cut him off by kissing him full on the mouth, something he'd been wanting to do for at least the past two years.

At first, Remus seemed frozen. Then his lips sort of wobbled like he might be thinking about kissing Sirius back, but in the end, he didn't. He finally decided that the best course of action was to pull away and try to sort everything out.

"Well, at least you stopped talking," Sirius decided, wiping his mouth indelicately and feeling relieved that he was coherent again.

"Oh," Remus said, his voice somewhat high. He stared at Sirius, now wearing the exact expression Sirius had been expressing for the past ten minutes or so. "Did you... I mean was that... Are you...?"

"I'm pretty sure it's a resounding 'yes' to all of the above," Sirius said, hoping that he at least appeared suave and not as awkward as he actually felt.

Remus continued gaping. "But... But this doesn't make sense."

Sirius grinned. "Moony, since when does anything I do make sense?"

Remus had to concede that point. "But this makes... less sense than usual. This doesn't even seem like it's in the realm of possibility."

"I exist in all realms of possibility," Sirius said sagely, belatedly realizing that this sentence really did nothing but bolster Remus's idea that Sirius Black had lost his mind.

Thankfully, he didn't dwell on that. "So... that thing," he started.

"The kiss?" Sirius asked, shifting a bit.

"Yes," Remus said. "That... actually happened."

Sirius nodded. "I would say so."

"And you're not... I don't know, planning to push me out the window or perform some prank that is decidedly less painful physically but will likely destroy me emotionally?" Remus asked.

Sirius blinked. "Why would I do that?"

"Why do you do anything, Sirius?" Remus asked.

"I have reasons," Sirius said defensively. "On occasion. Sometimes." He shook his head. "But the point is, why do you think that I'm going to do something like that?"

"Because I have very low self-esteem," Remus admitted somewhat pathetically. "An unfortunate consequence of being a werewolf. And also because... Well, I never thought you'd ever try to bash James's skull in either, but you tried it."

Normally, Sirius probably would have gotten slightly offended by what Remus was telling him even if he was aware that he had a point. However, Sirius had no interest in having another argument with Remus. There were a vast number of things he would rather be doing with Remus at that moment, and fighting was definitely not among them.

"I am not going to scar you physically or emotionally," Sirius said. Then he paused. "At least not on purpose."

Remus still looked utterly befuddled. "And why not?"

"Actions really don't speak louder than words with you, do they?" Sirius asked. "All right, we'll do this your way." Sirius stopped, trying to figure out exactly how to put this. He had rather been hoping not to appear unsure of himself, because Sirius had never been in a situation when he hadn't known what to do. This was uncharted territory, and he absolutely hated it. Finally, he breathed and said, "I do not hate you. In fact, I do the exact opposite. I... like you. Quite a bit. More than I think I'm supposed to." He paused. "Actually, that's probably part of the appeal. Boys don't kiss other boys. I'm amazed that I haven't always been doing this."

Sirius belatedly realized that this was probably the wrong thing to say as he saw Remus's surprised face fading into one a bit closer to despair. He panicked slightly and said, "I was kidding! I was kidding about that! I didn't just do it to piss other people off!"

Remus looked at him, still uncertain. "But you weren't kidding about... liking me."

"No," Sirius insisted. He laughed a bit, wondering if hearts were meant to beat as fast as his was or if this was it felt like to have a heart attack. "I wasn't."

Remus looked like he might almost be tempted to smile. "Oh," he said in a tone of voice that Sirius could not read into, which he found maddening.

Sirius found that he was twitching - not just one body part, but his entire body was twitching - in the silence that followed. His hands jerked and he said, "Well, is that a good 'oh?' A bad 'oh?' Are you going to repress this too? Should I throw myself out the window--"

Sirius was abruptly cut off when Remus practically tackled him, pushing him down on the bed, and kissing him so suddenly and so thoroughly that their teeth were almost knocked out. Sirius then felt quite contented that it had been a good 'oh' and that there would possibly be many good 'ohs' to follow. This made Sirius very happy (as well as another 'h' word) and so he was more than willing to comply with Remus's non-verbal request.

Several minutes later, Sirius pulled away in a manner that Remus seemed rather annoyed about and panted, "You do realize of course that we can never get married."

Remus merely stared, almost giving Sirius the opportunity to clarify, but Remus seemed to regain his senses in time to prevent that from happening. "Sirius there is something I have been wanting to say to you for some time now, and I finally have the nerve now that your saliva is in my mouth."

Sirius wrinkled his nose at Remus's crudeness. "Must you speak of it so clinically? It's kissing, Moony, something that is very pleasant, and you are making it unpleasant. I find this very off-putting, and demand that you--"

Before Sirius could go on (and on and on and on), Remus leaned in and all but growled, "Shut the fuck up."

And Sirius did finally stop talking and began doing something much more pleasant, wondering why he didn't listen to Remus more often.

-----

"James, if you don't hurry up, I'm going to levitate you the rest of the way."

Lily was very annoyed with her boyfriend as well as with her boyfriend's current best and only mate. Neither one of them was making their way towards Gryffindor Tower with any kind of anticipation or urgency, and it was beginning to irritate her. She found herself wishing that she was strong enough to physically drag them up the stairs as that would have been rightfully painful, but levitating would do if it came to that.

"I do not understand why you're not more excited about this, James," Lily said. "Sirius is actually offering you an olive branch."

"I know," James said sourly, his arms folded across his chest. "I don't trust him."

Lily rolled her eyes. "James, not everything Sirius does is a conspiracy against you."

James stared at her as if she had just announced that a second head was about to grow out of her backside. "Have you even met the man?"

Peter nodded frantically beside him. "James is right. Sirius has to be planning something."

Lily put her hand on her hip. "If you thought that, then why did you practically come skipping back after seeing him, shouting about how everything was going to be all right again?"

Peter shifted uncomfortably, looking down. "That was before James told me that Sirius must be trying to trick us."

"Have you ever considered that James might be wrong?" Lily asked.

Peter went absolutely ashen and James had to reach out to steady him. He looked over at Lily, frowning. "You should know better than to say such things in front of the boy. He's in a very fragile state of mind right now."

Peter nodded pathetically. "I'm allowed of course. Seeing as Sirius is going to kill me."

"And humiliate me," James added tragically. "Actually, he might kill Peter by humiliating me. Watching my seemingly endless fall from grace may just do him in."

Lily wondered if throttling him really would have been considered a crime once she explained it to the proper authorities. "Peter would not die from seeing you get knocked off your broomstick."

Peter was unconvinced. "Actually, I was pretty close to it the other day at Quidditch practice, though I don't know what you're on about Lily. James isn't on a--"

"It was a metaphor," Lily interrupted, amazed at her composure.

Peter looked confused for a moment and then nodded, comprehending.

"Metaphor or no, we are doomed," James said darkly. "Doomed to death and humiliation. Not necessarily in that order."

Peter's lower lip trembled. "I was so hoping that I wouldn't die until after I had my growth spurt."

James looked at Peter sadly and clapped him on the back. "Sorry, mate. Looks like you'll be short and lumpy for all eternity."

"They'll mistake me for the Fat Friar," Peter muttered despondently. "I just know it."

"No one is going to mistake you for the Fat Anything because you are not going to die," Lily insisted.

"But Lily, why else would Sirius set up an assigned meeting time for these peace talks or whatever it is he's calling them?" James asked, shaking his head. "I'm telling you, he has something planned."

"He's going to kill us all," Peter whimpered. He looked up at Lily, glaring and sniffling, making his expression highly ineffectual. "This is all your fault. You're the one who had to ask them about it in the first place."

James nodded and took Lily's hand earnestly, making her think that he was being the slightest bit sincere about all of this. "They'll probably go for you first. But don't worry, Lily. I'll protect you."

Lily couldn't help but smile a it at that, even if was a bit morbid. "I'd thank you if you weren't being so stupid."

"You're welcome," James answered, bowing his head.

"You won't go quickly," Peter muttered, perhaps thinking that James and Lily couldn't hear him even though he was standing no more than a meter away from them. "They'll make sure of that. At least that's comforting."

Lily stared at him in disbelief. "Peter, that's--"

"Probably true," James interrupted. When Lily gave him a completely shocked look, he shrugged and said, "I'm sorry, Lily, but it is. Once I valiantly lay my life down for you, they'll probably tie Peter up and make him watch while they torture you to death. There's nothing to be done about it."

Lily pulled her hand away, deciding that James was cut off from all physical contact with her for the rest of the day. "Remus wouldn't torture me. He likes me."

"Until you accused him and his boyfriend of being fairies," Peter pointed out.

"According to you, they are... that way, so why would they want to kill me for bringing it up?" Lily asked, failing to see Peter's incredibly flawed logic as usual.

And as usual, Peter could not understand why Lily couldn't understand. "Because they were in the closet, Lily, and they didn't want anyone to know."

Lily wondered if banging her head against a wall would make the pain stop. "If they were in the closet, why would they constantly make jokes about sleeping together?"

"To throw us off the track!" Peter insisted.

"But I never would have suspected anything if they hadn't been making those jokes," Lily said, her the volume of her voice increasing at the same rate that she felt her brain decreasing in size.

Peter shook his head and said, "But they never would have needed to make the jokes if they weren't together in the first place."

Lily did not know how she kept from murdering Peter on the spot. She shut her eyes and flung her arms about a bit, causing both the boys to jump back in case she was making a move to punch them. The memories and the scars of youth were still fresh. "You are both being idiotic," Lily snapped, her voice sounding a bit shrill. "Peter, Sirius is not going to kill you, me, James, or anyone else. James, this might just be some terrible trap, but if it is a terrible trap that will somehow result in all of you getting back together, then I don't really care if you're humiliated."

James looked like he was about to pout. "But Lily--"

"I don't care, James!" she repeated. "I feel guilty enough about this whole mess as it is, and I am tired of just sitting around and watching it get worse and watching you mope and watching Peter slowly teeter between delightfully mad and certifiably insane." She stepped forward and cupped her hands around James's face and said, I just want you to play horrible, disgusting pranks and turn Severus upside down and wreak havoc on other people again."

James leaned back and said, "Who are you and what have you done with my Lily?"

"James, I'm serious!" Lily shouted, pushed to her limit.

Peter leapt behind James, his face white. "It's Sirius! He's murdered Lily already and used her hair from her corpse to make Polyjuice Potion and now he's going to kill us both!" Lily could have sworn she saw tears gather in eyes as he wailed, "Sirius, I don't want to die! James is a horrible person for saying that to you, and I'll hate him if you want me to! I'll hold him down while you stab him! I'll laugh as he takes his last breath! I'll do anything you ask! Please, please just don't kill me!"

James glared over his shoulder and said, "You know, if you were going to offer to take part in my murder, perhaps you should have waited until I wasn't shielding you from certain doom."

Peter looked between James and Lily(/Sirius), perspiration appearing on his forehead. He gulped loudly and squeaked, "You're both pretty?"

Lily decided it was best to intervene before another argument would ensue. "I am not Sirius, Peter! I'm Lily! I just meant that I was being... Well, I mean that I wasn't... Oh, for pity's sake. I don't care anymore! You four are going to make up and possibly kiss if you have to, but I am through with this!"

With that, Lily finished the climb and stomped down the hallway like a holy terror. She heard James and Peter coming after her, though it sounded like Peter was being dragged as he wasn't convinced that Lily was not in fact Sirius come to murder them in a terrible and painful fashion. Once satisfied that Peter's whimpering was close enough for he and James to be near, she turned the doorknob and opened the door to the boys' dormitory room.

-----

It was at that moment that they heard a shriek entirely too high-pitched to be male.

Remus pulled away sharply and said, "We didn't lock the door."

Sirius would have liked to argue that it was not in the original plan to lock the door, but there were far more pressing issues at hand. Like the fact that James and Lily were staring at them and that Peter had passed out at their feet.

"My God," Lily forced out, absolutely oogling.

Remus rolled off from on top of Sirius, muttering, "Oh, peachy."

Sirius looked over at the door, thinking that this was probably the sort of thing most people got embarrassed about. Remus seemed to be more than a little mortified, but it didn't take much to get him to that state. Sirius, on the other hand, was really just very annoyed because he did not appreciate being interrupted in the midst of snogging. "Don't you people knock?"

"My God," Lily repeated.

Sirius reached over and poked Remus in the arm. "I think she thinks we're a heavenly vision or something."

"I think I would like to throw _myself_ out the window," Remus said.

"I don't believe this," James said, still not noticing that one of his friends had fainted dead away. He had a very strange look on his face, like he was trying to scowl at them. However, Sirius could also see that his shoulders were shaking slightly. "You... You were... There were tongues and… Your lips were—EVERYWHERE--"

"Does he always kill the mood like this, Lily?" Sirius asked suddenly.

"You are shagging!" James accused, trying to decide whether to fall down laughing or be outraged.

"Well, not now," Sirius muttered irritably, tossing his bangs with dignity.

"And not at the time," Remus insisted hurriedly, not wanting to get caught in any more feuds.

Sirius shook his head. "No, then Remus was secretly pining for me--"

"I am going to hurt you once this is over," Remus assured Sirius.

Sirius pondered this statement for a minute. "You know, there are a great many jokes I can make out of you saying that, but it's almost too easy."

"You're almost too easy," Remus muttered.

"Oh, Peter!" Lily shouted, just noticing the fallen boy. She knelt down to ensure that he wasn't dead and possibly to try and bring him back around.

"I don't believe this," James repeated, the corners of his mouth twitching violently. "You were snogging! I saw it!"

"Have we given you **nightmares**?" Remus asked loudly, still lying down so that he did not actually have to look at James and Lily.

James straightened, taken off guard. "You heard that?"

Sirius sighed dramatically. "Yes. My big stupid head with my big stupid ears heard every stupid word."

James seemed to have the good grace to be slightly embarrassed, but he was more concerned with other things. "But... that means you must have had the cloak. Why were you using it?"

"Well," Sirius lamented sadly, looking up at the ceiling. "Moony had come up with this bloody brilliant prank in which we would be pretending to do what you so rudely interrupted only to have you burst in and see that we were doing no such thing. At which point we would laugh in your faces and fun would be had by us."

James whistled in admiration. "That is brilliant, Moony."

"Thank you," Remus called politely from where he was still hiding his face. "Could the lot of you drop dead now? Please?"

James wisely chose to ignore him. "But then you... actually wound up..."

Sirius shrugged. "My charm, it seems, is limitless."

"I am going to hurt you, and you are not going to find a single moment of it enjoyable," Remus ground out.

Sirius reached over and patted him. "Of course not, Lover."

"Oh, shut up!"

Now James did burst out laughing, bending over and clutching at his sides as if he had just been told the funniest joke ever constructed by man. Sirius could tell that he was having difficulty breathing, and he couldn't help but be proud that he'd been the cause of it. "You found love through the prank! That's... I can't... Hilarious! Absolutely bloody hilarious!"

"I hate you both immensely right now," Remus called out. "Just so you're all aware."

"It was all very moving," Sirius agreed, nodding sagely. "I shall share it with the children I'm never going to have someday. Including the bit about him making me write a script."

James wrinkled his nose, his laughing fit subsiding. He looked in Remus's direction and said, "You turned it into homework?"

Sirius practically leapt up from the bed with joy. "That's what I said!"

James shook his head. "Your boyfriend is very cruel to you, Padfoot. I say you quit while you're ahead."

Sirius raised his eyebrow. "Oh, yeah? Well, I think Lily's about to give Peter mouth to mouth. He'd consider it an overture of affection, you know. And I hear that his arse is rather hypnotic."

"I do think you might have killed him," Lily said, waving at Peter's face in an attempt to wake him up.

"Your love is like poison!" James shouted, pointing a finger at Sirius.

"And yours often makes me gag," Sirius said genially. "So, I'd say we're even."

James looked up, obviously wondering if he was reading too much into that sentence. He lifted his eyebrows and said, "Are we?"

Sirius considered it for a minute. He had rather enjoyed torturing James of course. And he couldn't say that he was entirely happy with their situation. But on the other hand, if James hadn't behaved like a complete prat, he might never have gotten around to kissing Remus. At least not while he was sober.

"Yeah," Sirius decided, nodding. "We are."

And that, as they say, was that.

Coming Soon - Epilogue: Eye of the Wolf


	12. Epilogue: Eye of the Wolf

All Kidding Aside  
Epilogue: Eye of the Wolf  
12/12  
by Kihin Ranno

It was Sunday again, and everyone was walking on the side of the lake. Only this time, Lily was much less distracted, and Sirius had arm around Remus at all times in a much different manner than he usually did. And Remus was, as Sirius had teased him about at length, bouncier. Remus found the descriptor slightly inappropriate as werewolves were not known for their buoyancy, but he accepted it because before 'bouncy' had popped out, Remus had been quite terrified he was going to say 'giddy,' and Remus didn't think either was appropriate. Bouncy just seemed a bit less like something someone would call their giggling, pig-tailed girlfriend, and so Remus found it preferable. But still not appropriate. Frightened and mortified in a more than pleasant way was how Remus thought of it.

He couldn't say that he had ever expected to find himself in his current position. Oh, he'd thought about it of course, late at night when he was almost asleep and the sensible portion of his brain (which was most of it really) was far too tired to yell at the other, impractical portion for daydreaming about Sirius Black. He had attempted to tell himself that it was improper, impossible, and in some circles, immoral, but it didn't stop that impractical sliver of Remus Lupin from thinking, "But what if?"

Remus was glad for that impracticality for the first time in his life. Not that he was going to make a lifestyle out of being impetuous. No, that he would leave up to James and Sirius.

After Lily had come to her senses and drug a giggling James and an unconscious Peter away from their room, and after he and Sirius had a grand time getting reacquainted with one another, Sirius had gone downstairs. Remus had been expecting the two to actually talk out their differences like normal people, but now realized that that must have been the temporary side effect of snogging with Sirius Black for the better part of an hour. In reality, Sirius and James had declared the entire matter resolved by mooning the entire Gryffindor Common Room. A grand time had been had by all.

Except for Peter who had still been unconscious.

At long last, things had returned to normal. Well, as normal as things could be with the Marauders, but the level of obscenity and friendliness was back at its usual spot. This put all of them at ease.

And now the five of them were having the first peaceful moment any of them had managed to have all week. James and Lily were walking alongside Remus and Sirius, talking about complete nonsense that was occasionally interrupted by either Lily or Remus asking James or Sirius respectively to please remove their hands/tongues from various places as they were in public and besides, it tickled. There had been brief discussion of having a contest between who could be more obnoxiously couple-y until Remus pointed out that he and Sirius had no chance of winning.

Though Remus had to say, he was surprised that James and Lily weren't a bit more stand-offish what with Sirius and Remus suddenly becoming a whole different kind of 'Sirius and Remus.' He certainly wouldn't have blamed them if they'd been awkward. He was still awkward, but then, as James had kindly pointed out, he'd always been awkward so that didn't mean much.

In truth, James found the whole thing utterly hilarious. He would still randomly burst out laughing at seemingly random points in the conversation and mumble things about fairies and pranks, confusing anyone who had the misfortune of overhearing. On the other hand, he and Peter now went into the bathroom to change, sending various plots involving public nudity and borderline molestation running through Sirius's head.

Lily was not only relieved to have James cheerful again, but she was also quite smug about her triumph. She'd always hated to be wrong, and though she hadn't exactly been correct about Remus and Sirius at the time, she was now. As far as she was concerned, all was right with the world.

Peter was lagging behind the group, though this was more by choice than circumstance. Where awkwardness lacked with James and Lily, Peter made up for it in spades. Remus didn't find this at all surprising given Peter's penchant for paranoia. He was presumably a little more than terrified that all of the wrestling matches and boyhood scuffles had been nothing more than a chance to feel him up, and he was keeping a considerable distance as a result. Remus thought that he heard Peter occasionally grumbling about people pairing off and leaving him the fifth wheel. He never spoke too loudly for if Sirius overheard, there was a very good chance that Sirius would invite him to join him and Remus for a little "naked fun time." This had happened several times already, and Remus was beginning to think that Sirius was scaring the poor boy away from intimacy for the rest of his days.

It was then that Remus noticed that Sirius had been looking at him for the past few moments, his face set into a scowl. Remus felt himself leaning back, almost recoiling, and saying, "What?"

"You're thinking," Sirius accused, glaring. "No. It's worse. You're contemplating. That's almost as bad as reading."

Remus rolled his eyes slightly. It was this again. "I left the book behind, didn't I?"

"Only because James hexed it to fly around the room," Sirius reminded him, looking over at James. "Which I was about to do, but **someone** had to beat me to the hex."

James dusted off his shoulder proudly, causing Lily to elbow him playfully. "Ow!"he cried, rubbing his ribs. "Watch it, will you? You have bony elbows."

"I bring books everywhere," Remus countered smoothly. "It's like asking you to give up... I don't know, basking in your own greatness or something."

Well, that counter had been less than smooth. It had been quite un-smooth as a matter of fact, but it would do.

"Yes, but books take away precious time for you to bask in my greatness," Sirius insisted, explaining this as if it was simple mathematics. "Books are distracting, and when I do manage to get your attention, you insist on talking about the book, which is just ridiculous. Books are not meant to be talked about. They are meant to be kept on bookshelves, forgotten about, and then sold when we're dead."

"It's a good thing the book isn't here. You'd have hurt its feelings," James said.

"Please, it was Hemingway. It probably just would have shot you," Lily said, making Remus remember why he had liked her in the first place.

"Touchy book," Sirius observed. "Anyway, stop thinking. Things are much more fun when you stop living in your head and come out here with the rest of us. Speaking of which, Peter, stop lollygagging! I don't want to turn my head every time I want to talk to you!"

Peter grumbled about how Sirius hadn't said anything to him yet, but picked up his pace anyway.

"I was reminiscing," Remus corrected, a little exasperated. "And if you make a My-Little-Woman joke, I'll hex you so that you're flying around Hogwarts, and we will all laugh at your great misfortune."

Sirius looked over at James and said, "Does this qualify as an abusive relationship?"

James just laughed, and that earned him another elbow from Lily because she knew why.

They lapsed into a comfortable silence for awhile until Lily spoke up. She looked over at the other pair and said, "So how are you going to handle... things?"

"Oh, you picked an articulate one, Prongs," Sirius teased.

Lily smiled a little. "I mean about other people. Your parents and the other students and... you know. Things."

"Mmm, right. Other people. I always forget about them," Sirius said, stroking his chin thoughtfully.

"You could just kiss him in the Great Hall. That would get the message across," James put forth.

Remus shook his head. "No, it wouldn't. Don't you remember the time he proposed to you in the middle of McGonagall's lecture in Fifth Year? He was so convincing, I almost offered to plan your wedding shower, and I think some people are still quite upset you didn't go through with it."

"You still need to give me the ring back, you know," Sirius said, poking James in the arm.

"Ow!" James hissed, flinching. "What is it with you people and poking me with your bony appendages?"

Sirius and Remus exchanged a meaningful glance, but decided not to risk it when they were within arm's length of Lily (and a little bit of James, but mostly it was about Lily).

"Oh, har har," James groused, not finding what he had said funny because he hadn't meant it.

"Anyway, I say let the rumor mill spread it around if anyone picks up on it," Remus supplied, breaking in before the subject could be changed again. "If they figure it out, so be it, but unlike some people, I don't fancy making myself a spectacle."

"It is true," Sirius said in a voice that suggested he was being profound when really he was just being obnoxious. "Opposites do attract."

"Although I would not object to tell Mrs. Black in order to increase animosity in the household," Remus put in, smiling a bit and wondering if the horrible woman would fall over dead with the news.

Sirius's eyes glittered. "Moony, I was wrong about you. You're evil just like me!"

Remus shrugged humbly. "I do what I can."

"I will have to consider this offer of yours carefully," Sirius said, tapping his chin. "Well, no, that's silly. I'm going to do it. I'm just wondering if it should include a physical demonstration or not."

"Liar," Remus accused. "You're just wondering about the degree of the physical demonstration."

"It's like he's known me forever," Sirius sighed happily, planting a rather slobbery kiss on what looked from a distance like Remus's eye.

"Oh, for the love of--" Remus grumbled, wiping at his entire face with his shirt sleeve.

"You're smiling," Sirius mocked. "I can tell."

"How is it that your mouth always smells like..." he trailed off, remembering Lily. "Bad. Very bad. Very bad and not at all like a dog because there's no reason for it to smell at all like a dog. There's nothing remotely canine about your breath. Nothing at all."

Sirius winked obnoxiously, mouthing the word 'subtle' at him.

"I think you should show up in dragonhide pants and brightly colored shirt," James said loudly, changing the subject to distract a now very confused Lily.

Sirius shrugged and said, "Why don't I just show up in drag?" Sirius paused and then shook his head. "No. No, she might accidentally mistake me for a real woman, and then there'd be no point to it. I mean, I'm just so damn pretty, you know?"

"Poor you," Lily drawled.

"A brightly colored vinyl shirt," James insisted. "That will kill her and without masking your identity."

"That sounds awfully painful," Lily voiced, frowning as if she was imagining the uncomfortable chafing.

"You wear silly shoes for beauty. I wear leather pants for ruining my mother's life," Sirius said in a dreamy voice. "We're really not so different, you know."

"It should be pink," James continued, as if he had not noticed this exchanged. "Or maybe just flowery. I don't know, something clichéd and obnoxious."

"James, focus," Remus instructed, trying to keep from grinning. "We've all met Sirius. We're trying to decide what he's going to wear."

Sirius glared and tapped Remus's nose. "Well, no groping for you for another ten minutes at least."

Before the conversation could be redirected and any more plans on this new idea could be made, the four heard a yelp behind them. The Giant Squid had once again reached out through the holes on top of the ice on the lake and was waving about in Peter's direction as if it was attempting to grab him. He leapt back, bumping into James, who kept him from falling. Peter didn't move for awhile, looking as if he very much wanted to stand behind James, shouting the words 'hide me' at the top of his voice.

After Peter had managed to disentangle himself from James and the squid had gone about its fishy business, Lily put her hands on her hips, shaking her head in a manner that Remus thought was almost matronly, though he silently thought that any children of hers should be pitied and not allowed near her when she was in her monthly moods. "Honestly, Peter, I don't understand it. Every time we get near this lake, the Squid tries to grab you. If I didn't know better, I'd say it had some strange fondness for you."

The words had scarcely left her mouth when Sirius and James exchanged a very furtive glance. Their eyes and lips when all maniacal, which made Peter instantly nervous. Remus decided that it was best that he got out of the way lest anything unfortunate that was about to happen to Peter accidentally happened to him.

"Why, Petey!" Sirius chorused, folding his arms across his chest. "I am surprised at you! Nay, shocked and amazed!"

James nodded in agreement. "One might even say thunderstruck."

"But that's really only because thunderstruck is a very funny word," Sirius supplied, his voice a little rushed.

"Well, yes, of course. I didn't think that needed to be pointed out," James agreed.

Sirius shook his head in a manner befitting someone of his former social stature. "No, funny words must always be pointed out in case some unfunny person is unaware of their funniness."

"My, that would be tragic," James said, looking a little sad.

"Wouldn't it, though?" Sirius said with a series of unnecessary gestures and nods.

"You're quite right. They must always be pointed out," James said fervently.

Sirius clapped his hands together. "Excellent! Now that we have that all straightened out..." Sirius whirled back to Peter, pointing his finger so sharply that Peter gave a little squeak. "Surprised, shocked, amazed, and thunderstruck!" He paused. "At you!" He paused again and Remus was beginning to wonder if there was something stuck in his throat and if he could creatively dislodge it without choking him, and then he felt very, very embarrassed and returned to the topic at hand. "Peter Pettigrew!"

Peter's eyes darted about frantically, unsure of what he was supposed to do. So, he relied on manners. "Umm... Sorry?"

"There will be no forgiving this!" James roared, tucking his head so that he shortened his neck, almost looking like a lion with his wild hair sticking up every which way. "It is terrible grievance that none shall ever forget or forgive!"

Peter went white as a sheet, frantic to find out how he could make it up to them and just what he had done in the first place. "I'm sorry! Really, I am!"

"As you should be!" Sirius said in a stage whisper dripping with disgust. "Imagine! Carrying on an affair with the Giant Squid all this time and not telling us!"

"I--" Peter stopped before he continued that sentence and blinked very slowly. Then he shook his head until the movement traveled down his entire body and shouted,"WHAT!"

James shook his head in disappointment. "And to think I once saw him as a little brother. Now he's off water-bedding squids."

Sirius laughed. "Heh. Water-bedding. That's good."

James nodded. "I rather thought so."

Lily rolled her eyes. "Oh, you're both ghastly."

"I was going to go with terrible, but I like yours better," Remus drawled. "Really, must you two go on about things like this? I've been having to hear about Sirius and everyone's mother all week. Now I have to listen bestiality?"

James rounded on Sirius, his eyes narrowed. "Were you on about my mum and the nightie again?"

Sirius rolled his eyes and gestured to Peter. "Prongs, I need you to concentrate. Peter is having sex with a squid!"

Peter looked as if he might be sick all over himself at any moment. "I am not! That's... disgusting! You're disgusting!"

"No, Petey-Boy," James said, shaking his head. "_You're_ disgusting."

"That is why we're mocking you," Sirius added. "Because of your ickiness."

Remus shook his head. "I still prefer ghastly."

"But-But-But..." Peter stuttered, shaking a little. "But it has eight legs or whatever! That's like... with a spider or something! A big spider! It's like with a big wet spider, and I would never do anything with a big wet spider!"

"Actually, it's a squid, so it has ten, and they're called tentacles, Peter," Remus said sagely.

Peter looked stricken. "It's WORSE than a big wet spider! Ten tentacles! AGH!"

Remus glanced over at Sirius who seemed poised to speak. "Please do not make the obvious joke, Sirius. It's beneath you."

Sirius pouted, but he did not make the obvious joke.

"Obvious joke?" James asked. "Oh, you mean about the testicles!"

Sirius snorted with laughter and clapped his best mate on the back. "Always knew I could count on you, Prongs!"

Remus shook his head. "New depths, James."

"Ghastly," Lily reiterated.

"Anyway," Sirius pronounced, puffing out his chest with importance. "Due to this new discovery, I'm afraid that Prongs and I have no choice but to drive you into the lake."

Peter made another strange sound before actual making words. "You're going to do what?"

"Drive you into the lake," James repeated. "We don't have torches or pitchforks, but we have our wands and our manliness."

"Oh, rubbish," Lily muttered, though she didn't do anything to help Peter.

"I SHALL STRIP YOU NAKED AND SEND YOU DOWN TO THE SQUID'S WATERY BOWER!" Sirius bellowed.

Remus's lips twitched in response to Sirius blatantly stealing his material. He immediately set himself to coming up with sufficient punishment, which would likely involve the nearest closet they could find.

"What the bloody fuck is a watery bower!" Peter shouted frantically as he continued running for his life.

"Kissing Moony is like learning through osmosis!" Sirius chorused. "I'll never have to study again!"

"You don't study now!" James yelled as he matched Sirius stride for stride.

"Poppycock, drivel, and claptrap!" Sirius said, although probably because he found all of those words to be secretly inappropriate, though not even the words themselves knew about it.

"STOP USING WORDS THAT MAKE MY BRAIN HURT!"

Lily and Remus continued standing away from the chaos, watching as James and Sirius finally managed to tackle Peter. The three quickly began a three-way wrestling match in which a great deal of clothing was ripped or thrown about, but James did not have the time to mourn the loss of his shoe at the moment. After watching them attempt to kill each other through a variety of ways, Lily looped her arm through Remus's, surprising him a minute. She patted his hand and said, "Our boyfriends are all class. Wouldn't you say?"

Remus stared at her for a moment, unsure of how to respond. Then he burst into laughter even more intense then when she had first asked that fateful question of whether or not he and Sirius were shagging. But this time Lily joined in, holding her sides and wiping away tears. Remus just kept staring over at where Sirius was sitting atop Peter and yelling something about how he would saddle him and ride him like a great purple lizard.

And in that moment, Remus was very glad that Lily had nearly ruined all of their lives.

The End


End file.
